by Carolyn | Grief
Greetings, Dear Friends –
When we experience the devastating loss of a loved one, we have no idea how grief will come to us, how grief will feel, how grief will affect our thinking, our heart and our soul. We will not know if we are ok, will be ok, or if we will ever know how to get through the shock, pain and grief that ultimately comes when death takes someone we love.
One of the main reasons I wrote my book, Death Did Us Part and one of the main reasons I write a blog primarily about grief, is because very few, especially those who have gone through the loss of a loved one, will talk about the one thing that is the end result of living this life on earth….Death!
When we lose a loved one, we change, our whole world as we knew it can change, where we thought our life was going can change, what we thought we wanted from our earthly life can change and how we view death and grief can change.
When we lose a loved one, no matter how much we read, our grief is specific to us and very few will want to admit to or talk about all that they went through when they lost a loved one, what it was like or is like after everyone goes home, and they close their own door and turn around to the emptiness that ensues.
Very few will ever talk about the “Year of Firsts,” the “Secondary Losses,” the underlying stages of losses beyond the original 5 stages of loss or that the original 5 stages of loss will not and does not pertain to every loss.
Very few will know about “Grief Stacking,” or will know that for some of us, grief is stacking one upon another and another from other losses in our life. There may be losses and grieving that we have not fully moved through.
Very few will talk about the “potholes” we must maneuver to rebuild our life after a devastating loss or acknowledge that rebuilding our life will also help us work through our grief.
Very few who have gone through a devastating loss of a loved one will ever tell us that every loss is very, very different and the grief experienced is very, very different for each loss we have.
Very few will talk to us about our loss, or even mention the name of our Loved One. Sadly, most will avoid asking how we are coping or tell us that as we rebuild our life, grief will remain always and forever as part of our life. Grief and rebuilding our life are journeys we must make as a side-by-side walk for the rest of our life.
Very few will tell us how lonely grief can be. How deafening silence can be. Very few will ever talk about those “wee hours” of the morning when sleep evades us and thoughts of our loved one comes rushing in like a runaway train. Very few will tell us that when we finally get to sleep that waking up is one of the toughest times of our day as reality comes flying at us like a Mac Truck.
Very few will ever talk to us about how to overcome the feelings of guilt for having moments of laughter, fun and lightheartedness or for getting on with enjoying our life again after a devastating loss.
Very few, if anyone, will tell us that it is part of the grief experience to wonder if we did right by our loved one, did we tell them we loved them enough, did we show them we loved them enough, did we show our appreciation for them enough. No!…. no one will talk about all of those emotions because it is uncomfortable and the answers that come to them may not be the answers they want.
Very few will ever tell us how lonely we can feel when we are no longer a part of a couple and how isolating that can become.
Very few of those who have lost a Mate/Spouse/Companion/Significant Other, will ever tell us it is ok to admit that we not only miss but long for the hugs, kisses and the intimate life we had with our partner.
If we have lost a child or children, very few will tell us there will be times when we feel like we can’t breathe and we will struggle to do so. That there will be times when the tears will come and we end up sobbing uncontrollably until we are so exhausted we fall in a heap totally depleted and void of all feelings for the moment.
If we have lost a parent or grandparent, very few will tell us how many times we will go to call them to give updates to our life or ask for guidance or want to tell them about a life event.
There will be a few who will tell us they know how we feel because they went through a divorce… They do not! Divorce cannot be compared with the physical death of a loved one.
When we die, none of us has a clue what actually happens to us. This is one of the many factors about death that causes immense fear in talking about death, thinking about death, and acknowledging death. The differing belief systems have brought conflicting ideas about death and what happens when we die, though some of those beliefs do bring some comfort with them.
There will be losses that bring sadness and will bring more subtle changes to our world. Then there are losses that bring a drastic change to who we are or to our daily lives. There will be losses that can become debilitating if we go unchecked by those around us and those who care for us.
There will be losses that completely change who we were, who we are, who we were going to be and changes every aspect of our lives both daily and forever.
Death is a very fearful, uncomfortable and unexpected life event to go through and very difficult to think about, let alone talk about.
However, for me, after losing so many loved ones and experiencing the harsh lessons that I have had to learn, especially for not knowing that grief has very specific differences for each loss we endure, I want those close to me to know that I want them to rebuild quickly and live every aspect of their life while they can, and that to do so is honoring my existence in their life.
Most couples never talk about the “What ifs” of one of them passing away before the other.
Fortunately, my husband of 46 years, and I had this very conversation about “What If.” We both said that whichever of us passed away first that we wanted the other to get on with their life right away. I used to tell our children that, if I went first, not to be upset if their father moved on quickly, as I had given him my blessings to do so. I told them, “If I go first, your father will not bring another woman to my funeral/celebration of life. However, he will have her waiting at the house for him.” Fortunately, we all knew that my husband was not one to be alone at all so they fully understood and relieved that I gave him my blessing.
My husband also said he wanted me to put my life together quickly and get married as soon as possible if he went first, as he did not want me to be alone either. We both felt that when we die we definitely were not coming back so the other better get busy rebuilding their life even while going through the grief of losing the other. We also did not want our adult children to hinder either of us from living our life to the fullest because they loved and missed the one who had passed away.
