Greetings My Friends,
Continuing in my quest to help as many as I can, know about and understand how difficult, painful, confusing, varied, and individual, grief can be and become, I am going to address one of the many tough realities that grievers face. In my last blog post, I wrote about secondary losses.
One of the “Secondary Losses” after losing a loved one is the loss of or distancing of family and friends. This is a very sad, misunderstood, and hidden part of the grief experience.
I have listed below just a few of the inquiries I have received. If you have some that are not listed, feel free to share in the comments.
Let’s get started:
1. “Why have visits and calls from family and friends pretty much gone away?”
2. “Why is it so difficult for family members and friends to talk about my loved one with me?”
3. “Why am I not invited to family or friends gatherings and special events?”
4. “Why do I feel like members of my family and my spouses’ family are avoiding me, especially when I see them in public settings?”
5. “Right after my loss so many offered to help with household, yard and shopping chores; however why has no one called to do so?”
6. “If I do get to talk about my loved one and start to cry, why does the person I am talking to tell me not to cry and try to change the subject?”
7. “Why does everyone keep telling me I should be better by now when it has only been 6 months, or a year?”
8. “How do I help myself be ok… I feel so alone, I get really lonely, I often feel depressed, and no one seems to care?”
Because of the harsh lessons I learned about loss and grief when our two little boys, Travis and Tyson, passed away, I thought I had some insight and experience of what to expect when my husband of 46 years passed away. Not even close!
This is why I keep saying that every loss and the aftermath of a loss is vastly different. One of the big differences for me was that after our sons passed away and most everyone disappeared, my husband and I had each other to help us get through our days and nights, especially through the “wee hours” of the mornings, and when we would first wake up to the harshness of our loss. After losing my husband, I was now facing those wee hours and “the harsh realities of my loss” alone.
I learned it was better to decline invitations to events and gatherings, especially if it was 6 months to one year after my loss. Some would take it as an affront because they were “trying” to include me and I understood that. However, grievers learn right away that how a griever is expected to act and the scrutiny they receive is often way too much pressure to deal with while still new at coping with their loss and grief. The expectations of “trying” to include someone is very different than “wanting” to include someone. Unfortunately, much of the belief systems about death and grief come from very old grief practices, family traditions, religions, and society’s judgement of what grief should look like.
I knew immediately what someone expected of me and how to answer their inquiries by the way they looked at me when they greeted me or by their body language and the tone of their voice as they asked how I was doing. At events, if I appeared to be having a good time, laughing and generally enjoying myself someone would inevitably walk up to me and say how sad my life must be after my loss. As if they needed to remind me I should still be experiencing grief, not having fun.
Please understand that most people are not trying to be mean, disrespectful or unkind. Many just do not know what to say. They also do not quite understand that there are many levels of loss connected to the primary loss if they have never had a similar loss.
As for the “No one coming around”, let’s look at a few realities.
Most of us generally do not have daily and nightly comings and goings of family and friends before the loss of a loved one. Now if you have a big family and most of them live close, then you are used to people coming and going almost daily. However, this is not always the case, even with big families given today’s busy world.
If we have adult children they may, and I say may, visit once a week, if you are one of the lucky ones, and they live close by. They may visit every day or every other day, or every weekend, some may not visit but once a month and on holidays. If they live in another town or state they may only visit at vacation time.
When we lose a loved one, the emptiness left from their parting is magnified. If your loved one lived with you, I can tell you that when you are alone, the sound of silence can be deafening and the absence of their life essence leaves an emptiness and void that is overwhelming. Our need of family and friends coming around becomes magnified as well.
Before the loss of our loved one, we may have gotten together with friends for dinner, weekends or on a weekly basis for playing cards, golf, just to visit, or take vacations/trips together. We gathered for Parties such as Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays, Super-bowl events, Camping, and just good ole’ barbecues.
When we lose a loved one, the first week maybe two, family and friends are coming and going on a daily/hourly basis bringing us food, helping us around the house or with our yard, running errands for us, sitting with us and constantly asking if there is anything we need, or that they can do. Right?
