When we experience the devastating loss of a loved one, we have no idea how grief will come to us, how grief will feel, how grief will affect our thinking, our heart and our soul. We will not know if we are ok, will be ok, or if we will ever know how to get through the shock, pain and grief that ultimately comes when death takes someone we love.
One of the main reasons I wrote my book, Death Did Us Part and one of the main reasons I write a blog primarily about grief, is because very few, especially those who have gone through the loss of a loved one, will talk about the one thing that is the end result of living this life on earth….Death!
When we lose a loved one, we change, our whole world as we knew it can change, where we thought our life was going can change, what we thought we wanted from our earthly life can change and how we view death and grief can change.
When we lose a loved one, no matter how much we read, our grief is specific to us and very few will want to admit to or talk about all that they went through when they lost a loved one, what it was like or is like after everyone goes home, and they close their own door and turn around to the emptiness that ensues.
Very few will ever talk about the “Year of Firsts,” the “Secondary Losses,” the underlying stages of losses beyond the original 5 stages of loss or that the original 5 stages of loss will not and does not pertain to every loss.
Very few will know about “Grief Stacking,” or will know that for some of us, grief is stacking one upon another and another from other losses in our life. There may be losses and grieving that we have not fully moved through.
Very few will talk about the “potholes” we must maneuver to rebuild our life after a devastating loss or acknowledge that rebuilding our life will also help us work through our grief.
Very few who have gone through a devastating loss of a loved one will ever tell us that every loss is very, very different and the grief experienced is very, very different for each loss we have.
Very few will talk to us about our loss, or even mention the name of our Loved One. Sadly, most will avoid asking how we are coping or tell us that as we rebuild our life, grief will remain always and forever as part of our life. Grief and rebuilding our life are journeys we must make as a side-by-side walk for the rest of our life.
Very few will tell us how lonely grief can be. How deafening silence can be. Very few will ever talk about those “wee hours” of the morning when sleep evades us and thoughts of our loved one comes rushing in like a runaway train. Very few will tell us that when we finally get to sleep that waking up is one of the toughest times of our day as reality comes flying at us like a Mac Truck.
Very few will ever talk to us about how to overcome the feelings of guilt for having moments of laughter, fun and lightheartedness or for getting on with enjoying our life again after a devastating loss.
Very few, if anyone, will tell us that it is part of the grief experience to wonder if we did right by our loved one, did we tell them we loved them enough, did we show them we loved them enough, did we show our appreciation for them enough. No!…. no one will talk about all of those emotions because it is uncomfortable and the answers that come to them may not be the answers they want.
Very few will ever tell us how lonely we can feel when we are no longer a part of a couple and how isolating that can become.
Very few of those who have lost a Mate/Spouse/Companion/Significant Other, will ever tell us it is ok to admit that we not only miss but long for the hugs, kisses and the intimate life we had with our partner.
If we have lost a child or children, very few will tell us there will be times when we feel like we can’t breathe and we will struggle to do so. That there will be times when the tears will come and we end up sobbing uncontrollably until we are so exhausted we fall in a heap totally depleted and void of all feelings for the moment.
If we have lost a parent or grandparent, very few will tell us how many times we will go to call them to give updates to our life or ask for guidance or want to tell them about a life event.
There will be a few who will tell us they know how we feel because they went through a divorce… They do not! Divorce cannot be compared with the physical death of a loved one.
When we die, none of us has a clue what actually happens to us. This is one of the many factors about death that causes immense fear in talking about death, thinking about death, and acknowledging death. The differing belief systems have brought conflicting ideas about death and what happens when we die, though some of those beliefs do bring some comfort with them.
There will be losses that bring sadness and will bring more subtle changes to our world. Then there are losses that bring a drastic change to who we are or to our daily lives. There will be losses that can become debilitating if we go unchecked by those around us and those who care for us.
There will be losses that completely change who we were, who we are, who we were going to be and changes every aspect of our lives both daily and forever.
Death is a very fearful, uncomfortable and unexpected life event to go through and very difficult to think about, let alone talk about.
However, for me, after losing so many loved ones and experiencing the harsh lessons that I have had to learn, especially for not knowing that grief has very specific differences for each loss we endure, I want those close to me to know that I want them to rebuild quickly and live every aspect of their life while they can, and that to do so is honoring my existence in their life.
Most couples never talk about the “What ifs” of one of them passing away before the other.
