by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
With Thanksgiving and the holiday season approaching, we want to take special care to attend to grief and those that are grieving. For some, this will be the first holiday without a loved one. For others, it may not be a recent loss, but the reminders that a loved one is missing from the table becomes especially apparent when the family is gathered to celebrate. Be gentle with yourself, and to each other this Thanksgiving, and remember: COMMUNICATE!
Dear Carolyn,
With Thanksgiving coming up, how do we get through our family gathering and dinner after losing a Loved One just a couple of months ago?
Sincerely,
Grieving at The Thanksgiving Table
Dear Grieving,
This is a question that comes up every year at this time. It is tough to answer because of all of the different emotions, beliefs, and traditions involved.
It is important to recognize that everyone who loses a loved one has their own ways of experiencing their grief. No two people grieve the same.
I think the most important element in answering this inquiry is communication!
We certainly want everyone to be comfortable at our dinners, and it is important that no one feels like they need to walk on eggshells around another guest.
Communication with the ones who have lost their loved one and communication with those attending the dinner, where someone who is grieving will also be attending, is crucial for your dinner to be comfortable for everyone.
I have chosen a website below that has given several excellent suggestions to consider. However, allow me to ask a few questions of my own.
Are you the one grieving a loss? What are your feelings, beliefs, and preferences about remembering a deceased loved one at holiday celebrations?
When you are having the holiday dinner at your home, because it is your family tradition, and you are the one in grief, have you let those who will be your guests know what will and will not make you comfortable?
If you are having the holiday dinners at your home and have a grieving family member or friend attending, have you asked the grieving person how they would be comfortable remembering their loved one?
What has been done in the past at your family holiday dinners to recognize loved ones who have passed on?
Are you comfortable talking about your loved one, or are your emotions still too close to the surface? It is important to communicate this to the hostess and host. If you are hosting the gathering, tell a few key people who can help others know you are still unable to talk about your loss.
Emotions may still be too close to the surface and talking to your family or friends about what you would like to do or what you would like to have done to remember your loved one is too difficult and would bring on a veritable waterfall of tears, then talk to someone who is ok with those tears.
They can help you articulate your wishes and then allow them to let the hostess or host know so they can prepare their guests.
There are so many ways to let others know how we are doing and where we are in our state of grieving. Those grieving must keep the communication channels open, especially for those who haven’t a clue what to say or ask.
Remember that while grief is forever, as time goes by, we will have more times in control than at other times. You can also send your preferences in an email, text, or note card.
The important thing here is to not put others in an awkward position of not knowing how to relate to a grieving host/hostess or guest.
When you are the one who lost a spouse, child, parent, grandparent, or any close family member or friend, it is ok to let those attending your gathering know that you will have moments where your emotions may get the best of you.
This will also relieve those in attendance from walking on eggshells, trying not to do or say anything that could upset you. Let them know that you will regain your emotions and get through.
Many have asked what I did for our family’s first Thanksgiving after my husband passed away. Since I was still going to host the dinner as always, I told everyone that each person had a say concerning our Thanksgiving dinner and how they would like to honor my husband/their Dad/their Papa.
We agreed to have our traditional Thanksgiving dinner. We were not ready to make any big changes. We made all our favorite dishes, including my husband’s favorite dressing.
Our traditional art/card for being grateful was also included, and we each wrote that we were grateful for his life and the time he had with us and that we missed him. And yes, there were tears, but we knew they would come, so we were ok with them falling as needed.
We moved before the second set of holidays came and decided that if we were going to be in a completely different place and home, we would also change up our thanksgiving celebration. We left Alaska and moved to New Hampshire. Making new fall experiences was much easier with all that the New England states offer.
I still make my husband’s favorite dressing for our Thanksgiving dinner requested by my adult children and granddaughters. I will probably continue to make it until I accept my wings and make my way up to the great universe. And at that time, I will expect the traditions will make another change, as they should.
Here’s a round-up of posts from What’s Your Grief (an excellent resource for those grieving) for helping yourself, family, extended family, and friends who are grieving to be more comfortable during the holiday dinners.
