by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
What You Need to Know About Elder Care
One of the serious Life Events that many either do not want to talk about and prepare for or are not emotionally ready to talk about or prepare for, is taking care of Elderly Parents.
Many of us have witnessed, either within our circle friends or within our own family, an elderly person needing the care of their family members.
Why can this not go smoother?
What To Consider When Planning for Elder Care
There are so many reasons to be considered when Adult Children or Adult Grandchildren have to step in and care for an elderly family member:
1. What is the Health status of the elderly parent?
2. Can the parent make logical and coherent responses and decisions?
3. What is the status of the relationship between the parents and the adult children
4. If there is more than one adult child what is the relationship among the siblings?
5. Who will be the primary caregiver?
6. Who will be the primary decision-maker or will it be collective venture?
7. What does the financial picture look like?
8. Who will either help with or completely handle the parent’s financial status?
9. Who will be given Power of Attorney?
10. Can the parent afford Professional Caregivers to help family members with their care?
11. What is the family history and do they get along?
12. Will the elderly parent stay in their home, have to move in with a family member or go to an extended care facility or nursing home?
As you can see, the list of “Need to Know” inquiries can be very long and every question brings forth more questions and numerous variables. However, two primary things can help immensely with the process: Communication and Preplanning. These two thing are of the utmost of importance when parents are entering their golden years.
Additional Resources for Navigating Elder Care
In addition to this list of questions that need to be addressed, please take a look at the links below and allow those in the field of elder care to help you become aware of some of the things to look for.
Caring for Your Parent: An Action Plan for Adult Children, from AgingCare.com
Stephanie Erickson, a clinical social worker in the field of geriatrics, writes:
“When we were young children, we looked to our parents to tell us right from wrong, to make decisions for us and to protect us. As we became young adults, our relationships with our parents changed. We still turned to them often, but more for guidance and support. Never did we imagine or expect that one day we would be caring for Mom and/or Dad. Now we are the ones in the “worry seat.”
Read the full article: https://alzlive.com/tips/caregiving/when-did-i-become-the-parent-and-what-should-i-do/
This excerpt comes from an article by Francine Russo, author of They?re Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents? Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy
“Providing care for your parents can be complicated. When your brothers and sisters are also involved, caregiving can become even more complex. While your siblings can be enormously helpful and your best support, they can also be a source of stress.
In this fact sheet, you will learn how to identify the family dynamics that can impact caregiving, ways your siblings can help, how to increase your chances of getting that help, and how to deal with emotions that arise.”
Read the full article: https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-with-your-siblings
What to Do When Siblings Can’t Agree on a Parent’s Care Needs by Carol Bradley Bursack
“For some lucky families, having all adult siblings gather around and plan how to take care of Mom and Dad as their parents’ health begins to fail is a great comfort. For other families, things can take a disastrous turn when siblings who never got along as kids and have had little to do with each other as adults are thrown together to make caregiving decisions.”
Read the full article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/sibling-disputes-about-elderly-parents-care-134376.htm
Hopefully, all these resources will help you open a conversation with your loved ones, whether you are the aging parent yourself or the adult child helping a parent navigate elder care.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Is Loss Aversion Holding You Back?
Greetings, my Friends
Well, I am at it again. Decluttering, what little I do have, and pairing down to minimal belongings. Why? Because I have been in my new location 3 years and if I have not used what I still have packed in a few containers in my closet and, they are not holiday or season directed, then I am pretty sure they can go.
For me, it is important that at my stage in life, when that day comes that I am called to my next assignment in the great beyond, that my kids do not have a crapload of stuff to go through and get rid of.
I out and out asked my adult children and my Grands to do us all a favor and tell me what they wanted me to hang onto and what they did not have an interest in. We, together, have already decided and labeled what they would actually want and, trust me, it is not much. It has become far more important to experience life and have fun together than spend time caring for, organizing, and reorganizing stuff and things. We have spent the last 5 years having interesting and fun experiences and making wonderful memories.
Fortunately, my son and his family are natural minimalists which makes it much easier to not only get rid of anything not being used in the present but to also not buy more “stuff.”
It is amazing how simple we can live, how much more time we have to play, and how peaceful it is to not have so much to clean/dust and constantly arrange or rearrange in our garage, house, sheds and storage units that can be full of stuff no longer being used.
And I can tell you, that in the end, you will not take anything material with you.
Loss Aversion
One evening after my husband passed away I was sitting in my favorite “contemplation chair” thinking about the huge task ahead of me in taking care of my husband’s belongings. Then the realization hit me that not only did I need to let go of his belongings but mine as well. We had lived in this house for 25 years and although we had continually cleared out closets, sheds, and storage bins, we still had a lot of “stuff.”