Sadly, My Husband passed away in May of 2014, and for me, my life companion for now is my writing.
I do not want to leave this earth any more than anyone else. I am not crazy about talking about death any more than the next person. However, I have watched too many stop living their life with love, laughter and joy because they thought that was what being in grief meant and, the Good Lord forbid, that others in their life would not allow them to get on and rebuild the life they have left.
For my personal peace of mind, I want my loved ones to be prepared for when I go and, to know I want them to go on with their lives and to honor me by not missing a beat in living their life to the fullest possible.
I want to leave a legacy behind, one that says I existed here on this earth and I want to leave a letter of love to all who have loved me and been my friends while I traveled through this life with which I was gifted.
And in order to leave such a legacy, I must acknowledge that life does and will end. I let that knowledge teach me and encourage me to live my life to the fullest, with Love, Laughter, Music, Fun and Play, and I know that those who have gone before me want this for me as well.
May you be Blessed with a very long and peaceful life, filled with joy.
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Grief
Greetings, my Dear Friends
I have been asked to research and provide information about the various types of grief that can come into our lives. There are not only very different types of grief, but also there are many reasons we can experience grief. I’ll also talk about grief stacking, a term that came to me one day when I was working on this series of blog posts.
The following are examples of why we might experience grief, beyond death:
• Job
• Home
• Divorce
• Retirement
• Change of residence
• Change of School
• Change in living Conditions
• Change in Health
• Holidays
• Disconnection with Friends
• Marital changes
• House fires
• House flooding
• Mother Nature’s wrath
There are many, many, more reasons that different levels of grief can come into our lives. When you feel a sadness take over your emotional state, ask yourself: What are the possible sources of grief in my life at this moment?
Pay attention to how you are feeling about that sadness and where it is coming from. It may very well be grief entering your consciousness from other areas of your life.
The other experience I do not see addressed is the “Stacking of Grief”, or grief stacking. This is what I call the experiencing of more than one cause of grief. For instance: you have just lost a loved one, and within a month you have lost your job, then paying your bills becomes difficult, depression sets in. Neither you nor anyone around you realizes you are experiencing several types of losses within a very short time. The grief from each loss begins “stacking” up before you know what is happening, how deep you are falling and what is involved in each grief scenario. Too many times we equate grief with the death of a loved one, not realizing that the loss of other life events brings its own type of grief, resulting in grief stacking.
There are fourteen types of grief, according to Elizz. Here are some of them:
- Anticipatory grief: Anticipatory grief often starts when the person you are caring for gets a significant diagnosis and their health begins to deteriorate.
- Normal grief: Many people define normal grief as the ability to move towards acceptance of the loss. With this comes a gradual decrease in the intensity of emotions. Those who experience normal grief are able to continue to function in their basic daily activities.
- Delayed grief: Delayed grief is when reactions and emotions in response to a death are postponed until a later time.
- Complicated grief (traumatic or prolonged): Complicated grief refers to normal grief that becomes severe in longevity and significantly impairs the ability to function.
- Disenfranchised grief (ambiguous): Disenfranchised grief can be felt when someone experiences a loss but others do not acknowledge the importance of the loss in the person’s life.
- Chronic grief: This type of grief can be experienced in many ways: through feelings of hopelessness, a sense of disbelief that the loss is real, avoidance of any situation that may remind someone of the loss, or loss of meaning and value in a belief system.
Learn about the others at https://elizz.com/caregiver-resources/types-of-grief-and-loss.
You may find my book, Death Did Us Part, a useful resource for yourself or a loved one.
Till next time,
Carolyn
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by Carolyn | Grief
Greetings My Friends,
Continuing in my quest to help as many as I can, know about and understand how difficult, painful, confusing, varied, and individual, grief can be and become, I am going to address one of the many tough realities that grievers face. In my last blog post, I wrote about secondary losses.
One of the “Secondary Losses” after losing a loved one is the loss of or distancing of family and friends. This is a very sad, misunderstood, and hidden part of the grief experience.
I have listed below just a few of the inquiries I have received. If you have some that are not listed, feel free to share in the comments.
Let’s get started:
1. “Why have visits and calls from family and friends pretty much gone away?”
2. “Why is it so difficult for family members and friends to talk about my loved one with me?”
3. “Why am I not invited to family or friends gatherings and special events?”
4. “Why do I feel like members of my family and my spouses’ family are avoiding me, especially when I see them in public settings?”
5. “Right after my loss so many offered to help with household, yard and shopping chores; however why has no one called to do so?”
6. “If I do get to talk about my loved one and start to cry, why does the person I am talking to tell me not to cry and try to change the subject?”
7. “Why does everyone keep telling me I should be better by now when it has only been 6 months, or a year?”
8. “How do I help myself be ok… I feel so alone, I get really lonely, I often feel depressed, and no one seems to care?”
Because of the harsh lessons I learned about loss and grief when our two little boys, Travis and Tyson, passed away, I thought I had some insight and experience of what to expect when my husband of 46 years passed away. Not even close!
