by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings, Friends
Throughout my life, like so many of you, I have had dreams, goals, and held onto the perceptions of what I thought my life, career, and successes would be. I have always been a “Why Not,” “Take that Leap of Faith,” “Believe you can do it until proven otherwise,” “If it doesn’t work try another way,” kinda gal.
My family could not send nor help send me to go to college and although I wanted to be a psychologist, I was fortunate enough to earn a scholarship to the cosmetology college in our town. Given this opportunity, hairstyling became my chosen career. While in cosmetology college, a colleague and I decided to become hairstylists on a cruise ship. We applied and were accepted to begin work as soon as we passed our state boards. As chance would have it, just before we graduated she met a guy who became her steady, and he did not want her to go abroad and did not support her goal, so I was left to decide if I should go forward as planned or change directions.
I had become very good at doing makeovers, makeup for entertainers, and local plays. One of my instructors suggested that instead of going to work on a cruise ship, I pursue further training as a Hollywood makeup, creative makeup, and special effects makeup artist, and being a trained hairstylist I could support myself doing hair while learning the art of theater/movie makeup. “Wow, “ said I with great excitement. I had never thought of such a fun twist to what I loved to do. I booked my trip and signed up with the Max Factor School of Makeup, ready to live “the” dream.
I graduated from cosmetology college, took my state boards, and worked for a year and a half to earn the money needed to pay for my trip and down payment for attending training in Hollywood.
Six months before I was to leave for Hollywood, I met a man who, a year and a half later, became my husband. And like my colleague’s mate, he did not support my goal to become a special effects makeup artist and live in Hollywood, so I stayed and worked as a hairstylist in my hometown. I purchased my own hair salon and ran it until my husband received an opportunity to take a morning radio show position in Alaska.
Can you see that in both my story and my colleague’s story, our relationships dictated the path we ended up taking in our careers? This is not unusual. Many have veered off a path they thought they wanted to travel to a path that included a life partner. We have read many times how a Hollywood actress or actor gave up their careers to support their spouse’s careers.
And that is what I ended up doing. My husband and I were born on the cusp of “the olden days,” and even though I was seven years younger than he, we lived more in the “olden days” philosophies than any “new way of thinking and doing.” Therefore, my work was to bring in a second income while still being able to take care of the “duties” of a wife, mother, and homemaker, and even though I had many fabulous opportunities to enter into a public career, I was to keep my status as having a job, not a CAREER, hence allowing me to fully support my husband’s career.
What If?
My path in my life has brought me many times to ask, Would I have had a better chance of obtaining some, just some, of my goals and dreams if “Life Coaching” had been a thing back then? What if I could have consulted with a Life Coach or Mentor, someone who was not emotionally involved in my life, someone who would be a neutral sounding board, someone who I could speak my truths, dreams, goals, and hopes to and to show me a possible plan of action that would be a “win-win?”
For many years, the term “Coach” generally pertained to Sports. Life Coaching became a “thing” in the 1980s. Which is quite a ways past the time I needed a coach for my relationship and career choices.
To this day, there is absolutely no doubt that if Life Coaching, Career Coaching, Business Coaching, and Relationship Coaching had been a “thing” from early on in my life, I would have accomplished many more of the goals, dreams, wishes, and hopes that are long gone now. I did, and not easily, achieve a college degree in psychology at the age of 62.
There is absolutely no doubt that if my husband and I had hired a business coach, that a couple of the businesses we started would have been very successful and lucrative. Interestingly enough, when my husband, who was a public speaker and a radio announcer, wanted to expand his speaking arena, we hired a vocal coach, never once thinking of hiring a business coach. Instead, we just winged our way through trying to start and run a business.
Please don’t reply with the old adage of “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE”…Trust me when I say there are very specific things that it is too late to accomplish after a certain age, or at the very least be very good at doing!
It is said by many very successful, well-known, and very wealthy individuals that, “everyone needs a life coach including the life coach themselves.”
When life coaching became so publicly advertised, (Tony Robbins is definitely a forerunner in this and has done a good job of bringing life and business coaching to the forefront), I realized how much I would have benefited from having a life and business coach, and because of this realization, I became a Certified Professional and NLP Coach (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) to help others.
As I look back, I see that there were so many times, that having a “non-emotionally involved individual,” who had no preconceived ideas of who I was or should be, or had no fear that if I took on a particular position, it would change their comfort zone, as a sounding board, I could have accomplished a few of the visions of who I felt I could be.
