by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
“The Art of Gift Giving is the Art of Paying Attention and Asking Questions”
Greetings, my Friends,
It is that time of year and because things have lightened up a bit from 2020, getting together with loved ones and friends in person is now possible.
Now instead of ordering from a mail order company and having your gift delivered or just sending a gift card for ease of all involved, since you can even send a gift card through email, you may be bringing gifts with you when you visit.
Therefore, I ask, is gift giving a joy, a fun adventure or a stressful part of the holidays for you?
We were watching a Hallmark Christmas movie the other evening and in the movie the lead actress was visiting a family for Christmas that she did not know well. Since she would be staying from a few days before Christmas to the day after Christmas, she needed to have gifts for them on Christmas morning.
Making a long story short, her man of interest in the movie, noted to another person in the movie that this young woman paid attention to what each family member was interested in and got them a gift that fit those interests, such as sports tickets, movie tickets, a cooking appliance and so on.
This brought me straight into my subject.
When you are ready to start your Christmas shopping, how do you decide what gift to buy for who?
Are you a “Practical” giver?
Are you a “Fun or nonsensical” giver?
Are you a “Magical Experience” giver?
Are you a “Surprise” giver?
Are you an “Observant” giver
Are you an “I will give what I think would be a really great thing to have? giver?
Are you a “Give me a list that I can choose from,” giver?
Are you a “regifter”?
Are you a “Let’s spend a day together and play,” giver?
Or, do you just make it easy and buy gift cards?
When I made the decision to sell my home and move to another state, I also downsized completely. I gave away, donated and took things to the dump that broke my heart. However, these were used things and I would not have room for them where I was going, nor did I want to pay shipping on them.
I found myself saying to my loved ones and friends, “Please just spend time with me instead of buying stuff and things I may have to give away.”
I have jokingly said, “If I can’t eat it, wear it, or drink it, please put it back, take a photo and text me the photo.” In my heart, I truly mean it.
This is not rude. It saves us both, saves the giver money and saves me from guilt for having to give it away because I have no room for it.
Because of the intensity of having to “let go” of all of my “stuff and things,” I have given gift giving a completely different thought process. Even cards. I had to discard bags of cards I had saved through the years. If a card had a sentimental writing in it, I took a photo and put the photo into a file on my computer marked Memory Cards.
I have received more gifts than I can count that truly did not have me, personally in mind, who I was or what I wanted and I had to find a place to set them, hang them or display them somehow. However, I would graciously accept them, thanking the gift giver profusely for their thoughtfulness and kindness.
Gift cards became the saving grace for me, both receiving and giving. Still, I missed the personal side of giving and receiving a gift.
As my granddaughters are now older teens and adults, I ask for a list of things they like, sizes, colors and especially which stores are their favorite should I purchase a gift card.
I no longer choose something I think would be cute on them or would be fun to have. I want to gift them with something they actually have a place and space for. The same goes for my adult children.
As always, I did a bit of research on this subject and found there are many who ask the same questions;
How do I ask someone for a Christmas list?
- Don’t ask for a list… you make a list of what you need to know; then once a month ask them about one thing from your list in casual conversation and write it down.
What can I purchase for someone who has everything?
- Gift card to their favorite restaurant, a Gift card to their favorite bookstore, including Amazon, a gift card for their favorite bakery, if they imbibe, a gift card to a speciality wine or spirits store, and best of all, take them to dinner. Or treat them to an experience!
Why isn’t it ok to ask for a Christmas list?
- It is! It is something many a giver is uncomfortable doing, and the receiver is uncomfortable giving, as they don’t know how expensive they should go. So making a list of “things to know” about someone and asking them throughout the year is easier and less overwhelming than asking them for a list. After all, we even ask our kids to make a list. I can attest to the fact that it was so much easier when we received those huge Christmas catalogs and everyone went through them marking their favorite things.
If someone has asked for a non-gift Christmas, should I really comply?