This is why I keep saying that every loss and the aftermath of a loss is vastly different. One of the big differences for me was that after our sons passed away and most everyone disappeared, my husband and I had each other to help us get through our days and nights, especially through the “wee hours” of the mornings, and when we would first wake up to the harshness of our loss. After losing my husband, I was now facing those wee hours and “the harsh realities of my loss” alone.
I learned it was better to decline invitations to events and gatherings, especially if it was 6 months to one year after my loss. Some would take it as an affront because they were “trying” to include me and I understood that. However, grievers learn right away that how a griever is expected to act and the scrutiny they receive is often way too much pressure to deal with while still new at coping with their loss and grief. The expectations of “trying” to include someone is very different than “wanting” to include someone. Unfortunately, much of the belief systems about death and grief come from very old grief practices, family traditions, religions, and society’s judgement of what grief should look like.
I knew immediately what someone expected of me and how to answer their inquiries by the way they looked at me when they greeted me or by their body language and the tone of their voice as they asked how I was doing. At events, if I appeared to be having a good time, laughing and generally enjoying myself someone would inevitably walk up to me and say how sad my life must be after my loss. As if they needed to remind me I should still be experiencing grief, not having fun.
Please understand that most people are not trying to be mean, disrespectful or unkind. Many just do not know what to say. They also do not quite understand that there are many levels of loss connected to the primary loss if they have never had a similar loss.
As for the “No one coming around”, let’s look at a few realities.
Most of us generally do not have daily and nightly comings and goings of family and friends before the loss of a loved one. Now if you have a big family and most of them live close, then you are used to people coming and going almost daily. However, this is not always the case, even with big families given today’s busy world.
If we have adult children they may, and I say may, visit once a week, if you are one of the lucky ones, and they live close by. They may visit every day or every other day, or every weekend, some may not visit but once a month and on holidays. If they live in another town or state they may only visit at vacation time.
When we lose a loved one, the emptiness left from their parting is magnified. If your loved one lived with you, I can tell you that when you are alone, the sound of silence can be deafening and the absence of their life essence leaves an emptiness and void that is overwhelming. Our need of family and friends coming around becomes magnified as well.
Before the loss of our loved one, we may have gotten together with friends for dinner, weekends or on a weekly basis for playing cards, golf, just to visit, or take vacations/trips together. We gathered for Parties such as Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays, Super-bowl events, Camping, and just good ole’ barbecues.
When we lose a loved one, the first week maybe two, family and friends are coming and going on a daily/hourly basis bringing us food, helping us around the house or with our yard, running errands for us, sitting with us and constantly asking if there is anything we need, or that they can do. Right?
Then….. somewhere between two to six weeks after losing a loved one, the griever may find themselves alone way more than they want or are prepared to be. They notice that invitations to events or dinners are very few, if any. After one year of one’s loss, life will look and be very different, and generally by 2 to 3 years, there will be very little similarity to one’s life before loss.
When a griever runs into a friend in a store, it is very evident that the friend does not want to say “How are You?” in fear the griever might tell them or begin talking about their loss or lack of visitors.
Again…. Why? It is not because our family and friends do not care, or because they are not sad that you lost your loved one. Most just do not know what to say to you. And if they do ask how you are doing God forbid that you begin to answer and the flood gates of emotion hit because someone showed they cared.
The hard fact is that people, family and friends have had to go back to their lives, jobs and have to get on with living their life. Period! They often feel bad that they just don’t have the time to have extra responsibilities, so they may avoid getting in touch altogether. This isn’t always a bad thing, having to maneuver through grief without constant help from others will give the one grieving the fortitude to find the tools and skills they need for the life they will now live.
When my husband passed away, at about the 6-month mark, the shock and disbelief started to dissipate and the sharp reality came that he was not coming back, he was gone forever. Therefore, to survive I had better learn to manage my grief and rebuild my life in order to move forward. I also knew he would want me to do so and do so quickly. We had discussed what we wanted for the other if one of us left our earthly life. The one left behind was to keep all the good memories and love we had for each other, but move on and continue to live the rest of life magnificently.
Most people do not want to have conversations that concern death. It brings them into their own personal fears and realities that they do not want to think about or deal with. This is why I keep saying it is very seldom a “personal” issue; it is a “situational Issue”
Many people do not know how to react to your tears, and the reason they won’t bring up your loved one is because they think they are causing more hurt if they mention your loved one, especially if you begin to cry, and then it is compounded with not knowing how to react or what to say.
It is important to also remember that while grief can be a transitional cushion and help in the adjustment and release of emotions, in order to maneuver and survive our loss, it is a complicated path to traverse. Grievers go through so many emotions surrounding their shock, pain, and loss that it is easy to become selfish in the expectations of how much time and how long family and friends need to come around and how much time they need to give to the one grieving.
I also want to add here, that the responsibility of taking the lead of what is needed in one’s life in time of loss is on the griever, not family and friends. We must learn and remember that grief and grief support is different for everyone involved.
No one is a mind reader and this is why a person in grief keeps hearing, “if you need anything just call,” “if you want to talk just give me a call, instead of anyone simply taking action.” Sadly, very few grievers are going to actually call, and ask for much of anything especially anything big, as they do not want to be a bother. Not to mention that the griever often has no idea of what they need, at least right after their loss.