16 Ideas for Creating New Holiday Tradition After a Death
New Perspective on Old Traditions: Grief and the Holidays
Remembering Loved Ones During the Holidays: 19 Practical Suggestions
Surviving Thanksgiving: 6 Tips for Grievers
Wishing you a health, safe and joyous holiday,
Carolyn
Have a question or dilemma for a future Ask Carolyn column? Submit it HERE!
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or mental health professional, and this is not professional advice. I speak only from my life experience and training as a coach.
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Note: I worked within the military system for over 20 years. I have family members who have served. My husband and our son have served this fine country of ours, and because of this, we have had every military branch represented. I have always lived near a military base, and I have visited with many young enlisted service members, or a young enlisted service member and their spouse who are trying to find their way in their new life together. Below is a question emailed to me by a young enlisted service member and my response. I now have a granddaughter in college and this question could definitely fit a college student as well.
Q: I’ve been in the military for about a year and a half now. Every time I call home, I feel like I’m still a kid living at home again. My parents ask so many questions, where I go, who I hang out with and what I am going to do over the weekend. I don’t mind telling them what I can about my work, but I shouldn’t have to explain my whole life and everything I am doing. I send selfies and text pretty often and I think that should be sufficient. I love my family and miss them, but I’m getting to the point where I dread calling them. How can I tell them I’m not a kid anymore and they don’t need to keep track of everything I do?
A: Whoa there! Boy, does this one bring a memory or two. There are several issues going on here. There is no doubt that every relationship, between parents and offspring is unique. However, I have talked to enough people on both sides of this fence to know that there are many similarities in this communication game.
Bear with me while I relate a little of the parent’s side as I have experienced it.
For at least 18 years, we, as parents, have worried about you, your safety, your education, and future. When you were old enough to go out with your friends, we asked you to check in at least every hour or two and we stayed up or at least awake until we heard you return home safely. All too quickly, you turned 18, enlisted in the military or headed off to college and were “suddenly” gone.
You were on your way to a new life adventure, excited and maybe a little fearful as well. As you boarded the plane or drove off, we, the parents, felt uneasy and a good deal lonely as we walked away from the gate or walked back into our now empty home.
Even if you have brothers and sisters, each is unique to the family unit, and it is hard to let go of any one of you.
My son and I had a conversation about this very subject. When he entered the military, every time he called I asked a lot of questions and yes, some of it was out of the need to check on him to be sure that he was all right, safe and ease my mind. (In the “Mom’s Handbook” this is one rule we get to use.)
However, my questions were intended to keep up with who this young man was becoming in his adult life. Conversations takes two, and without him sharing his new world with us, such as his new friends, new places he was seeing, what his job was like and some events that happened in his world, I could only tell him, what seemed to us, the never changing and “nothing new” family news. Without him sharing his world, we really had limited things to talk about and hold an interesting conversation.
Keep in mind that once a child leaves home for the military, college, or a new job, they change rapidly. Now I want to interject here that this is the way life is supposed to be, but it does not make it any easier to accept.
You are the one living, doing, and having new experiences. You are the one changing who you are and who you are becoming. You are making friends we know nothing about. All of a sudden, a parent realizes that they no longer know their own child or know how their life is going.
I am not saying anyone needs to “report” to their parents a minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day calendar of activities or a list of their new contacts once they have left home and are living on their own. However, in today’s world giving your parents some semblance of your, “Who, What, When, Where and Hows,” once in a while is as much for your safety as it is for their peace of mind. You do not need to “tell all”; just give some insight into your new world.
At some point, as our children grow up and become of age, the relationship between an adult child and their parents becomes much more of a friendship role. Adult children come to realize that we will always be the parents when needed, but we can now also be your trusted friend who will always have your back.
The real issue here is just plain and simple learning the art of communication whether it is with your parents, family members or friends.
Allow me to ask, if you ever needed help, would your parents know where they needed to go to find you, would they know who to contact in your circle of friends/acquaintances, would they know of any jobs you have taken on, would they know of any trips you could have embarked on? You see where I am going with this. It is always important to think of the areas about your life that you should share with your parents for your protection.
Now having said all this, it is vital that you and your parents have a conversation (yes, here is that communication thing again!) about what each of you expect from the other when you call.
