Note: I worked within the military system for over 20 years. I have family members who have served. My husband and our son have served this fine country of ours, and because of this, we have had every military branch represented. I have always lived near a military base, and I have visited with many young enlisted service members, or a young enlisted service member and their spouse who are trying to find their way in their new life together. Below is a question emailed to me by a young enlisted service member and my response. I now have a granddaughter in college and this question could definitely fit a college student as well.
Q: I’ve been in the military for about a year and a half now. Every time I call home, I feel like I’m still a kid living at home again. My parents ask so many questions, where I go, who I hang out with and what I am going to do over the weekend. I don’t mind telling them what I can about my work, but I shouldn’t have to explain my whole life and everything I am doing. I send selfies and text pretty often and I think that should be sufficient. I love my family and miss them, but I’m getting to the point where I dread calling them. How can I tell them I’m not a kid anymore and they don’t need to keep track of everything I do?
A: Whoa there! Boy, does this one bring a memory or two. There are several issues going on here. There is no doubt that every relationship, between parents and offspring is unique. However, I have talked to enough people on both sides of this fence to know that there are many similarities in this communication game.
Bear with me while I relate a little of the parent’s side as I have experienced it.
For at least 18 years, we, as parents, have worried about you, your safety, your education, and future. When you were old enough to go out with your friends, we asked you to check in at least every hour or two and we stayed up or at least awake until we heard you return home safely. All too quickly, you turned 18, enlisted in the military or headed off to college and were “suddenly” gone.
You were on your way to a new life adventure, excited and maybe a little fearful as well. As you boarded the plane or drove off, we, the parents, felt uneasy and a good deal lonely as we walked away from the gate or walked back into our now empty home.
Even if you have brothers and sisters, each is unique to the family unit, and it is hard to let go of any one of you.
My son and I had a conversation about this very subject. When he entered the military, every time he called I asked a lot of questions and yes, some of it was out of the need to check on him to be sure that he was all right, safe and ease my mind. (In the “Mom’s Handbook” this is one rule we get to use.)
However, my questions were intended to keep up with who this young man was becoming in his adult life. Conversations takes two, and without him sharing his new world with us, such as his new friends, new places he was seeing, what his job was like and some events that happened in his world, I could only tell him, what seemed to us, the never changing and “nothing new” family news. Without him sharing his world, we really had limited things to talk about and hold an interesting conversation.
Keep in mind that once a child leaves home for the military, college, or a new job, they change rapidly. Now I want to interject here that this is the way life is supposed to be, but it does not make it any easier to accept.
You are the one living, doing, and having new experiences. You are the one changing who you are and who you are becoming. You are making friends we know nothing about. All of a sudden, a parent realizes that they no longer know their own child or know how their life is going.
I am not saying anyone needs to “report” to their parents a minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day calendar of activities or a list of their new contacts once they have left home and are living on their own. However, in today’s world giving your parents some semblance of your, “Who, What, When, Where and Hows,” once in a while is as much for your safety as it is for their peace of mind. You do not need to “tell all”; just give some insight into your new world.
At some point, as our children grow up and become of age, the relationship between an adult child and their parents becomes much more of a friendship role. Adult children come to realize that we will always be the parents when needed, but we can now also be your trusted friend who will always have your back.
The real issue here is just plain and simple learning the art of communication whether it is with your parents, family members or friends.
Allow me to ask, if you ever needed help, would your parents know where they needed to go to find you, would they know who to contact in your circle of friends/acquaintances, would they know of any jobs you have taken on, would they know of any trips you could have embarked on? You see where I am going with this. It is always important to think of the areas about your life that you should share with your parents for your protection.
Now having said all this, it is vital that you and your parents have a conversation (yes, here is that communication thing again!) about what each of you expect from the other when you call.
Often parents do not realize that by asking too many questions they come off sounding nosey rather than excited about all you are experiencing and that they are simply interested in all the changes happening in your new world and life.
It is important for parents and adult children to discuss and have boundaries as each other’s worlds change. Your parents are learning how to maneuver in this new chapter of both of your lives as much as you are.
As I look back now, I realize that when my son called I was so excited and wanted to hear all about the things he was doing that I probably did sound like I was giving him the third degree and being way too nosey. The reality was, I wanted to know who he was becoming, what all he was getting to experience that differed from our experiences.
Just know that you are not alone in this life dilemma. Most who leave home will go through this, some more than others. However, parents who love you will always want to know how your life is going.
And parents, there are rules to this new game of letting go and with the awesome invention of cell phones you will get whole lot more photos and information than I did when my son left for the Marine Corps and you must realize that your adult child will share what they feel is important for you to know not what you think you need to know.
I did, as I always do, a lot of research on this subject and found, as usual many links to how parents and adult children can have better communication.
Below is one such link I particularly liked and could get on board with:
Ways to Keep Phone Calls Going With Grown Kids
by Linda Bernstein
https://www.nextavenue.org/ways-keep-phone-calls-going-grown-kids/
Hugs, Carolyn
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or mental health professional, and this is not professional advice. I speak only from my life experience and training as a coach.