The hard facts are, no one is going to know you are lonely, struggling, or heading into depression if you do not tell someone. A person in grief can sit around and complain that no one is calling or visiting but the question is …. Are you, the griever, calling anyone to arrange for a visit or for lunch, dinner or coffee or calling someone and say, “I just need company, someone to talk with, are you available to have coffee/glass of wine or lunch/dinner with me?”
This is why it is so important to align oneself with those who can allow emotions to come as they will. No judgements, no advice, no false claims that everything will be alright and that with time the one grieving will get over all this. There may be only one family member or friend who can allow a griever to talk about their loved one over and over and tell stories they have already heard but don’t mind hearing again. Someone who will cry, laugh and remember with us. It is vital to your emotional and mental health to have a family member or friend/friends who allow you to grieve in your own way.
One of the harshest lessons, and secondary losses, is finding out who are friends and who are merely acquaintances.
Grief is forever, we never “get over it.” We can only learn to live with it.
From ESME’S KRISTIN MEEKHOF
“Your loved one’s death will result in many losses, and not having the same type of relationship with your friends and family is one of those losses. When you try to predict the future and envision all holidays for the rest of your life spent alone, you will only generate panic and create further anxiety. Remember, you have survived the loss of your loved one, and you can make it through whatever happens today.”
‘Although this might seem unfair and harsh, you may need to rely on a new support person (although not someone who is part of your loved one’s family if that’s where the friction started). Call on a friend or a counselor or a religious leader. This should be someone whom you trust but who doesn’t judge you.
Stay safe and stay well.
Hugs
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Grief
Greetings, my Friends
Many of us are feeling grief as we leave 2020 behind, and enter 2021. First Blog of 2021, and instead of writing about New Year resolutions and intentions, I have been asked to write about the different stages, levels and types of grief for the varied losses many are experiencing, especially after the events of 2020, and all that may come in 2021. I wrote about losing my husband, and my sons in my book, Death Did Us Part, but there are other kinds of losses that we may be grieving.
As you read this and my upcoming writings in this blog series, please keep in mind the following:
There are always exceptions to every rule and every opinion.
No one can know how a griever is feeling, No one can feel the full weight of another’s pain, or understand where grief is taking them, or how they will get through their grief.
Even if a loss is similar, we speak in error if we say, “I know how you feel or I know what you are going through.” We do not; we can only know our own feelings and what we are actually going through.
Grief is as varied as those going through it. The 5 stages we hear so much about were written as guidelines for those who had or have loved ones who have entered hospice and does not fit all types of grief.
Constant research and studies are giving us a better understanding of the different types of loss. We now know that grief brings many levels of emotions, and we are now openly recognizing and talking about the “secondary losses” that come from the primary loss.
If you can picture tossing a pebble in a pond — where the pebble hits the water is the primary loss, then each ripple represents another loss connected to the primary loss. Grief carries with it many ripples of connected losses.
Over time, support for grievers has increased due to the recognition that grieving is complicated and those experiencing grief often need an unattached sounding board to help them come to terms and manage their feelings of loss.
Groups, mentors, counselors, clergy, life coaches, psychologists, and psychiatrists are very helpful to those working through their loss. A griever can talk about their loss, the pain they are experiencing and the loss they have gone through without judgement. Grievers can talk about the Who, What, When, Where and How of their loss as much and as many times as needed to get to their next life level and help them continue to go forward.
I will be writing a series of blogs about many of the variations and types of grief that has been recognized up to now, in hopes it will be of some help in understanding the grief experience. To show that there is no time limit. To tell you it’s okay to continue on after loss, that it is ok to allow help from an outside source to be given when needed.
5 (Original) Stages – by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
7 Stages – by Debbra Bronstad, Grief Recovery Specialist
1. Shock or Disbelief
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Guilt
6. Depression
7. Acceptance and Hope
10 Stages – by Dr. Brooke Dean
1. Shock
2. Facing Emotions
3. Depression
4. Physical Symptoms
5. Panic
6. Guilt
7. Anger
8. Resistance
9. Hope
10. Acceptance
Visit https://www.usurnsonline.com/grief-loss/types-of-grief for more.
• Normal (or Uncomplicated Grief)
• Complicated (or Abnormal Grief)
• Traumatic
• Chronic
• Anticipatory
• Disenfranchised
• Distorted
• Exaggerated
• Masked
• Inhibited
• Collective
• Cumulative
• Prolonged
• Abbreviated
• Delayed
• Absent
Please stay safe, healthy and grateful.
Hugs
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Greetings, my Dear Friends,
Lately, I have been having a fascinating discussion about what different words mean to each of us, especially when it comes to gift giving. It is all about intention– both in what you say and the gift you give.
Very common words have very different meanings to each of us. It is important to clarify the meaning of specific words we use in sharing our thoughts or having a general or business discussion. Knowing you are on the same page in a discussion of any kind can make a distinct difference in the outcome of all conversations, acts of love, thoughtfulness, debates and kindness. I am finding that it is very important to ask someone you are talking to, and sharing ideas with, exactly what particular words used mean to them, and that we also share what those words mean to us.