Then….. somewhere between two to six weeks after losing a loved one, the griever may find themselves alone way more than they want or are prepared to be. They notice that invitations to events or dinners are very few, if any. After one year of one’s loss, life will look and be very different, and generally by 2 to 3 years, there will be very little similarity to one’s life before loss.
When a griever runs into a friend in a store, it is very evident that the friend does not want to say “How are You?” in fear the griever might tell them or begin talking about their loss or lack of visitors.
Again…. Why? It is not because our family and friends do not care, or because they are not sad that you lost your loved one. Most just do not know what to say to you. And if they do ask how you are doing God forbid that you begin to answer and the flood gates of emotion hit because someone showed they cared.
The hard fact is that people, family and friends have had to go back to their lives, jobs and have to get on with living their life. Period! They often feel bad that they just don’t have the time to have extra responsibilities, so they may avoid getting in touch altogether. This isn’t always a bad thing, having to maneuver through grief without constant help from others will give the one grieving the fortitude to find the tools and skills they need for the life they will now live.
When my husband passed away, at about the 6-month mark, the shock and disbelief started to dissipate and the sharp reality came that he was not coming back, he was gone forever. Therefore, to survive I had better learn to manage my grief and rebuild my life in order to move forward. I also knew he would want me to do so and do so quickly. We had discussed what we wanted for the other if one of us left our earthly life. The one left behind was to keep all the good memories and love we had for each other, but move on and continue to live the rest of life magnificently.
Most people do not want to have conversations that concern death. It brings them into their own personal fears and realities that they do not want to think about or deal with. This is why I keep saying it is very seldom a “personal” issue; it is a “situational Issue”
Many people do not know how to react to your tears, and the reason they won’t bring up your loved one is because they think they are causing more hurt if they mention your loved one, especially if you begin to cry, and then it is compounded with not knowing how to react or what to say.
It is important to also remember that while grief can be a transitional cushion and help in the adjustment and release of emotions, in order to maneuver and survive our loss, it is a complicated path to traverse. Grievers go through so many emotions surrounding their shock, pain, and loss that it is easy to become selfish in the expectations of how much time and how long family and friends need to come around and how much time they need to give to the one grieving.
I also want to add here, that the responsibility of taking the lead of what is needed in one’s life in time of loss is on the griever, not family and friends. We must learn and remember that grief and grief support is different for everyone involved.
No one is a mind reader and this is why a person in grief keeps hearing, “if you need anything just call,” “if you want to talk just give me a call, instead of anyone simply taking action.” Sadly, very few grievers are going to actually call, and ask for much of anything especially anything big, as they do not want to be a bother. Not to mention that the griever often has no idea of what they need, at least right after their loss.
The hard facts are, no one is going to know you are lonely, struggling, or heading into depression if you do not tell someone. A person in grief can sit around and complain that no one is calling or visiting but the question is …. Are you, the griever, calling anyone to arrange for a visit or for lunch, dinner or coffee or calling someone and say, “I just need company, someone to talk with, are you available to have coffee/glass of wine or lunch/dinner with me?”
This is why it is so important to align oneself with those who can allow emotions to come as they will. No judgements, no advice, no false claims that everything will be alright and that with time the one grieving will get over all this. There may be only one family member or friend who can allow a griever to talk about their loved one over and over and tell stories they have already heard but don’t mind hearing again. Someone who will cry, laugh and remember with us. It is vital to your emotional and mental health to have a family member or friend/friends who allow you to grieve in your own way.
One of the harshest lessons, and secondary losses, is finding out who are friends and who are merely acquaintances.
Grief is forever, we never “get over it.” We can only learn to live with it.
From ESME’S KRISTIN MEEKHOF
“Your loved one’s death will result in many losses, and not having the same type of relationship with your friends and family is one of those losses. When you try to predict the future and envision all holidays for the rest of your life spent alone, you will only generate panic and create further anxiety. Remember, you have survived the loss of your loved one, and you can make it through whatever happens today.”
‘Although this might seem unfair and harsh, you may need to rely on a new support person (although not someone who is part of your loved one’s family if that’s where the friction started). Call on a friend or a counselor or a religious leader. This should be someone whom you trust but who doesn’t judge you.
Stay safe and stay well.
Hugs
Carolyn