- Yes! If you just have to purchase a gift for them, then ask what their favorite charity is and donate to the charity, giving your family member or friend a card saying that you donated to their favorite charity in their name.
Another somewhat complicated gift is sending a floral arrangement for Christmas. It is important to ask if you can send an arrangement for their Christmas table or buffet table, and especially ask what their holiday theme is going to be.
It is better to ask in case they already have an arrangement planned, or may not have room for a table arrangement or a high circular arrangement. It is easy to say, “I would like to send you a floral arrangement for Christmas. Would you like a vase arrangement or table arrangement, and are you using traditional holiday colors or have a speciality theme this year?”
When finances are restricted or someone is on a fixed income, it can put a strain on them to feel like they have to buy a gift. Have this conversation way before you hand them a gift you think they should have.
They may not be able to afford extra gift giving at this time and it will only make them feel bad. There have been times when a family member or friend will gift a very expensive gift and the receiver was just not financially able to reciprocate in kind.
Even when the receiver is told to not worry about it, that it isn’t the price of the gift, it does not ease the receiver’s embarrassment of not having the money to reciprocate.
Sometimes the best gift you can give someone on a fixed income is to take them out to dinner and spend some time with them. A gift card to their favorite grocery store or a gas card is also appreciated.
Gift giving is wonderful, meaningful and fun if it does not cause stress for the giver or receiver.
Ask yourself why you are giving someone a gift. If it is expected, that’s a whole other conversation. If it is to make you feel good, that’s ok; just make sure the receiver also feels good about receiving your gift. If it is to make the receiver feel good, then make sure it will.
When gift giving is a measurement of how much you care or love another, this raises a whole other emotional balance and conversation and may very well cause conflict and competition that is not good for anyone involved.
One way to find out what everyone in your household wants or hopes to receive at Christmas is to make a “Christmas Gift Board” or make a “Gift Giving board” that will work all year round.
Take a bulletin board and divide it into however many are on your list that you need gifts for and ask everyone to either pin pictures or notes of what they would like for a gift. This will also help other gift givers in the family.
Advice on Gift-Giving from My Son, Matt
I was talking about this blog with my son and asked him how he knows what to buy for gifts. The quote at the top of this blog is what he shared with me as part of how he feels and is good advice about gift giving.
He has some really good ideas and shared a few of which I have, with his permission, shared below.
- Carry a note in your wallet with sizes, style, colors, likes, hobbies and types of foods your loved ones like.
- Is giving your gift as a surprise the goal? Is the surprise actually that you purchased something they have talked about throughout the year? A surprise gift should be because you paid attention all year. If surprising someone with a gift is the goal, then you need to do some work.
- Best to ask the person you want to surprise if they like surprises, and what kind of surprises. Would they like a surprise vacation?
- Maybe the person receiving this kind of surprise would want ample warning so they can get in better shape, be able to walk better, or maybe they don’t have enough vacation time from work, or have the clothes to wear, or have any one who can house sit or dog or cat sit. All are stressors.
- Asking a question a month no one will notice but 12 questions in November or December? They will know you are digging for ideas!
- Take notes, have a notebook that is easy to carry, use the Notes App on your phone, use a Recording App on your phone, jot notes on a calendar.
- This method works well for paying attention to anyone you may want to purchase a gift for, including clients/customers… when you leave a client’s office make a note of things of interest to bring up at your next meeting or conversation or to purchase a thank-you/birthday/Christmas gift.
- One thing to be aware of, is a person showing interest and talking about subjects that are of interest to you. Make sure they are really interested in the actual subject and not just showing support for you.
- Please don’t wait until close to December to ask questions.
- The art of giving begins in January
- One way gift cards can be the best choice, is if the person you want to give a gift to, is interested in a hobby that you cannot purchase anything for because they have a hobby that requires them to have a registered account and you cannot get into the account. This is where a generic Visa gift card will come in handy.