Fortunately, my husband of 46 years, and I had this very conversation about “What If.” We both said that whichever of us passed away first that we wanted the other to get on with their life right away. I used to tell our children that, if I went first, not to be upset if their father moved on quickly, as I had given him my blessings to do so. I told them, “If I go first, your father will not bring another woman to my funeral/celebration of life. However, he will have her waiting at the house for him.” Fortunately, we all knew that my husband was not one to be alone at all so they fully understood and relieved that I gave him my blessing.
My husband also said he wanted me to put my life together quickly and get married as soon as possible if he went first, as he did not want me to be alone either. We both felt that when we die we definitely were not coming back so the other better get busy rebuilding their life even while going through the grief of losing the other. We also did not want our adult children to hinder either of us from living our life to the fullest because they loved and missed the one who had passed away.
Sadly, My Husband passed away in May of 2014, and for me, my life companion for now is my writing.
I do not want to leave this earth any more than anyone else. I am not crazy about talking about death any more than the next person. However, I have watched too many stop living their life with love, laughter and joy because they thought that was what being in grief meant and, the Good Lord forbid, that others in their life would not allow them to get on and rebuild the life they have left.
For my personal peace of mind, I want my loved ones to be prepared for when I go and, to know I want them to go on with their lives and to honor me by not missing a beat in living their life to the fullest possible.
I want to leave a legacy behind, one that says I existed here on this earth and I want to leave a letter of love to all who have loved me and been my friends while I traveled through this life with which I was gifted.
And in order to leave such a legacy, I must acknowledge that life does and will end. I let that knowledge teach me and encourage me to live my life to the fullest, with Love, Laughter, Music, Fun and Play, and I know that those who have gone before me want this for me as well.
May you be Blessed with a very long and peaceful life, filled with joy.
Carolyn
I have been asked to research and provide information about the various types of grief that can come into our lives. There are not only very different types of grief, but also there are many reasons we can experience grief. I’ll also talk about grief stacking, a term that came to me one day when I was working on this series of blog posts.
The following are examples of why we might experience grief, beyond death:
• Job
• Home
• Divorce
• Retirement
• Change of residence
• Change of School
• Change in living Conditions
• Change in Health
• Holidays
• Disconnection with Friends
• Marital changes
• House fires
• House flooding
• Mother Nature’s wrath
There are many, many, more reasons that different levels of grief can come into our lives. When you feel a sadness take over your emotional state, ask yourself: What are the possible sources of grief in my life at this moment?
Pay attention to how you are feeling about that sadness and where it is coming from. It may very well be grief entering your consciousness from other areas of your life.
The other experience I do not see addressed is the “Stacking of Grief”, or grief stacking. This is what I call the experiencing of more than one cause of grief. For instance: you have just lost a loved one, and within a month you have lost your job, then paying your bills becomes difficult, depression sets in. Neither you nor anyone around you realizes you are experiencing several types of losses within a very short time. The grief from each loss begins “stacking” up before you know what is happening, how deep you are falling and what is involved in each grief scenario. Too many times we equate grief with the death of a loved one, not realizing that the loss of other life events brings its own type of grief, resulting in grief stacking.
There are fourteen types of grief, according to Elizz. Here are some of them:
Anticipatory grief: Anticipatory grief often starts when the person you are caring for gets a significant diagnosis and their health begins to deteriorate.
Normal grief: Many people define normal grief as the ability to move towards acceptance of the loss. With this comes a gradual decrease in the intensity of emotions. Those who experience normal grief are able to continue to function in their basic daily activities.
Delayed grief: Delayed grief is when reactions and emotions in response to a death are postponed until a later time.
Complicated grief (traumatic or prolonged): Complicated grief refers to normal grief that becomes severe in longevity and significantly impairs the ability to function.
Disenfranchised grief (ambiguous): Disenfranchised grief can be felt when someone experiences a loss but others do not acknowledge the importance of the loss in the person’s life.
Chronic grief: This type of grief can be experienced in many ways: through feelings of hopelessness, a sense of disbelief that the loss is real, avoidance of any situation that may remind someone of the loss, or loss of meaning and value in a belief system.
Continuing in my quest to help as many as I can, know about and understand how difficult, painful, confusing, varied, and individual, grief can be and become, I am going to address one of the many tough realities that grievers face. In my last blog post, I wrote about secondary losses.