Often parents do not realize that by asking too many questions they come off sounding nosey rather than excited about all you are experiencing and that they are simply interested in all the changes happening in your new world and life.
It is important for parents and adult children to discuss and have boundaries as each other’s worlds change. Your parents are learning how to maneuver in this new chapter of both of your lives as much as you are.
As I look back now, I realize that when my son called I was so excited and wanted to hear all about the things he was doing that I probably did sound like I was giving him the third degree and being way too nosey. The reality was, I wanted to know who he was becoming, what all he was getting to experience that differed from our experiences.
Just know that you are not alone in this life dilemma. Most who leave home will go through this, some more than others. However, parents who love you will always want to know how your life is going.
And parents, there are rules to this new game of letting go and with the awesome invention of cell phones you will get whole lot more photos and information than I did when my son left for the Marine Corps and you must realize that your adult child will share what they feel is important for you to know not what you think you need to know.
I did, as I always do, a lot of research on this subject and found, as usual many links to how parents and adult children can have better communication.
Below is one such link I particularly liked and could get on board with:
Ways to Keep Phone Calls Going With Grown Kids
by Linda Bernstein
https://www.nextavenue.org/ways-keep-phone-calls-going-grown-kids/
Hugs, Carolyn
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or mental health professional, and this is not professional advice. I speak only from my life experience and training as a coach.
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Greetings, my Friends
Several years ago, I wrote a newspaper column called “Ask Mom.”
It was called Ask Mom because everyone at work called me Mom, no matter who they were or how old they were.
I have thought of reprising my column and calling it “Ask Carolyn.”
However, many have said they prefer “Ask Mom,” because when they have a problem they need to solve, they call me, text me or email me for help and it feels like they are talking to their mom.
Therefore, while I am trying to decide about the name of my new column, I am going to share a few of my original “Ask Mom” columns.
This way you will get the gist of why I sound more like a Mom than an Advice Columnist. In the letter below, I heard from a young man who was displeased with a habit that his wife had. Read on to find out exactly what the problem was, and how I responded.
Dear Mom,
I have been married for a couple of years and find that there are some things that my wife does that really bugs me. Our washer and dryer are in our garage. One of the big things we argue about is that when she brings the clean clothes in from the clothes dryer she leaves the clothes crumpled on a chair at the bottom of our stairway that goes to our bedrooms. How do I get her to stop doing that without getting into a big fight, which we seem to do every time I mention that she needs to do something a different way than the way she is doing it?
She keeps the house up most of the time but this chair thing is really getting on my nerves. Even when I mention the clothes she just says she knows they are there and goes on with what she is doing instead of taking them upstairs and putting them away.
Mom, Aka Carolyn:
Whoa, pull up your high horse and dismount, son!
This sounds a lot like the old “your job, my job” attitude.
I thought we finally started to let go of such belief systems in the ’90s and started behaving in a more companionship/friendship relationship with our mates. Each of us taking equal responsibilities and not hesitating to help the other if one gets overwhelmed or overtired.
Since this has become a predominately two-income family society, it is more important than ever to share the home chores and responsibilities. The pile of clothes in that chair is obviously bothering you a whole more than it is bothering your wife.
What is stopping you from asking her what she wants done with those clothes and how you can help her clear that chair?
Everyone works differently, and we need to respect each other’s style and priorities. You may be the type of person who works systematically, is very organized, and likes to have a place for everything and everything in its place, while your wife may do things in a more casual way and her list of priorities may be nowhere near your list of priorities.
Now, having said all this let me add that if it is your wife’s personality to clutter and never put things away until they get totally out of hand, it is safe to suggest that this scenario becomes a communication issue, darn, there’s that word communication again, funny how that seems to be the basis for so many things.
It is time to have a sit-down conversation about how you can be more helpful and to find out what is important to her and let her know what is important to you.
And I mean a conversation, not an accusation session.
She may prefer to mow the lawn, wash the cars or take the cars for service rather than do the housework. No one really said that only women could do the housework. In fact, I have a friend whose husband is a much better cook and housekeeper and actually enjoys these tasks. She has no problem letting him take those tasks on while she mows and takes care of the lawn, shopping, and bookkeeping, which she enjoys.