- While some may prefer to use a notebook for gift giving ideas, I have Christmas 2021 in my iPhone Notes and in December I will add Christmas 2022 and begin making notes every month until I’m ready to shop.
What do many people really prefer for a gift? Your time. Time for a conversation, time for a dinner out with you. Time for us to go to the beach and wave walk. Time to talk memories and time to talk about future dreams.
I hope this gift giving conversation helps those who want to simplify their gift giving. I invite you to become a savvy gift giver and that every gift you give just blows away the receiver.
Make this year one of the Merriest and Happiest of Holidays,
Hugs
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
Dear Friends,
Throughout the years, I have had many discussions of how a family member can let it be known to their parents that they want to host Thanksgiving dinner at their own home.
Many parents may be ready to let go of making the whole Thanksgiving dinner and be thrilled to come to our adult children’s homes.
Some parents don’t know how to tell their daughters/daughters-in-law that it is time for them to take over the big dinners.
Our adult children seem to count on us to bring back childhood memories by continuing the Thanksgiving traditions they grew up with.
In all honesty, for many of us, it is nice to have someone else take over so we grandparents can finally visit and enjoy our grandchildren and other guests.
We can bring a favorite dish or two while the one hosting makes the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, and any favorite dish or new dish they have wanted to try.
Having leftovers is also a big thing for those attending a dinner at someone else’s home.
Because my husband had to have his leftovers and turkey sandwiches for a few days after the main meal, I just made a small turkey and the fixings at home.
I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner for over 70 years, and I am good with handing it over to someone else.
When a friend of ours decided it wasn’t enough to have Thanksgiving only in November, she started a tradition of Thanksgiving in July, sort of like the Christmas in July businesses and some non-profits have started doing.
Our friend made the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, and one or two of her family favorites, and the rest of us brought one or two of our favorite dishes.
The most important part of wanting to make new traditions, transitions, and changes is, of course, open communication.
Plus, we are not letting go of all the things we love about our dinner; we will be able to make our beloved dishes and bring them to share.
If your parent is having an emotional time letting go of the tradition of them making and having the dinner, I highly suggest all involved have a gentle sit down and find out the exact reason the parent still wants to do all that work.
One of the biggest reasons I hear is if the parents don’t have dinner at their home, they will hardly ever see their kids and grandkids all together.
Another top reason is that it is expected for the parents to have the holiday dinners.
With the way our 2020 Thanksgiving went, not having gatherings, this is the best time to change things up.
Everyone had to bend to the “lockdown, stay in place” orders. So now we have had at least one Thanksgiving without the traditions we are used to.
We may have missed that big dinner gathering; however, many found that they did not miss all the work.
As for me, I can celebrate Thanksgiving at any time and any day of the year. The same is true for Christmas. Because of how my life has been from birth to now, nothing is set in stone for me.
I personally do not have to have everything exactly on the day designated by the calendar, religious teachings, society, or the days that family and friends have decided the best time.
I can celebrate at times other than the designated day and, on the designated day, have my own recognition of what the holiday means.
I have learned to be flexible and go with the flow. I do not see the benefit of keeping myself and the holidays specific to days on the calendar as it is too easy to miss out on celebrations that can be held at any time.
I have to say that the Thanksgiving in July was excellent and helped to make Thanksgiving held in November not so complicated and intense about everyone having to get together no matter what.
However, several friends have had to go through “holiday hell,” trying to balance both sides of their families. Many of them could not even combine the social gathering because of difficulties between their parents and in-laws.
I swore that when I got married, I would address this right away. I did not want us to get into this emotional tug-o-war. This was helped by the fact we moved to Alaska four years after we married. We were too far away from our families for any issues to take place!
I know of a few families who take turns with their parents and in-laws, and it works because everyone knows when they will be with which parents, and everyone can make plans accordingly.
The very best remedy is for the adult daughter or adult son to host both sets of parents—that way, the adult children do not have to be the ones always to balance their visit.