For instance, if I say to someone, “I really want us to do something together,” It isn’t always clear what the word “together” means. Does it mean doing something where we are physically together, side by side, like dancing, hiking, watching a movie or “together- separately” where we are enjoying a hobby such as painting, reading, virtual book club, virtual run? We are doing the same thing but instead of doing it together, we are doing it together-separately and sharing our outcomes.
What does this mean, when it comes to gift giving?
Because it is Christmas time, two words that came to me in the wee hours of the morning were:
Do we know what those words really mean? Are we aware that we operate within their meanings much more than we want or should?
I had to evaluate how many times I have just assumed or presumed I knew what someone else wanted done for them, or I purchased a specific gift I thought was right for them, or wanted to give a big surprise I thought would be the end-all gift, never taking in mind if what I wanted to do or did was truly right for that person. Just because I loved it, doesn’t mean it was right for them!
When I was working, I would ask my co-workers to fill out a “Things I Like” questionnaire, so that come birthdays or Christmas, I would get them something they really either wanted or would fit into their style.
I never thought of doing this for my family or long-time friends because I just thought I knew them so well…..NOT!
Gift Giving with Intention
I will start doing this, and if you want to do the same, here are some questions to include (or download my free PDF below to have your family and friends fill out for you!):
1. What is your favorite gift card to receive?
2. What are your top 3 favorite colors?
3. What is your favorite scent ( candles, perfume, lotion, aftershave/cologne etc.)?
4. What are your favorite hobbies or past time ( This does not include sex
)?
5. What is your favorite candy and candy bar?
6. What is your favorite coffee, tea, beverage?
7. If you imbibe…What is your favorite wine or drink of choice?
8. What is your favorite cookie and fruit?
9. What are your favorite flowers?
10. What is your favorite restaurant?
To be safe, do not assume (remember…. Assume can make an Ass out of U and Me) and don’t presume you know what a person likes, wants or what their words mean unless you have asked!
Have a Blessed day …. Be clear when in conversation and remember that some of the best gifts are Love, Music, Laughter and Your Time.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Hi, my friends,
So, here we are coming upon Thanksgiving 2020…. I wish you all a Thankful and Grateful Thanksgiving.
The big question is:
What do we do when we cannot have our big family get-togethers for our traditional family holiday celebrations?
I get that many people don’t mind restricting holiday celebrations this year or any other time for that matter, as they don’t generally celebrate holidays with family and friends. Many do not like getting together with extended family because there always seems to be drama.
Drama or not, there are many of us who still want some kind of gathering and celebration to acknowledge the holidays, make our favorite foods and share in at least a couple traditional habits. Because this virus crisis of 2020 has pretty much canceled everything that calls for a gathering of those not quarantined together, we all must get more creative, like using technology to connect, such as Facetime, Zoom, and various other apps that allow for group conversations.
Traditions Gone Virtual
Below, I have found a couple of blogs on just how to do a virtual Thanksgiving in 2020. Keep in mind this will work for all gatherings you and your family will want to have while we are going through this crisis.
The best way to host a virtual Thanksgiving
I loved the suggestion to have a virtual potluck, and of course, as a game lover, the suggestions for games that can be played online together are just right.
It’s not Thanksgiving without great food. To make dinner extra fun for guests, invite them to prepare a special dish to show off on camera. If everyone is up for it, the host even can assign a different dish to everyone, so each person will have something unique to bring to the virtual table.
Planning a Zoom Thanksgiving? Here’s what you need to know
This is a very practical article, with advice on where to place the computer, for example.
What are you thinking? Put a laptop next to the turkey and move it around during the dinner? Place an iPhone near the cranberries? A webcam by the stuffing?
Esther Yoon, a marketing manager for Zoom, the most popular video meeting service, says consumers will no doubt mostly put their laptops on the table, because “so many homes have them,” but that there are better choices.
Making New Traditions
For some of us, our “Traditional” celebrations of Thanksgiving and Christmas has been changed forever, if we have lost a loved one, especially one who set most of the traditions of our holiday gatherings.
When my husband passed away, we tried to have everything as it had always been. However, it was not as it had always been and it caused us more sadness than we already felt over our loss. We needed to remember my husband, talk about him and even use some of his favorite recipes but we needed to change things up and make new traditions that fit our life without him. Another sad reality of losing a loved one but for all of us to continue to move forward it was a needed adjustment. This is never easy, in fact it is heartbreaking and it can feel awkward at first, however, we are not removing a loved one’s memory, we are adjusting to their physical absence.
If it is time to make different traditions for your holidays take a look at the suggestions below:
18 Thanksgiving Tradition Ideas for a Stress-Free, Gratitude-Packed Holiday
Two ideas from the 18 traditions of this article that I really liked are:
Remember Lost Loved Ones
On a day made for spending time with the people you care about most, set aside a little of it to think of loved one who have passed on. Get everyone to gather together and share a story or a special moment they remember; through those memories, you keep your loved ones alive in your hearts and can pass on important family legacies to the next generation.
Catch Up with Far-Off Family
The bigger your family gets, the harder it is to get everyone together for the holidays, and with the ongoing global pandemic, travel promises to be trickier than ever this year. But even if some of your nearest and dearest can’t make it to the celebration in person, there’s no reason not to see them on turkey day. Embrace the wonders of technology and set up a time to video chat with everyone you’re missing during the holiday—after all, there’s no reason your traditions can’t get a 21st century boost.
