Dear Friends,
Throughout the years, I have had many discussions of how a family member can let it be known to their parents that they want to host Thanksgiving dinner at their own home.
Many parents may be ready to let go of making the whole Thanksgiving dinner and be thrilled to come to our adult children’s homes.
Some parents don’t know how to tell their daughters/daughters-in-law that it is time for them to take over the big dinners.
Our adult children seem to count on us to bring back childhood memories by continuing the Thanksgiving traditions they grew up with.
In all honesty, for many of us, it is nice to have someone else take over so we grandparents can finally visit and enjoy our grandchildren and other guests.
We can bring a favorite dish or two while the one hosting makes the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, and any favorite dish or new dish they have wanted to try.
Having leftovers is also a big thing for those attending a dinner at someone else’s home.
Because my husband had to have his leftovers and turkey sandwiches for a few days after the main meal, I just made a small turkey and the fixings at home.
I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner for over 70 years, and I am good with handing it over to someone else.
When a friend of ours decided it wasn’t enough to have Thanksgiving only in November, she started a tradition of Thanksgiving in July, sort of like the Christmas in July businesses and some non-profits have started doing.
Our friend made the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, and one or two of her family favorites, and the rest of us brought one or two of our favorite dishes.
The most important part of wanting to make new traditions, transitions, and changes is, of course, open communication.
Plus, we are not letting go of all the things we love about our dinner; we will be able to make our beloved dishes and bring them to share.
If your parent is having an emotional time letting go of the tradition of them making and having the dinner, I highly suggest all involved have a gentle sit down and find out the exact reason the parent still wants to do all that work.
One of the biggest reasons I hear is if the parents don’t have dinner at their home, they will hardly ever see their kids and grandkids all together.
Another top reason is that it is expected for the parents to have the holiday dinners.
With the way our 2020 Thanksgiving went, not having gatherings, this is the best time to change things up.
Everyone had to bend to the “lockdown, stay in place” orders. So now we have had at least one Thanksgiving without the traditions we are used to.
We may have missed that big dinner gathering; however, many found that they did not miss all the work.
As for me, I can celebrate Thanksgiving at any time and any day of the year. The same is true for Christmas. Because of how my life has been from birth to now, nothing is set in stone for me.
I personally do not have to have everything exactly on the day designated by the calendar, religious teachings, society, or the days that family and friends have decided the best time.
I can celebrate at times other than the designated day and, on the designated day, have my own recognition of what the holiday means.
I have learned to be flexible and go with the flow. I do not see the benefit of keeping myself and the holidays specific to days on the calendar as it is too easy to miss out on celebrations that can be held at any time.
I have to say that the Thanksgiving in July was excellent and helped to make Thanksgiving held in November not so complicated and intense about everyone having to get together no matter what.
However, several friends have had to go through “holiday hell,” trying to balance both sides of their families. Many of them could not even combine the social gathering because of difficulties between their parents and in-laws.
I swore that when I got married, I would address this right away. I did not want us to get into this emotional tug-o-war. This was helped by the fact we moved to Alaska four years after we married. We were too far away from our families for any issues to take place!
I know of a few families who take turns with their parents and in-laws, and it works because everyone knows when they will be with which parents, and everyone can make plans accordingly.
The very best remedy is for the adult daughter or adult son to host both sets of parents—that way, the adult children do not have to be the ones always to balance their visit.
When adult children live in the same town as their parents and in-laws, they may find it helps to split their Thanksgiving Day and go to both parents’ homes, hopefully reducing the stress of keeping everything in balance.
Some families have, however, mastered the art of having a Thanksgiving meal at noon and another one for dinner. A few others have dinner with one set of parents and dessert at the other parents.
Then, some just decided everyone was going to a Thanksgiving buffet, and no one had to do any of the work, and no one had to sit with anyone they did not want to sit with.
No one enjoys a tug-o-war kind of visit, and when the adult children leave, they are already dreading next year’s dinner. Someone needs to either speak up or get a coach or counselor to help them solve this pressure.
It is important to remember that times have seriously changed. All those memories up to March 2020 can be considered a finished life book and new memories made to accommodate who we are now and how we need to proceed to have harmonious holidays.
For me, every day is a day to be thankful. And Thanksgiving in November is a bonus.
I wish for all to have a very grateful and thankful Thanksgiving.
Perhaps the links below will help:
In-Laws Can put Families to the test at Holiday Time
How to tactfully take over the family Thanksgiving meal without ruining a tradition-filled holiday
Hugs, Carolyn