I also decided to sell my home, and take a big “Leap of Faith” to move across the country. Lord have mercy, the getting rid of “stuff” became a huge reality.
I grew up with very little and I thought I had a hard time getting rid of or letting go of my “stuff” because of the money I had spent on it, or maybe, just maybe my kids would want some of what I considered keepsakes or because it held some memory of importance or someone special to me had given it to me.
While packing up to move, I made piles of what I considered keepsakes to take photos of and log into a folder labeled “Memories” on my external hard drive. The point was to then give away that pile, However, as good as my intentions were to minimize there were still a few things I would put right back into a storage container to think more about before letting go of it.
About a month ago, my son and I, had a discussion about simplifying and the difficulty of letting go of belongings, stuff, and things we really no longer needed. I told him I had decided to let go of a few more things. I have about four storage totes of various things I thought I should keep as I might use them in my new surroundings, however, I had not even opened them since I put them in my closet. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out why letting go of things I no longer need or use always seemed so difficult. He brought up the subject that perhaps it is due more to “Loss Aversion” than emotional attachment.
“Loss Aversion,” what ????….. I had never heard of it!
I dove right into researching this interesting possibility and possible excuse for not letting go of my stuff and things and of learning another reason we have so much difficulty simplifying our lives. Much to my relief, we not only have emotional attachments to our stuff and things but we also can have a very strong aversion to what we consider a loss.
I invite you to check out the links below and to further research to find other links to help give yourself permission to simplify your life and let go of those things that are cluttering or stacking up unused.
5 Common Mental Errors That Sway You From Making Good Decisions by James Clear
Loss Aversion-Why do we hang on to things for no reason? from Psychology Today
Take care of yourself and stay safe.
And if you have a mind to get more simplified in your living, no better time than during this virus crisis.
Your turn: Tell me what you’ve been letting go of these, and how you feel about it! Leave a comment below, or visit me on Facebook.
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings, my Friends
I am about to thinly embark on a subject that has fascinated me since I first heard the term… “Choice Architecture, ” also known as the “Nudge Theory.”
I say “Thinly” because in my research I, as usual, have found a plethora of information, explanations and examples of how “Choice Architecture” is practiced when we, the consumers, are buying food, buying a car, buying a TV, buying a house, buying clothes, joining a gym, trying to stay on a specific eating plan and on and on and on.
Have you heard of these terms and do you know how they play a part in your life?
This term coined by Thaler and Sunstein (2008) refers to the practice of influencing choice by “organizing the context in which people make decisions” (Thaler et al., 2013, p. 428; see also nudge). A frequently mentioned example is how food is displayed in cafeterias, where offering healthy food at the beginning of the line or at eye level can contribute to healthier choices. Choice Architecture includes many other behavioral tools that affect decisions, such as defaults, framing, or decoyoptions. Source
The terms were new to me. However, I liked the ability to put a name to what I often realize are marketing ploys to direct me to what the advertisers want me to purchase, whether for not it is affordable for me, or in my best interest and unravel how we are influenced in making the choices we make.
I first heard this term while in a discussion about the best way to be successful in changing ones eating habits. Now the meaning and theory of “Choice Architecture” is not new to me. I just did not know it had a name, a scientific study, a book about it and that the study won the Nobel Prize.
Many of the businesses in the diet industry have suggested “Choice Architecture” without defining it as “Choice Architecture.” Most will suggest that before you begin a new eating plan/diet plan, that you remove everything from your cupboards, pantry, and refrigerator that is not on your new eating/dieting plan. By doing this, you will not be tempted to eat foods that do not support your loss of weight or maintaining a healthy weight. This is, I now know, “Choice Architecture” and by removing all foods you cannot or should not eat on your new eating/diet plan you have become a “Choice Architect.”
Would you agree this is a plan for success? I know for me, this is the best way to be successful in embarking on and practicing a new eating plan to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight. Therefore, I have no issue with using “Choice Architecture” in designing my pantry, refrigerator, and cupboards to help me be successful.
However, when I was discussing this action of removing all temptations from the kitchen and candy jars, the question came up about “what if only one person in the household is on a new eating plan or dieting plan and others who live in the household are not dieting?” This is when the term “Choice Architecture” came up. I would be practicing “Choice Architecture” for my success but is it fair to limit the choices of others in the household….. Say What????
Well, Dang… now I needed to research how I could practice “Choice Architecture” without infringing on the rest of the family. Can this even be accomplished? Do I pick cupboards that specifically have only my food in them? Do I buy a small refrigerator just for myself? Do I fix my foods when no one else is around and eat in a separate room? Not very likely that this would be a long-term arrangement if I am to keep living in a multigenerational household. Now what?
So far what I have found is that either “Everyone is In or Nobody Wins”…..