When adult children live in the same town as their parents and in-laws, they may find it helps to split their Thanksgiving Day and go to both parents’ homes, hopefully reducing the stress of keeping everything in balance.
Some families have, however, mastered the art of having a Thanksgiving meal at noon and another one for dinner. A few others have dinner with one set of parents and dessert at the other parents.
Then, some just decided everyone was going to a Thanksgiving buffet, and no one had to do any of the work, and no one had to sit with anyone they did not want to sit with.
No one enjoys a tug-o-war kind of visit, and when the adult children leave, they are already dreading next year’s dinner. Someone needs to either speak up or get a coach or counselor to help them solve this pressure.
It is important to remember that times have seriously changed. All those memories up to March 2020 can be considered a finished life book and new memories made to accommodate who we are now and how we need to proceed to have harmonious holidays.
For me, every day is a day to be thankful. And Thanksgiving in November is a bonus.
I wish for all to have a very grateful and thankful Thanksgiving.
Perhaps the links below will help:
In-Laws Can put Families to the test at Holiday Time
How to tactfully take over the family Thanksgiving meal without ruining a tradition-filled holiday
Hugs, Carolyn
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
Life Lessons from a 70-Something
Greetings, my Beautiful, Wonderful, Talented, and Magnificent Family and Friends.
So here comes another Birthday I am so Grateful for having. Yep… I am Blessed to be 73 years young this Birthday. I have made a list of life lessons I’ve learned… and of course, there are so many that I decided for now to list only a few….. I know…. You’re welcome. LOL
We, who are over 70, are often referred to as;
Senior Citizens…
Golden Oldies….
The Downhill Sliders…. Yikes!
The truth of being over 70 in today’s world is much different than any other time in history.
I never suggest that any insight I offer on life skills be taken on an “instead basis.” I NEVER give Advice. I do provide Learned Guidance, and I suggest that one take what they can use from my Sage offerings and make it their own or add to their personal experience for enhancement, the rest, toss aside. In other words, if what I offer does not fit, don’t try to wear it. That’s one life lesson for you!
Living to 100 or older, we have earned the right to impart our wisdom. Read this story: 100-year-old woman shares her biggest lessons for a long and happy life
Below, I offer you 25 of the many things I have learned from my life experiences. Life Lessons, if you will.
- It is crucial to be a Forever Learner.
- It is essential to make Music a part of your daily/nightlife.
- Make Play, Laughter, and Dreaming a daily practice.
- Get out into nature, walk barefoot through the grass, sand, and dirt.
- Do Not allow others’ opinions of you, your talents, your successes or goals, and your dreams to affect or change the journey you believe is right for you.
- Do not blindly accept other’s opinions, definitions, and explanations without researching for answers for yourself.
- Know yourself inside and outside, know your Values, your Capabilities, Talent, Likes, and Dislikes, What you will settle for, and what you won’t. Never Compromise yourself.
- We cannot un-ring a bell, take back words spoken, un-see displayed anger or actions.
- Know that Children will do what they See way before they do what they Hear.
- Everyone knows how to fail, but we do not often know how to recognize our successes.
- If you want peace and joy, let go of Expectations, Self-imposed Outcomes, and limit your “Stuff and Things” to remain as mobile as possible, which equates to freedom, not “poor-dom.”
- You are the only one who can make you happy…Period!
- When a negative thought comes to you, ask yourself if that thought is True? If the thought is not true, why are you wasting your life minutes thinking about it? If the negative thought is true, what can you do to turn it around?
- Power naps are health-promoting and rejuvenating.
- Don’t be so busy that you put things off…..Know when a do-over is possible and when a do-over can never be, especially with children, and take appropriate action. One can see a movie again, but your children’s play or dance recital is a whole different story.
- Keep the Life Wheel in a prominent place and check it often to help keep you in balance.
- Whether you worry or think in possibilities, both are affirmations.