My point is that they have found out what each other likes and dislikes doing and agreed on a very workable solution. Again, housework, yard work, cooking, and shopping are really not specific to one partner over the other.
So young man, I highly suggest you relieve your own stress level and put those clothes away yourself and then be proud that you became part of a solution to what you perceive to be a problem and, more importantly, you have then helped your wife instead of criticizing her.
A marriage/relationship is 100/100 not 50/50.
Hugs Mom
So what do you think? Did this resonate with you and make you think about the differences in how each of us does things around our homes and how difficult it is to communicate with each other if a habit is already part of our routines?
I often have couples write out all the chores, responsibilities, and things that absolutely have to get done to run a home, and that works for everyone living in said home.
Then I ask them to put their initials beside the things each is responsible for or does because they either have time to do it or are expected to do it.
Then we look at the balance and discuss which things on the list each one prefers to do and which ones each one absolutely dislikes to do.
For the things that are on the “dislike” list, we come to an agreement that it is easier to take turns doing them than one person stuck with that chore or responsibility all the time.
In my era, we had distinct responsibilities assigned, once we said “I Do,” and I can say “Thank Goodness that is changing with these last couple of generations.”
Whether you are married, in a personal or workplace relationship, or in friendship, I have found it is so much better if we determine who does what in sharing responsibilities for any and all tasks that the relationship expects. It makes it a whole lot easier, more fun, and organized when we can do what we like to do and share that which we do not like to do. Any way we cut it, someone has to clean the toilet!
What do you think? Leave a comment or visit me on Facebook!
Much Love to you and Big Hugs
Carolyn
PS: You might find the links below an interesting read.
I Created a System to Make Sure My Husband and I Divide Household Duties Fairly. Here’s How It Works.
9 Ways to Split Household Chores With Your Spouse
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Greetings, my Dear Friends,
Lately, I have been having a fascinating discussion about what different words mean to each of us, especially when it comes to gift giving. It is all about intention– both in what you say and the gift you give.
Very common words have very different meanings to each of us. It is important to clarify the meaning of specific words we use in sharing our thoughts or having a general or business discussion. Knowing you are on the same page in a discussion of any kind can make a distinct difference in the outcome of all conversations, acts of love, thoughtfulness, debates and kindness. I am finding that it is very important to ask someone you are talking to, and sharing ideas with, exactly what particular words used mean to them, and that we also share what those words mean to us.
For instance, if I say to someone, “I really want us to do something together,” It isn’t always clear what the word “together” means. Does it mean doing something where we are physically together, side by side, like dancing, hiking, watching a movie or “together- separately” where we are enjoying a hobby such as painting, reading, virtual book club, virtual run? We are doing the same thing but instead of doing it together, we are doing it together-separately and sharing our outcomes.
What does this mean, when it comes to gift giving?
Because it is Christmas time, two words that came to me in the wee hours of the morning were:
Do we know what those words really mean? Are we aware that we operate within their meanings much more than we want or should?
I had to evaluate how many times I have just assumed or presumed I knew what someone else wanted done for them, or I purchased a specific gift I thought was right for them, or wanted to give a big surprise I thought would be the end-all gift, never taking in mind if what I wanted to do or did was truly right for that person. Just because I loved it, doesn’t mean it was right for them!
When I was working, I would ask my co-workers to fill out a “Things I Like” questionnaire, so that come birthdays or Christmas, I would get them something they really either wanted or would fit into their style.
I never thought of doing this for my family or long-time friends because I just thought I knew them so well…..NOT!
Gift Giving with Intention
I will start doing this, and if you want to do the same, here are some questions to include (or download my free PDF below to have your family and friends fill out for you!):
1. What is your favorite gift card to receive?
2. What are your top 3 favorite colors?
3. What is your favorite scent ( candles, perfume, lotion, aftershave/cologne etc.)?
4. What are your favorite hobbies or past time ( This does not include sex
)?
5. What is your favorite candy and candy bar?
6. What is your favorite coffee, tea, beverage?
7. If you imbibe…What is your favorite wine or drink of choice?
8. What is your favorite cookie and fruit?
9. What are your favorite flowers?
10. What is your favorite restaurant?
To be safe, do not assume (remember…. Assume can make an Ass out of U and Me) and don’t presume you know what a person likes, wants or what their words mean unless you have asked!