If I could accomplish anything, I would like to take the stigma out of needing help/coaching to be successful. People have sought out mentors for centuries without hesitation.
The real question is…. Do you need to hire a life coach, or as some like to be called, a Life Strategist Coach, a Business Coach, or a Relationship Coach? If you don’t feel you can afford to invest much money in yourself or your business yet, then find a trusted family member or friend with whom you are ok being vulnerable, and would be willing to mentor you. It is often difficult to talk to a family member or friend because they have a perceptional vision of who they think you are and what you should be doing. Whereas a Certified Professional Coach or Mentor is coming to the table with no preconceived ideas of who they think you are and will always be a neutral sounding board for your thoughts, ideas, goals, and dreams.
What is the difference between a Life Coach and a Mentor?
A Life Coach is an advisor who helps people make decisions, set and reach goals, or deal with problems.
Many Life Coaches or Life Strategists help us to know ourselves better, what our values are, what direction we want for our home life, relationships, career, health and wellness, financial, spiritual, and how to set goals and reach those goals to include helping our planning for checking those long time wishes on our Bucket Lists.
Life/Strategists Coaches are a safe sounding board and confidante for all of a person’s dreams, hopes and can help lessen or quiet all of those ideas that are running around in our heads by getting them all out on paper and being able to actually “see” what the heck is on our minds.
A mentor is a trusted counselor or guide.
Most mentors are or have been role models who are helping or have already helped and guided a person within a particular career or the Mentor has maneuvered a few of life’s toughest experiences successfully. When we go to a mentor we want to know how they dealt with a particular situation, or how they did something that we are trying to do.
There is always fresh growth and changes in the field of Certified Professional Life Coaching. Good coaches gain new tools of their trade to bring in more options to help in the clarifications of what their clients want to accomplish.
Most Life Coaches, Life Strategists, Business Coaches, Relationship Coaches, and Career Coaches offer a consultation for free. This assures you and the coach is a good fit for designing your route to the successes you know you deserve.
Below I have listed a few links about Life Coaching that I hope will help you at least think about whether outside help and perspectives could push forward a few of your goals and dreams.
Any questions, I am happy to answer as best I can. Leave a comment below, or send me a message on Facebook!
From Chopra.com, https://chopra.com/articles/4-benefits-of-having-a-life-coach
From Entrepreneur.com, https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/345985
Huffington Post, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-find-a-life-coach_b_11992070
Don’t hesitate to check out the credentials of the coach you want to work with. Ask them what their qualifications are and if they are certified?
Those who have taken their certification will have tools that will help the process of building the path you want to take.
Hugs and Blessings
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Greetings, my Friends
Several years ago, I wrote a newspaper column called “Ask Mom.”
It was called Ask Mom because everyone at work called me Mom, no matter who they were or how old they were.
I have thought of reprising my column and calling it “Ask Carolyn.”
However, many have said they prefer “Ask Mom,” because when they have a problem they need to solve, they call me, text me or email me for help and it feels like they are talking to their mom.
Therefore, while I am trying to decide about the name of my new column, I am going to share a few of my original “Ask Mom” columns.
This way you will get the gist of why I sound more like a Mom than an Advice Columnist. In the letter below, I heard from a young man who was displeased with a habit that his wife had. Read on to find out exactly what the problem was, and how I responded.
Dear Mom,
I have been married for a couple of years and find that there are some things that my wife does that really bugs me. Our washer and dryer are in our garage. One of the big things we argue about is that when she brings the clean clothes in from the clothes dryer she leaves the clothes crumpled on a chair at the bottom of our stairway that goes to our bedrooms. How do I get her to stop doing that without getting into a big fight, which we seem to do every time I mention that she needs to do something a different way than the way she is doing it?
She keeps the house up most of the time but this chair thing is really getting on my nerves. Even when I mention the clothes she just says she knows they are there and goes on with what she is doing instead of taking them upstairs and putting them away.
Mom, Aka Carolyn:
Whoa, pull up your high horse and dismount, son!
This sounds a lot like the old “your job, my job” attitude.
I thought we finally started to let go of such belief systems in the ’90s and started behaving in a more companionship/friendship relationship with our mates. Each of us taking equal responsibilities and not hesitating to help the other if one gets overwhelmed or overtired.
Since this has become a predominately two-income family society, it is more important than ever to share the home chores and responsibilities. The pile of clothes in that chair is obviously bothering you a whole more than it is bothering your wife.
What is stopping you from asking her what she wants done with those clothes and how you can help her clear that chair?