20 Unique Thanksgiving Traditions to Start With Your Family This Year
Two of my Favorites from this article are:
#3 Celebrate Everyone’s Birthdays
Families that only see each other once a year, this one’s for you. Emma Seymour of the Good Housekeeping textiles lab says her family sings Happy Birthday when they gather for Thanksgiving — cake with candles included! That way, everyone gets to celebrate their birthday with those they love, even if they can’t travel to be together on the actual da
#17 Take a Walk After Eating
Get your blood moving after you eat for a new tradition that’s good for you. Bundle up if you live in a cold climate and bring some flashlights if it’s after dusk and take a lap around the block. Going for a stroll gives the crew more time to chat than turning on the tube, too.
Whatever you decide to do for these upcoming holidays make sure you stay safe, stay in a heartfelt state of gratitude for what you do have and who you have around you. If you do decide to have a virtual Thanksgiving, remember you can invite family and friends who normally cannot travel to your celebratory gatherings.
Much love and big hugs to all,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Magic
Greetings, my Good Friends….. Hope this finds you all well and safe.
Have you seen my latest WHY NOT??? post on my Facebook Author page? If you have, then you know I have dyed my hair a very vivid purple at the request of my teenage grand-girls. Yes, I have jumped “head first”, no pun intended, into the world I have waited a long time to enter…. I have earned the right to be as eccentric as I want to be, purple hair and all. LOL
Well , now, take it easy on me. Don’t judge me. Instead, come along with me and enter the magic portal of fun I am bringing to my life, where it is okay to play, to have music on all the time, and be absolutely crazy about life. At my stage of life, I can definitely tell you that life is very, very short and somewhere along the way, many of us have forgotten how to bring out the fun side of ourselves and just play.
I started asking “Why Not” when I was asked to do something fun I had not done before, something out of the framework of being at my stage of life. I have heard others say as we get older that we should “act our age,” especially when we wear something designed for a younger crowd, or when we do something they can’t imagine themselves doing! Seriously, ”act our age” is totally disrespectful. Nobody knows what that means!!!! So, to everyone who says it, STOP SAYING IT.
Come along with me, relax, breathe and smile…..Let’s take a journey down the path of eccentricism and for a while, act the age we feel, not what some calendar or society, whoever the hell “society” is, tells us we are.
I have to say that no matter what age we are, I think that if our minds are still working well, and we have not lost our imagination and playfulness, that we should do as many fun things as we can on a daily basis. I mean, after all, laughter makes a person even look younger, so laugh it up. And it costs nothing to dance, sing, play, and share laughter.
And with that as a start, I have a fun new subject for this blog; another “Why Not” way of thinking.
One thing I have done to keep my mental health in check and bring more fun into my life is to play a few different Role Playing Games (RPG) or tabletop games. I play some fun characters in some fun groups. I have played mind-bending games like D&D, (it is NOT the bad game we all heard it was), Space Adventures, Super Natural, Super Heroes, and open to playing a few more as time goes on.
And before anyone starts being shocked, let me ask how many of you watch Game of Thrones, The Hobbit, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Lord of the Rings, and for downright magic, how about Harry Potter?
Why I Love Role-Playing Games (RPG)
- I can be a Young Sexy Character
- It gives me the opportunity to be creative in my thinking.
- I have to think on the spot. Invent as I go according to the Game Masters story.
- I belong to a group and a very fun inspiring group.
- I, my Character, is important to the game.
- I learn about different Characters, Scenarios, Logistics, not to mention working as a Team.
- I can also play a grumbling grouchy Character and No one is going to ask me if I need a laxative. LOL
- I can go from a child-like Character to an Ogre to a Sorceress to an Angelic Elf to a Ranger to a Super Hero to an owner of a Magic Shop and on and on.
- I get to spend creative quality time with other players, friends, and family.
- Playing in a group of RPG players brings a great amount of laughter which we all need.
Older people are often ignored and forced to live in loneliness for lack of family, friends, and the gift of being part of a group. Worse yet, older people allow this to happen. If I had my way, every senior center would offer RPG activities and we would stop being the age others think we are. In addition to combating loneliness, RPG activities keep our minds sharp. Mental acuity can wane as we age, and our brains need to be simulated!
Some Links to Explore
10 Celebrities You Didn’t Realize Were Huge D&D Nerds. I mean, come on…. If Judi Dench plays D & D “Why Not” me, right?
Exploring New Hobbies in Retirement: Board Games and Tabletop RPGS
This Ain’t Your Grandma’s D&D! A very funny video of some older folks learning to play D&D.
So, my friends, live life to its fullest, play a little or a lot, laugh every day about something or several times a day is even better, listen to music while you are taking in life, dance and sing whether you are nimble or can carry a tune and above all make note of all you are grateful for every day.
“Game On”…..…” Why Not?”
Hugs
Carolyn
by Nancy Cavillones | Magic
Greetings, my Friends!
I cannot believe we are almost at the end of October and getting ready for Halloween. The “Ber” months are moving right along, some say too fast and some say not fast enough.
We all know that 2020 has been and is a very tough year. With all of the cancellations of events a couple of the big questions that keep coming up is “What about the Holidays?”