Have a Blessed day …. Be clear when in conversation and remember that some of the best gifts are Love, Music, Laughter and Your Time.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Hi, my friends,
So, here we are coming upon Thanksgiving 2020…. I wish you all a Thankful and Grateful Thanksgiving.
The big question is:
What do we do when we cannot have our big family get-togethers for our traditional family holiday celebrations?
I get that many people don’t mind restricting holiday celebrations this year or any other time for that matter, as they don’t generally celebrate holidays with family and friends. Many do not like getting together with extended family because there always seems to be drama.
Drama or not, there are many of us who still want some kind of gathering and celebration to acknowledge the holidays, make our favorite foods and share in at least a couple traditional habits. Because this virus crisis of 2020 has pretty much canceled everything that calls for a gathering of those not quarantined together, we all must get more creative, like using technology to connect, such as Facetime, Zoom, and various other apps that allow for group conversations.
Traditions Gone Virtual
Below, I have found a couple of blogs on just how to do a virtual Thanksgiving in 2020. Keep in mind this will work for all gatherings you and your family will want to have while we are going through this crisis.
The best way to host a virtual Thanksgiving
I loved the suggestion to have a virtual potluck, and of course, as a game lover, the suggestions for games that can be played online together are just right.
It’s not Thanksgiving without great food. To make dinner extra fun for guests, invite them to prepare a special dish to show off on camera. If everyone is up for it, the host even can assign a different dish to everyone, so each person will have something unique to bring to the virtual table.
Planning a Zoom Thanksgiving? Here’s what you need to know
This is a very practical article, with advice on where to place the computer, for example.
What are you thinking? Put a laptop next to the turkey and move it around during the dinner? Place an iPhone near the cranberries? A webcam by the stuffing?
Esther Yoon, a marketing manager for Zoom, the most popular video meeting service, says consumers will no doubt mostly put their laptops on the table, because “so many homes have them,” but that there are better choices.
Making New Traditions
For some of us, our “Traditional” celebrations of Thanksgiving and Christmas has been changed forever, if we have lost a loved one, especially one who set most of the traditions of our holiday gatherings.
When my husband passed away, we tried to have everything as it had always been. However, it was not as it had always been and it caused us more sadness than we already felt over our loss. We needed to remember my husband, talk about him and even use some of his favorite recipes but we needed to change things up and make new traditions that fit our life without him. Another sad reality of losing a loved one but for all of us to continue to move forward it was a needed adjustment. This is never easy, in fact it is heartbreaking and it can feel awkward at first, however, we are not removing a loved one’s memory, we are adjusting to their physical absence.
If it is time to make different traditions for your holidays take a look at the suggestions below:
18 Thanksgiving Tradition Ideas for a Stress-Free, Gratitude-Packed Holiday
Two ideas from the 18 traditions of this article that I really liked are:
Remember Lost Loved Ones
On a day made for spending time with the people you care about most, set aside a little of it to think of loved one who have passed on. Get everyone to gather together and share a story or a special moment they remember; through those memories, you keep your loved ones alive in your hearts and can pass on important family legacies to the next generation.
Catch Up with Far-Off Family
The bigger your family gets, the harder it is to get everyone together for the holidays, and with the ongoing global pandemic, travel promises to be trickier than ever this year. But even if some of your nearest and dearest can’t make it to the celebration in person, there’s no reason not to see them on turkey day. Embrace the wonders of technology and set up a time to video chat with everyone you’re missing during the holiday—after all, there’s no reason your traditions can’t get a 21st century boost.
20 Unique Thanksgiving Traditions to Start With Your Family This Year
Two of my Favorites from this article are:
#3 Celebrate Everyone’s Birthdays
Families that only see each other once a year, this one’s for you. Emma Seymour of the Good Housekeeping textiles lab says her family sings Happy Birthday when they gather for Thanksgiving — cake with candles included! That way, everyone gets to celebrate their birthday with those they love, even if they can’t travel to be together on the actual da
#17 Take a Walk After Eating
Get your blood moving after you eat for a new tradition that’s good for you. Bundle up if you live in a cold climate and bring some flashlights if it’s after dusk and take a lap around the block. Going for a stroll gives the crew more time to chat than turning on the tube, too.