- Take your time to get to know the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ask each other the most pertinent questions concerning Values, Beliefs, What Love means to them, What the words Husband and Wife mean to them, What is their belief and philosophy on raising children, What are their expectations of the Mate they want for life?
- Learn the art of Communication, Learn how to argue for a win-win outcome.
- Be and stay in Love with Life. Find your Blessings and Gratitude’s every day.
- Never go to bed angry with anyone or anything. Resolve anger by addressing what is making you angry, then fix it or forgive it right there.
- Make time for Family. Make time for your Tribe of close Friends.
- Learn something new every day
- Don’t stay with a job that you dislike. No job is forever; keep looking for the job that can become your passion.
- How you react to any given event or situation will be a big decision maker for the outcome.
Some “Bonus” Life Lessons
I know I said I had 25 life lessons, but I can’t not include some of these as well!
One of The most important lessons I have learned is that our Expectations can and will cause us some of the biggest disappointments and heartaches we can experience in our life. No one can fully live up to the Expectations of another!
Never give another permission to make you over to their specifications.
Never compromise your Values or your Gut Instincts for anyone.
If you think you truly know another, no matter who they are within your life… You Do Not!
Make it a habit to find a minimum of 5 things to be Grateful every day of your life!
Blessings to you,
Carolyn
PS Many of my life lessons have come from the wisdom of others. Check out my library!
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
Try This Mindset Shift
Pay attention to the words you use, and notice whether they are affirming or holding you back. Words have power! A mindset shift will help you harness that power to a positive end.
Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
Your words, Your dreams, Your Thoughts, have power to create conditions in your life.
What you speak about, You can bring about.
If you keep saying you can’t stand your job, you might lose your job.
If you keep saying you can’t stand your body, your body can become sick.
If you keep saying you can’t stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating.
If you keep saying you’re always broke, Guess what? You’ll always be broke
If you keep saying you can’t trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt or betray you.
If you keep saying you can’t find a job, you will remain unemployed.
If you keep saying you can’t find someone to love you or believe in you, your very thoughts will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs.
Turn your Thoughts and Conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope and action.
Don’t be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.
Watch your “THOUGHTS,” they become words.
Watch your “WORDS,” They become actions.
Watch your “ACTIONS,” they become habits.
Watch your “HABITS,” they become character.
Watch your “CHARACTER,” for it becomes your “DESTINY.”
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!!!
Lao Tzu
Your turn: Think about a CAN’T phrase that you use often, and turn it into a CAN phrase. Share the power of your words in the comments below or come to my Facebook page.
Looking for more mindset support? Visit the library!
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
The Power of Positive Thinking
Read this affirmation and think about how positive thinking can turn your life around.
Your life at any time can become difficult.
Your life at any time can become easy.
It all depends upon how you adjust yourself to life.
Positive thinking is simply reacting positively to a negative situation.
So try to see the good in every situation.
You cannot always control your circumstances.
But you can control your own thoughts.
Things seem to turn out best for those people who can make the best out of the way things turn out.
It is not the situation, It is your reaction to the situation
The reality of your life may result from many outside factors, none of which you can control.
Your attitude, however, reflects the ways in which you elevate what is happening to you.
What has happened to you, good or bad, only your thinking makes it so!
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Your Turn: Leave a comment below reflecting on how you can use the power of positive thinking to turn a negative situation into a positive one. Better yet, hop on over to Facebook and leave me a note!
Check out my library for more resources on mindset.
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
The Optimist Creed
Note from Carolyn: The Optimist Creed is one of my favorite positivity exercises. As you read, pay attention to your mood and attitude. Do you feel inspired? Let me know in the comments, or come over to Facebok and tell me!
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”
Source: Christian D. Larson, The Optimist Creed
What do you think of The Optimist Creed? What inspiration can you take from The Optimist Creed? Leave a comment below!
Challenge: Add a contribution to this creed.
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