By now, many of you know that I am very curious and love finding out the Why, What, When, Who and How of most everything I come across in researching and writing my Blogs. It is not unusual that while I am writing on a specific subject for my next blog, another story relating to my subject pops up and I veer off to look up more information about the additional story.
My last blog had a lot to do with Ireland and lo and behold, the subject of Halloween popped up. I started thinking about Halloween and wondering if trick or treating would be cancelled, as I have heard it might. Then I started thinking that I actually do not know all about Halloween, why and how it started, why we wear costumes and have scary parties. I have always wondered why we give out candy to children, when we tell our kids from the time they can talk to not take candy from strangers, then we personally take them to strangers’ homes to take candy from them???? Wait….What????
The History of Halloween
A complete contradiction, I would say! At any rate, I learned that Halloween started as a Celtic Tradition, yep… Celtic as in; Ireland, Scotland and England. The ancient festival was known as Samhain. During this festival, bonfires would be lit and the celebrants wore costumes to ward off ghosts and other spirits. I know, you probably knew this especially if you watch a show called “Supernatural.” However, I did not know the depth of the back story of Halloween, how we have evolved it into the Halloween we know and take part in today.
Halloween was once called All Hallows Eve. November 1 was named All Saints Day by Pope Gregory III in the 8th Century. November 1 was also the day that Celts celebrated New Year’s, and the night before, Samhain, was a time when the worlds of the living and the dead crossed paths. It was a night when Druids could make predictions about the year to come. Wow, right up my magic alley!
Because Samhain and All Saints Day were back to back, the traditions of the two began to blend together, and the evening before became known as All Hallows Eve, then Halloween.
Scare Away Negative Energy
During this time, what traditions can we take from the ancient ritual? Perhaps we can tap into the spirit of Samhain to wish away any negative energy that may have come into our life this year. It certainly has been a long, strange year. We are still wondering if trick or treating and Halloween parties will be cancelled for this year, due to this virus crisis. Whatever the decision, please take precautions and stay safe.
xoxo
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Magic
Greetings my friends, I hope this finds you all well, safe and happy. This blog is on a couple different genres than I normally write about and I hope you enjoy them and find them as intriguing as I do.
I more than understand that many, who will see this blog do not believe in Numerology, Angel Card Readings, Mediums and the World of Magic, whatever that world is that one deems as Magic. Therefore, please just pass this blog by and any future blogs about the World of Numbers, Magic and Angels. I will have more about these magical forms of communications on my new Facebook page, website and as I write my new book. I respectfully thank you so much for reading my book reviews, life coaching tips and research posts and hope you stay with me for that content.
Numerology and Astrology
A couple years ago, while researching astrology, numerology kept coming up. Acknowledging the fact that I am addicted to knowing the “What’s up” scenario of many subjects, I set out on the journey of researching numerology. I found that many who practice numerology also pay attention to the alignments of our planetary system, along with one’s date of birth and, how the planets were aligned at the time they were born, just as experienced and trained astrologists have done for centuries.
I know there are those who are not only skeptical but a bit frightened about the use of numerology, astrology and using one’s astrological birth sign as a tool for understanding who they are. I get it and understand it. For a long time, I was a bit leery as well. However, for years the thought of having my numbers calculated kept coming to me and encouraging me to just give it a try.
Through conversations with several colleagues, I found that numerology was a tool many have used with their clients, especially when we spoke about the use of, and teaching of, vision boards for creative and visual goal setting. Through my research, I met a Quantum Numerologist. After a couple years of listening to her podcasts and interacting with her through Zoom conferences, I gave in and had my Numbers and “Divine Purpose Blueprint” calculated for me. If you have ever read your horoscope then you have shown some interest in using these tools for predicting your daily or yearly Life Path.
Through this Divine Purpose Blueprint, I learned that my Life Path number is 7.
“Exploring the mysteries of life gives the 7 path its purpose. These are very inquisitive people with an insatiable need to delve into any topic in search of answers and truths.”
I certainly cannot argue with this description of Life Path 7. This is a solid truth for me I am and will always be a forever student of the Who, What, Why, How, and Where, of living life, as anyone who reads this blog knows!
Keep in mind that Astrology and Numerology are based on two different strategies.
Astrology is studying the movement of planets and their influence on our lives and is related to Astronomy. Numerology is the study of numbers and their influence on one’s life path.
When my husband and I had a husband and wife radio show, one of my segments on the show was to read horoscopes. This became one of the most popular segments of our morning show. A very large number of people are intrigued about the magic of thinking they may know what might come in their future or be warned to pay more attention to their surroundings, thoughts and attitudes. I read the Western Horoscopes and the Chinese Horoscopes, both very popular and if we, for some reason, like a commercial overload, skipped the horoscope segment we received a mass of calls, the phone rang off the hook ( I know I am dating myself as most will not have a clue what it means for a phone to “ring off the hook” LOL…..) until we read the horoscopes. This, of course, was one of my favorite segments to do on our show.