Whatever you decide to do for these upcoming holidays make sure you stay safe, stay in a heartfelt state of gratitude for what you do have and who you have around you. If you do decide to have a virtual Thanksgiving, remember you can invite family and friends who normally cannot travel to your celebratory gatherings.
Much love and big hugs to all,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Emergency Preparedness Tips From Someone Who Has Been There!
Greetings, my Friends….
Well, we have had more fires than is believable, with a few earthquakes thrown in, where I now live.
I just read and shared a post on FB about a well-known chef whose home burned down from a chimney fire. They lost everything. Absolutely everything. Even though they were home at the time, they had no time to get upstairs to their offices to save anything — computers, iPads, journals, notepads, records of any kind, or any other keepsakes or artwork that was part of their world.
With all of these disasters, by either Mother Nature, arson or malfunctioning fireplaces, stoves, furnaces and so on, I am once again on the “Be Prepared as Best as You Can” Train.
Tips For Emergency Preparedness
- Have a “To Go Bag” ready. It is recommended to have a kit in your home, your car and your office.
- Get your paperwork protected. Keep an extra copy of your paperwork in a separate location, with your lawyer or a trusted family member.
- Back up your life with thumbdrives with digital photos and other important documents. If you have precious family letters, consider having them digitized.
- Get a safety deposit box, a fireproof safe or both to store your wills, important paperwork to re-start your life if need be, photos and jewelry in the safe or box.
- At night, put your computer, iPad, extra power cords and chargers into a good computer bag with a strap, that is easy to grab. Set it by your bedroom door, in case you have to run.
- Create an inventory of your belongings, especially valuables. Take a photo from every angle of every room, of jewelry, artwork, musical instruments, guns, any and all hunting fishing equipment, scan scrap books and photos, furs and expensive clothing, all vehicles including boats and toys. These will be very useful in filing your insurance claim.
There are guidelines and all kinds of information on being prepared. Research them and choose what will work for you and your family.
BUT, keep in mind…..Crap happens!!! Your plan needs a back-up plan.
What Will You Do in These Scenarios?
1. You can have all of the “To Go Bags” for every member of your family including pets, ready to grab and go, but if you are not home when disaster strikes, what then? (Sadly, we are often told not to leave anything in our cars, especially at beaches, recreation sites, etc)
2. You can put together all of the survival supplies on any one of these lists, and in the beginning, you may very well be disciplined to check it over every 3 months for any foods, liquids, batteries and so on that may have expired, but are you disciplined to continue to check your survival kits every 3 months?
3. Will you be disciplined to change out clothing as the seasons or sizes change?
4. Will you be able to keep keys, combinations, and passwords handy at all times? (it is nice to have a safety deposit box but if you cannot find the key…. What then?)
5. Where will you store your inventory, and how will you keep them updated, if you sell or change out anything in your inventory?
It’s not my intent to throw a wet towel on being prepared, but I want you to really think through being prepared and not think it is a simple, quick fix like purchasing a Go bag off the internet.
Resources for Preparedness
Below is just a small list of websites to help you get started and make some extremely important preparations for surviving any kind of disaster that may come.
1.My Life in a Box, created by Laurie Ecklund Long
I am a Certified Trainer for “My Life in a Box.” Contact me today to learn how to use “My Life in a Box. ”
https://mylifeinabox.com
2. READY, from Homeland Security
https://www.ready.gov/kit
3. SKILLED SURVIVAL
https://www.skilledsurvival.com/go-bag-list/
4. RED CROSS
https://www.redcross.org/get-help/how-to-prepare-for-emergencies/survival-kit-supplies.html
5. INC.
Disaster Prep: The 10 Things You Should Absolutely Have In A Go Bag, by Melanie Curtin
You can put these items together for under $100. They could save your life.
What do you have to lose by not being prepared ….. Possibly Everything!!!
Stay Safe.
Hugs,
Carolyn