Everyone works differently, and we need to respect each other’s style and priorities. You may be the type of person who works systematically, is very organized, and likes to have a place for everything and everything in its place, while your wife may do things in a more casual way and her list of priorities may be nowhere near your list of priorities.
Now, having said all this let me add that if it is your wife’s personality to clutter and never put things away until they get totally out of hand, it is safe to suggest that this scenario becomes a communication issue, darn, there’s that word communication again, funny how that seems to be the basis for so many things.
It is time to have a sit-down conversation about how you can be more helpful and to find out what is important to her and let her know what is important to you.
And I mean a conversation, not an accusation session.
She may prefer to mow the lawn, wash the cars or take the cars for service rather than do the housework. No one really said that only women could do the housework. In fact, I have a friend whose husband is a much better cook and housekeeper and actually enjoys these tasks. She has no problem letting him take those tasks on while she mows and takes care of the lawn, shopping, and bookkeeping, which she enjoys.
My point is that they have found out what each other likes and dislikes doing and agreed on a very workable solution. Again, housework, yard work, cooking, and shopping are really not specific to one partner over the other.
So young man, I highly suggest you relieve your own stress level and put those clothes away yourself and then be proud that you became part of a solution to what you perceive to be a problem and, more importantly, you have then helped your wife instead of criticizing her.
A marriage/relationship is 100/100 not 50/50.
Hugs Mom
So what do you think? Did this resonate with you and make you think about the differences in how each of us does things around our homes and how difficult it is to communicate with each other if a habit is already part of our routines?
I often have couples write out all the chores, responsibilities, and things that absolutely have to get done to run a home, and that works for everyone living in said home.
Then I ask them to put their initials beside the things each is responsible for or does because they either have time to do it or are expected to do it.
Then we look at the balance and discuss which things on the list each one prefers to do and which ones each one absolutely dislikes to do.
For the things that are on the “dislike” list, we come to an agreement that it is easier to take turns doing them than one person stuck with that chore or responsibility all the time.
In my era, we had distinct responsibilities assigned, once we said “I Do,” and I can say “Thank Goodness that is changing with these last couple of generations.”
Whether you are married, in a personal or workplace relationship, or in friendship, I have found it is so much better if we determine who does what in sharing responsibilities for any and all tasks that the relationship expects. It makes it a whole lot easier, more fun, and organized when we can do what we like to do and share that which we do not like to do. Any way we cut it, someone has to clean the toilet!
What do you think? Leave a comment or visit me on Facebook!
Much Love to you and Big Hugs
Carolyn
PS: You might find the links below an interesting read.
I Created a System to Make Sure My Husband and I Divide Household Duties Fairly. Here’s How It Works.
9 Ways to Split Household Chores With Your Spouse
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings, My Friends
According to American writer Alvin Toffler, “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.”
Many of us have things we do that have become an automatic habit. We may have habits we learned from our parents, family members, or someone in our life that were an influence on how we believe, act, and respond to life.
Have you ever questioned why you hold the beliefs you do?
Have you ever questioned why you have the habits you have?
How many times when asked why you do something a certain way, you respond with “I don’t know,” or “that’s how my Mother/Father did it,” or “that’s how I/we have always done it”, or “it is a tradition in my family.”
The Pot Roast Principle
A great story and example of this is “The Pot Roast Principle”. This is the way I heard this story and I have since found many versions of the story, though the true origin of the story is unknown.
A young bride was cooking her first dinner for her new husband. While she was preparing the roast, her husband walked into the kitchen. He watched as she cut off the ends of the pot roast, put it in the pan, and then into the oven. He was curious, so he asked why she cut off the ends of the roast. She said, “I don’t know, that’s what my mother always did.”
The next time they visited his bride’s parents, he asks his wife’s mother why she cut off the ends of a pot roast before cooking it. The mother said she didn’t really know; it is the way her mother cooked a roast.
So being even more curious, he called the grandmother and asked her why she cuts off the end of a pot roast before cooking it. The grandmother said, “My oven was so small and I only had one small pan to put the roast in and the roast never seemed to fit so I had to cut off the ends to get it into the pan.”
This is such a fun example of not always knowing the “why” of what we do or a habit we have always had, or why we have some of the beliefs we do.
For instance, from my own life, I have a certain way of cleaning; I have certain beliefs, I have certain mannerisms and habits that all came from what I learned from my parent’s beliefs and habits.
My birthday is coming up and my son asked me, “Mom, what would you say you have learned most in your soon-to-be 74 years?”