One of the “Secondary Losses” after losing a loved one is the loss of or distancing of family and friends. This is a very sad, misunderstood, and hidden part of the grief experience.
I have listed below just a few of the inquiries I have received. If you have some that are not listed, feel free to share in the comments.
Let’s get started:
1. “Why have visits and calls from family and friends pretty much gone away?”
2. “Why is it so difficult for family members and friends to talk about my loved one with me?”
3. “Why am I not invited to family or friends gatherings and special events?”
4. “Why do I feel like members of my family and my spouses’ family are avoiding me, especially when I see them in public settings?”
5. “Right after my loss so many offered to help with household, yard and shopping chores; however why has no one called to do so?”
6. “If I do get to talk about my loved one and start to cry, why does the person I am talking to tell me not to cry and try to change the subject?”
7. “Why does everyone keep telling me I should be better by now when it has only been 6 months, or a year?”
8. “How do I help myself be ok… I feel so alone, I get really lonely, I often feel depressed, and no one seems to care?”
Because of the harsh lessons I learned about loss and grief when our two little boys, Travis and Tyson, passed away, I thought I had some insight and experience of what to expect when my husband of 46 years passed away. Not even close!
This is why I keep saying that every loss and the aftermath of a loss is vastly different. One of the big differences for me was that after our sons passed away and most everyone disappeared, my husband and I had each other to help us get through our days and nights, especially through the “wee hours” of the mornings, and when we would first wake up to the harshness of our loss. After losing my husband, I was now facing those wee hours and “the harsh realities of my loss” alone.
I learned it was better to decline invitations to events and gatherings, especially if it was 6 months to one year after my loss. Some would take it as an affront because they were “trying” to include me and I understood that. However, grievers learn right away that how a griever is expected to act and the scrutiny they receive is often way too much pressure to deal with while still new at coping with their loss and grief. The expectations of “trying” to include someone is very different than “wanting” to include someone. Unfortunately, much of the belief systems about death and grief come from very old grief practices, family traditions, religions, and society’s judgement of what grief should look like.
I knew immediately what someone expected of me and how to answer their inquiries by the way they looked at me when they greeted me or by their body language and the tone of their voice as they asked how I was doing. At events, if I appeared to be having a good time, laughing and generally enjoying myself someone would inevitably walk up to me and say how sad my life must be after my loss. As if they needed to remind me I should still be experiencing grief, not having fun.
Please understand that most people are not trying to be mean, disrespectful or unkind. Many just do not know what to say. They also do not quite understand that there are many levels of loss connected to the primary loss if they have never had a similar loss.
As for the “No one coming around”, let’s look at a few realities.
Most of us generally do not have daily and nightly comings and goings of family and friends before the loss of a loved one. Now if you have a big family and most of them live close, then you are used to people coming and going almost daily. However, this is not always the case, even with big families given today’s busy world.
If we have adult children they may, and I say may, visit once a week, if you are one of the lucky ones, and they live close by. They may visit every day or every other day, or every weekend, some may not visit but once a month and on holidays. If they live in another town or state they may only visit at vacation time.
When we lose a loved one, the emptiness left from their parting is magnified. If your loved one lived with you, I can tell you that when you are alone, the sound of silence can be deafening and the absence of their life essence leaves an emptiness and void that is overwhelming. Our need of family and friends coming around becomes magnified as well.
Before the loss of our loved one, we may have gotten together with friends for dinner, weekends or on a weekly basis for playing cards, golf, just to visit, or take vacations/trips together. We gathered for Parties such as Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays, Super-bowl events, Camping, and just good ole’ barbecues.
When we lose a loved one, the first week maybe two, family and friends are coming and going on a daily/hourly basis bringing us food, helping us around the house or with our yard, running errands for us, sitting with us and constantly asking if there is anything we need, or that they can do. Right?
Then….. somewhere between two to six weeks after losing a loved one, the griever may find themselves alone way more than they want or are prepared to be. They notice that invitations to events or dinners are very few, if any. After one year of one’s loss, life will look and be very different, and generally by 2 to 3 years, there will be very little similarity to one’s life before loss.
When a griever runs into a friend in a store, it is very evident that the friend does not want to say “How are You?” in fear the griever might tell them or begin talking about their loss or lack of visitors.