More about Numerology:
How Numerology Works from HowStuffWorks.com
Numerology 101: How to Figure Out Your Life Number from CBS19News.com
Folklore, Mythology and Angels
I love research and I must say it has led me to some very interesting journeys. I will start on one subject and end up going into a whole different direction from where I started, because of connecting stories to the one I am researching. I have been brought out of my “self – help” world and introduced to the magic worlds of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and superheroes by my kids and grands. My youth was sprinkled with tales of Fairies, Tinkerbell, the Tooth Fairy, Elves, Mermaids, Mermen, Pixies, and Gnomes to name a few. As a child in Missouri, when the fireflies (or lightenin’ bugs as we called them) came out at night, we were told they were fairies lighting our way through the dark.
Then one day I was doing research on Ireland and an article came up about Ireland’s folklore, and yes, off I went into the world of myths and legends.
My first intrigue about Ireland and its stories of fairies was when I saw a movie in 1959 at the age of 12, called Darby O’Gill and the Little People. I loved the leprechauns; however, one scene scared me to no end. A banshee flew across the skies in a horse-drawn carriage letting out a horrible shrieking sound and that’s when I found out it was called a banshee and was considered the Fairy of Death…. Say Whatttt!!!… Oh Yes, not all Fairies are Tinkerbells and even Tinkerbell is known to be mischievous. Check out 10 Most Famous Myths and Legends from Irish Folklore.
“Mythology and Ireland go hand in hand. Irish storytelling has been a staple of our culture since the dawn of time, with songs, tales, and limericks spreading the world as the Irish emigrated.”
Stay safe, be happy and look for the magic in your life .
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Book Reviews
For One More Day
by Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie and Five People You Meet in Heaven
For One More Day has inspired various good and bad reviews. In my opinion, I think this book is for everyone to read as a lesson in how we view our parents and our lives. I also think that depending on where one is in life, and the relationship one has with their parents, will not only make a difference in what one gets from the story but will influence what kind of review they give. I hope you will read it and see what life journey it may take you on.
Sometimes, just sometimes, a story will make one think about their own life, family and may often help us make right a few things we have gotten all wrong or misunderstood about someone we love.
For One More Day is a story about a man whose life had gone all wrong. His father left when he was young and he and his sister were raised by their mother. He was angry about not seeing his father and assumed it was his mother’s fault his father left. Because of his assumptions, he showed no appreciation for all of the sacrifices his mother had unselfishly made for him. After his baseball career ended and his mother passed away, his life spiraled out of control causing him to lose his own wife and a relationship with his daughter. When he had a serious accident, he was caught somewhere between this life and death and received a visit from his deceased mother. He was given “one more day” with her and learned the real truth of why his father left and the true sacrifices his mother had made.
This book can make one think quite differently about how to answer the question, “What if you could have one more day with a deceased loved one, who would it be?”
I read this book when it was first published in September of 2006. My dad had passed away that May and as I read this book, thoughts of my dad kept bringing me into the realization of how little I actually knew about my father. Well, of course, I thought I knew my father very well. After all, I had lived in the same household with him for 18 years of my life and once I moved out on my own, I still saw him every week, then I married and moved away and talked to him a couple times a month. He was my dad, but it kept nagging at me, just how well did I know my dad? My dad’s parents and siblings had passed away before he did. I realized I had no one to ask about my dad’s life before he married my stepmother and after they married, my connection with him was distant and strained. The sad part is that I now know I only knew my dad as I wanted my dad to be, not as he was. Any of this sound familiar?
My answer to, “What if you could have one more day with a deceased loved one, who would it be?” was my dad. However, this is not as simple as wanting to know who my dad was, who did he want to become, did he have any dreams and did he live the life he loved and wanted. You see, I was raised by my grandmother while my dad was in the military serving time overseas, then when he returned, he married and brought home my stepmother. Where was my birth mother, one might ask? I was with my father and birth mother until the age of 3, and when they divorced, my father somehow got custody of me, unheard of in those times, and I only saw my birth mother two more times, the last being downtown while shopping for new shoes to meet my “new” mother at the age of six. So as one could guess, one of the critical questions I would ask my dad for that “one more day” conversation, is to tell me the true story of what happened between he and my mother, and why was I not allowed to see or hear from my mother after the divorce, or for that matter , ever again? My dad would never allow me to ask that question and out of respect for my stepmother, I chose not to pursue or attempt to find my birth mother after his passing.
What changed after reading this book for the second time? As the story unfolded, my thoughts changed from my dad, keeping in mind I still wanted that conversation if it were ever possible. However, since that first reading of One More Day, my husband passed away, after 46 years of marriage. One would think one would know everything about someone they lived with for 46 years. I am here to inform all who think this, that even with in-depth conversations with a loved one we just are not going to know them as well as we think we do, nor will they know us, ever!
Now you may think that I changed my direction and have chosen my husband to have that “one more day” with, right? Make no mistake, I would like “one more day” with my husband and I would have the conversations we should have had with each other in our time together, the deeper in-depth ones we always knew we were avoiding. However, I now would choose my birth mother. Why now? To know, before I leave this earthly existence, why we were never allowed to see and know each other. Who was she and who did she become. Did she ever think of me, did she ever want to see me, talk to me, know how my life had unfolded, and before she passed away, was I even a whisper of a thought to her?
I would highly recommend this thought-provoking book to everyone. It would also be an excellent read for all book clubs.