Hopefully, in your household, everyone will come on board and everyone will subscribe to eat a healthy and balanced plan to help the one who is needing to lose weight. What about the goodies and snacks? I guess those who do not have a weight or health issue can find creative ways to have their snacks outside of the home.
How does choice architecture play out in your own life? Leave a comment below or come visit me on Facebook to share!
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
Life Lessons from a 70-Something
Greetings, my Beautiful, Wonderful, Talented, and Magnificent Family and Friends.
So here comes another Birthday I am so Grateful for having. Yep… I am Blessed to be 73 years young this Birthday. I have made a list of life lessons I’ve learned… and of course, there are so many that I decided for now to list only a few….. I know…. You’re welcome. LOL
We, who are over 70, are often referred to as;
Senior Citizens…
Golden Oldies….
The Downhill Sliders…. Yikes!
The truth of being over 70 in today’s world is much different than any other time in history.
I never suggest that any insight I offer on life skills be taken on an “instead basis.” I NEVER give Advice. I do provide Learned Guidance, and I suggest that one take what they can use from my Sage offerings and make it their own or add to their personal experience for enhancement, the rest, toss aside. In other words, if what I offer does not fit, don’t try to wear it. That’s one life lesson for you!
Living to 100 or older, we have earned the right to impart our wisdom. Read this story: 100-year-old woman shares her biggest lessons for a long and happy life
Below, I offer you 25 of the many things I have learned from my life experiences. Life Lessons, if you will.
- It is crucial to be a Forever Learner.
- It is essential to make Music a part of your daily/nightlife.
- Make Play, Laughter, and Dreaming a daily practice.
- Get out into nature, walk barefoot through the grass, sand, and dirt.
- Do Not allow others’ opinions of you, your talents, your successes or goals, and your dreams to affect or change the journey you believe is right for you.
- Do not blindly accept other’s opinions, definitions, and explanations without researching for answers for yourself.
- Know yourself inside and outside, know your Values, your Capabilities, Talent, Likes, and Dislikes, What you will settle for, and what you won’t. Never Compromise yourself.
- We cannot un-ring a bell, take back words spoken, un-see displayed anger or actions.
- Know that Children will do what they See way before they do what they Hear.
- Everyone knows how to fail, but we do not often know how to recognize our successes.
- If you want peace and joy, let go of Expectations, Self-imposed Outcomes, and limit your “Stuff and Things” to remain as mobile as possible, which equates to freedom, not “poor-dom.”
- You are the only one who can make you happy…Period!
- When a negative thought comes to you, ask yourself if that thought is True? If the thought is not true, why are you wasting your life minutes thinking about it? If the negative thought is true, what can you do to turn it around?
- Power naps are health-promoting and rejuvenating.
- Don’t be so busy that you put things off…..Know when a do-over is possible and when a do-over can never be, especially with children, and take appropriate action. One can see a movie again, but your children’s play or dance recital is a whole different story.
- Keep the Life Wheel in a prominent place and check it often to help keep you in balance.
- Whether you worry or think in possibilities, both are affirmations.
- Take your time to get to know the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ask each other the most pertinent questions concerning Values, Beliefs, What Love means to them, What the words Husband and Wife mean to them, What is their belief and philosophy on raising children, What are their expectations of the Mate they want for life?
- Learn the art of Communication, Learn how to argue for a win-win outcome.
- Be and stay in Love with Life. Find your Blessings and Gratitude’s every day.
- Never go to bed angry with anyone or anything. Resolve anger by addressing what is making you angry, then fix it or forgive it right there.
- Make time for Family. Make time for your Tribe of close Friends.
- Learn something new every day
- Don’t stay with a job that you dislike. No job is forever; keep looking for the job that can become your passion.
- How you react to any given event or situation will be a big decision maker for the outcome.
Some “Bonus” Life Lessons
I know I said I had 25 life lessons, but I can’t not include some of these as well!
One of The most important lessons I have learned is that our Expectations can and will cause us some of the biggest disappointments and heartaches we can experience in our life. No one can fully live up to the Expectations of another!
Never give another permission to make you over to their specifications.
Never compromise your Values or your Gut Instincts for anyone.
If you think you truly know another, no matter who they are within your life… You Do Not!
Make it a habit to find a minimum of 5 things to be Grateful every day of your life!
Blessings to you,
Carolyn
PS Many of my life lessons have come from the wisdom of others. Check out my library!
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Reframing Chores:
What does the Word Chore mean to You?
What do you think of when you hear the word “Chore”?
For me, “Chore” or “Chores” means Work. Work that has to be done in order to live a fairly normal, clean, and organized life. The thought of doing “Chores,” conjures up a feeling of drudgery, a feeling of “I want to do something fun instead of that list of Chores.” Of course, there are those who will say; “Yes, you have chores and you need to be glad you do, it means you have a roof over your head,” and this is absolutely true… I am grateful I have a roof over my head, however, taking care of it does not have to be chore-based.