Again…. Why? It is not because our family and friends do not care, or because they are not sad that you lost your loved one. Most just do not know what to say to you. And if they do ask how you are doing God forbid that you begin to answer and the flood gates of emotion hit because someone showed they cared.
The hard fact is that people, family and friends have had to go back to their lives, jobs and have to get on with living their life. Period! They often feel bad that they just don’t have the time to have extra responsibilities, so they may avoid getting in touch altogether. This isn’t always a bad thing, having to maneuver through grief without constant help from others will give the one grieving the fortitude to find the tools and skills they need for the life they will now live.
When my husband passed away, at about the 6-month mark, the shock and disbelief started to dissipate and the sharp reality came that he was not coming back, he was gone forever. Therefore, to survive I had better learn to manage my grief and rebuild my life in order to move forward. I also knew he would want me to do so and do so quickly. We had discussed what we wanted for the other if one of us left our earthly life. The one left behind was to keep all the good memories and love we had for each other, but move on and continue to live the rest of life magnificently.
Most people do not want to have conversations that concern death. It brings them into their own personal fears and realities that they do not want to think about or deal with. This is why I keep saying it is very seldom a “personal” issue; it is a “situational Issue”
Many people do not know how to react to your tears, and the reason they won’t bring up your loved one is because they think they are causing more hurt if they mention your loved one, especially if you begin to cry, and then it is compounded with not knowing how to react or what to say.
It is important to also remember that while grief can be a transitional cushion and help in the adjustment and release of emotions, in order to maneuver and survive our loss, it is a complicated path to traverse. Grievers go through so many emotions surrounding their shock, pain, and loss that it is easy to become selfish in the expectations of how much time and how long family and friends need to come around and how much time they need to give to the one grieving.
I also want to add here, that the responsibility of taking the lead of what is needed in one’s life in time of loss is on the griever, not family and friends. We must learn and remember that grief and grief support is different for everyone involved.
No one is a mind reader and this is why a person in grief keeps hearing, “if you need anything just call,” “if you want to talk just give me a call, instead of anyone simply taking action.” Sadly, very few grievers are going to actually call, and ask for much of anything especially anything big, as they do not want to be a bother. Not to mention that the griever often has no idea of what they need, at least right after their loss.
The hard facts are, no one is going to know you are lonely, struggling, or heading into depression if you do not tell someone. A person in grief can sit around and complain that no one is calling or visiting but the question is …. Are you, the griever, calling anyone to arrange for a visit or for lunch, dinner or coffee or calling someone and say, “I just need company, someone to talk with, are you available to have coffee/glass of wine or lunch/dinner with me?”
This is why it is so important to align oneself with those who can allow emotions to come as they will. No judgements, no advice, no false claims that everything will be alright and that with time the one grieving will get over all this. There may be only one family member or friend who can allow a griever to talk about their loved one over and over and tell stories they have already heard but don’t mind hearing again. Someone who will cry, laugh and remember with us. It is vital to your emotional and mental health to have a family member or friend/friends who allow you to grieve in your own way.
One of the harshest lessons, and secondary losses, is finding out who are friends and who are merely acquaintances.
Grief is forever, we never “get over it.” We can only learn to live with it.
From ESME’S KRISTIN MEEKHOF
“Your loved one’s death will result in many losses, and not having the same type of relationship with your friends and family is one of those losses. When you try to predict the future and envision all holidays for the rest of your life spent alone, you will only generate panic and create further anxiety. Remember, you have survived the loss of your loved one, and you can make it through whatever happens today.”
‘Although this might seem unfair and harsh, you may need to rely on a new support person (although not someone who is part of your loved one’s family if that’s where the friction started). Call on a friend or a counselor or a religious leader. This should be someone whom you trust but who doesn’t judge you.
Many of us are feeling grief as we leave 2020 behind, and enter 2021. First Blog of 2021, and instead of writing about New Year resolutions and intentions, I have been asked to write about the different stages, levels and types of grief for the varied losses many are experiencing, especially after the events of 2020, and all that may come in 2021. I wrote about losing my husband, and my sons in my book, Death Did Us Part, but there are other kinds of losses that we may be grieving.
As you read this and my upcoming writings in this blog series, please keep in mind the following:
There are always exceptions to every rule and every opinion.
No one can know how a griever is feeling, No one can feel the full weight of another’s pain, or understand where grief is taking them, or how they will get through their grief.
Even if a loss is similar, we speak in error if we say, “I know how you feel or I know what you are going through.” We do not; we can only know our own feelings and what we are actually going through.
Grief is as varied as those going through it. The 5 stages we hear so much about were written as guidelines for those who had or have loved ones who have entered hospice and does not fit all types of grief.
Constant research and studies are giving us a better understanding of the different types of loss. We now know that grief brings many levels of emotions, and we are now openly recognizing and talking about the “secondary losses” that come from the primary loss.
If you can picture tossing a pebble in a pond — where the pebble hits the water is the primary loss, then each ripple represents another loss connected to the primary loss. Grief carries with it many ripples of connected losses.
Over time, support for grievers has increased due to the recognition that grieving is complicated and those experiencing grief often need an unattached sounding board to help them come to terms and manage their feelings of loss.
Groups, mentors, counselors, clergy, life coaches, psychologists, and psychiatrists are very helpful to those working through their loss. A griever can talk about their loss, the pain they are experiencing and the loss they have gone through without judgement. Grievers can talk about the Who, What, When, Where and How of their loss as much and as many times as needed to get to their next life level and help them continue to go forward.
I will be writing a series of blogs about many of the variations and types of grief that has been recognized up to now, in hopes it will be of some help in understanding the grief experience. To show that there is no time limit. To tell you it’s okay to continue on after loss, that it is ok to allow help from an outside source to be given when needed.
Grief is hard and can be tough to maneuver on an everyday basis. Grief during the holidays is even tougher. The holidays will feel like a proverbial rollercoaster of emotions that can hit one at any given time and place.
It does not matter how long it has been since a loss of a loved one has occurred; Grief does not have a time limit on it.
If I could get any message about life and death through to the masses, it would be that Grief is forever!
Time does not heal or take away the pain of loss! Time allows for the management of all that goes with Grief and the missing of a loved one.
Grief is an individual experience, emotion, and reaction.
Every person grieves in their way, in their own time and within their Soul and Heart space.
A few things to consider:
Here are some tips to help your loved ones through grief during the holidays.
To show respect to the person or persons who are in the grieving process, discuss ahead of time how they want their deceased loved one remembered. Some may say they are not ready for outward or open display of loss, and some may wish to have an empty chair and a photo of their loved one at the holiday dinner table.
The person or persons grieving may want to do things very differently and begin new traditions, and that is ok. They are not forgetting their loved one or “moving on” from memories. Starting new traditions is often needed to get through family celebrations.
It is also good to have a designated area or room is available for the griever to go to if their emotions overcome them.
Don’t tiptoe around the griever’s loss. Ask the griever how they want others to remember their loved ones. Let your guests know that if the griever brings up their deceased loved one, that it is then ok to offer a memory of the loved one.
Our first holidays after my husband passed away, my family and I held to our traditions and made my husband’s favorite recipes. We talked throughout the day of how we missed him and pointed out the events that would make him laugh at us. We gave each other permission to shed tears if and when emotions welled up. In the second year, we began integrating new traditions while incorporating many of my husband’s favorite recipes and traditions that were also our favorites. Tears will still come forth, and we are ok with it.
This has become the go to answer when life throws us a curve and I love the challenge of the “What Now?” question even though it is often changed to “What the Hell?”
Welcome to my website and blog, thank you for stopping in.
My Blogs are centered around Life Skills and the tools it takes to be the best we can be and to live our best life. Just so there are no surprises I must let you know that I mince no words, I say it like it is and my suggestions are just that … suggestions…. I never give advice, just straight forward, doable, guidance about life, how to maneuver the potholes that befall us and how to have more fun doing so.
Our lives are all about changes, chances and choices. We all want to travel a life path that brings us to the fulfillment of our dreams and goals. Being Happy has become more of a quest than the norm in our busy bustling lives. How do we stop long enough to smell those roses we keep hearing about … the roses that are not in a grocery store, the ones that bloom in a garden or park.
I advocate making as much time in our schedules to visit the beaches, forests, mountains and rivers. To play music as much as possible to fit what you are doing at any given moment. Music is the catalyst for all kinds of life experiences, healings and one of the best ways to feel feelings we need to feel.
I hope you will come back and join me for a mental trip down life’s road of “what now” and what the hell” antics and lessons of how to find and keep our happy, feel good selves.
Here’s wishing you a fantastic weekend and upcoming week… here’s hoping we meet again next Friday!