What I hear quite a bit from my clients and friends is:
“It’s been a busy week at work… or there has been a lot of stress this week,” but I have so many “Chores” to do,
I have to spend the weekend getting caught up with my “Chores” instead of going camping, or going out with my friends, and heaven forbid spend a day shopping and having lunch out with a friend”
Have you said any of these or something similar?
From the age of 6 until I left home at 18, I had a list of “Chores” …. Ugh…. My chores consisted of cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, ironing, (yes, back when I was a kid, we ironed once a week all iron-able clothing), and watching my siblings.
We had our daily chores, our weekend chores, our monthly chores, and finally, our seasonal chores.
Little did I know that when I got married, not only did my chores increase but so did the responsibility of making that Chore list. I was already trained in doing all household chores and a few yard chores, so it wasn’t a big leap. However, I did notice that while I had “Chores, ” my husband had a “Honey-Do List.”
What!!!!!!
I asked my husband why he got to have a “Honey-Do List,” and I had a “Chore List” to which he replied, with humor, that since he was considered The Honey, it meant that if Honey did not want to do what was on his list, he did not have to… or at the very least he could perform the items on his Honey-Do list as he wanted to ….. While we had a laugh about his description of a “Honey-Do List,” he quickly added that he would gladly help me with my “Chore List” if I was overwhelmed at all. So, I immediately handed him my list and said “Thank you, Honey, then I picked up a book and sat down in my favorite chair. All he said was “Really?” LOL
The subject came up recently about everyone in our home having chores that they are expected to do. The word “Chore” kept coming into my thought processes, so once again, I decided to research the word and its precise meaning. And sure enough, according to several dictionaries, the word “Chore” means exactly what I felt it meant — “Work, Unpleasant tasks, Disagreeable task.” (see below a couple of the definitions)
Definitions of Chore
Dictionary.com
a small or odd job; routine task.
chores, the everyday work around a house or farm.
a hard or unpleasant task:
Solving the problem was quite a chore.
Merriam-Webster
chores plural : the regular or daily light work of a household or farm
a routine task or job
The children were each assigned household chores.
a difficult or disagreeable task
doing taxes can be a real chore
Choose the Right Synonym for chore
TASK, DUTY, JOB, CHORE, STINT, ASSIGNMENT mean a piece of work to be done. TASK implies work imposed by a person in authority or an employer or by circumstance. Charged with a variety of tasks
Cambridge Dictionary
a job or piece of work that is often boring or unpleasant but needs to be done regularly:
I’ll go shopping when I’ve done my chores (= done the jobs in or around the house).
I find writing reports a real chore (= very boring).
His work is a chore to be suffered and is hard to come to terms with.
From the Cambridge English Corpus
This is why I have decided to change the word “Chore” for my list of things I need to do to keep a tidy, clean, and welcoming atmosphere at my home. Does it really make a difference? Probably not for many, but to me, at my stage in life, I want to have more fun therefore, my “Chore List” needs to become more positive and fun. I play music, dance with my vacuum cleaner and mop, toss my clothes into the washer like I am making baskets and “Rumba” my way around making the bed.
I was thinking all “Chore” lists should just be called “Honey-Do” projects. Or “Home Projects,” I always feel accomplished when I say I have completed many “Projects”. LOL
Giving household responsibilities (mostly known as “Chores”), to children does teach them to be responsible for living within a family society and to know how to survive fairly well on their own. Therefore, I do support everyone in the family having their own “Home Projects” they are responsible for.
In our household we all pitch in, everyone cleans and vacuums their own bedrooms, we each put our dishes into the dishwasher or wash them, dry them, and puts them away, we take turns vacuuming the bigger areas and bathrooms. Weekends are free for play. For the bigger “Projects” we turn up the music and all help. We live a “One for all and All for One” lifestyle. It works for us and provides us the freedom to do the things we really love doing.
More Reading on Chores
In my research, I came across a couple of Household “Chore Lists” that may be very helpful. Whether you rename your lists of responsibilities or not, it all works out to a positive ending if everyone chips in and helps, freeing up the weekends for play, for the whole family.
The Ultimate household chore list.
All of the Household Chores You Should Be Doing Every Day : Home maintenance needs a plan of action to create a peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. Use this list of daily household chores to develop your game plan.
Check out these age-appropriate chore lists from The Spruce for ideas for every age in your house.
So, my friends, whatever you call your list of “things that need to get done” make it fun. We only get one chance to make this trip through life meaningful and I, for one, do not want to realize in the end that I spent more life minutes doing “Chores,” than living life.
Hugs