My answer:
“Son, I have learned that what I thought I knew, I don’t, and that I need to unlearn many outdated habits and relearn some new ones. All the knowledge about life that I have learned all these years is not always true and I need to be constantly learning, relearning, and updating my knowledge base just like our computers.”
There are many things I have already unlearned and relearned as I look back and assess my belief system. I have listed a few below.
Unlearning and Relearning
Unlearn – That happiness comes from others, the right job, the right relationship, having a big bank account, having a big house, having a big bold vehicle, having the “right” friends, or having the right body shape.
Relearn – Happiness comes strictly from within. To find happiness and peace one must stop rushing through life and relationships and truly get to know who we really are and what we really want in life. Then set about learning how to have and give ourselves the gift of being truly happy and learn and know how to live peacefully.
Unlearn – That what others think of you is important.
Relearn – What others think of you is actually none of your business. Others’ opinions are merely their perception of you…. A perception which is not complete, therefore their opinion is biased and most of the time their opinion of you is based on limited information. We are different with everyone we know and meet. If two people you know met for coffee and began talking about people they have in common your name came up. One describes you to the other, the other person may not have a clue who they are describing because to them that description does not fit.
Unlearn – If we don’t have a lot of money, big paychecks, or big bank accounts we are poor.
Relearn – While money is nice to have and the rich do get richer, money isn’t the end-all. If we acquire a lot of money and can buy pretty much whatever we want, it is still not the “everything” many of us were taught to believe. Money means nothing if our health is bad, when the death of a loved one happens, or when anything irreversible happens in our life. Learn just how much money you truly need to live a comfortable life. Everything else is a “want”, not a need. I have learned that I live a far more peaceful life with less “stuff and things,” having a smaller home to clean and keep up than when I had a big house filled with all kinds of “stuff and things” most of what I didn’t even use after the newness wore off and had to constantly find storage for, or clean and dust instead of enjoying my life doing the things I loved to do.
Unlearn – That being alone, without a mate/companion/significant other, is being lonely.
Relearn – Learning how to be alone with ourselves is one of the most important gifts to give ourselves. I have only learned this after my husband passed away. When one is comfortable being alone with oneself and finds their own happiness and inner peace, they can become a much better companion to another if they so wish to engage in another relationship or companionship. Most importantly, being alone does not equate to being lonely. When I found myself without my long-term spouse, I learned how to reinvent myself, and add to my life rather than wither away in loneliness and unhappy solitude.
Unlearn – Once we have secured a job, we need to stick with it whether we like it or not!
Relearn – Once we have secured a job and find we dislike the job, then we need to keep doing our best for the person/company that hired us while we continue to look for something that we enjoy. Many often do not really know themselves very well, what they want, what they truly enjoy, or what they may be really good at until we enter the workforce and give a few jobs a try. Even those who have always dreamed of being in a particular profession, once they enter that profession, many times, will find they do not want or enjoy that profession at all. Don’t be afraid to change. Do more research or work with a Career Coach to help zero in on those possibilities that may be a better fit.
There are so many of these examples of habits that I’ve unlearned and relearned. From time to time, I am going to talk about a few more. The most important thing to remember is that the majority of our life is a result of choices we make, and the habits we develop, and if we do not take the time to know who we truly are, then we run our lives like it is a crapshoot.
Be cognizant of all that you are doing and know the why of what you are choosing to do.
Change is the ever constant in life, embrace it and make change fun and adventurous.
Big Hugs to you.
Carolyn
PS Read my birthday post from last year!
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings my friends,
Hope this finds you well, safe and happy.
Lately, I have been on a mission. I am studying the art of affirmations and listening to meditation music as I write and sleep.
Why?
Because it has come to my attention, again and again, just how negative many have become, including me. I also have found that we, as a human, have thousands of thoughts a day and that many of those thoughts land on the negative side rather than the positive side of our thought life.
Of course, the Coronavirus catastrophe beginning in 2020 and still carrying on in 2021 has caused even the most positive of people to work harder at finding the positive side of daily life in a lock-down scenario. Given the loss of jobs, businesses, most of our freedoms, and the ability to go to our favorite places to shop and eat, it is easy to see why we need to learn how to bring positive affirmations and mantras into our lives.
Many will think that only if one does Yoga does one chant mantras or affirmations… Not true at all.
One of the best all-time books is Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life, in which she teaches the importance of positive self-talk and positive affirmations.
When I ask others about affirmations and if they know the importance of keeping them positive, I find many do not realize that every thought is an affirmation. A negative thought is as much an affirmation as a positive one.
Yikes!!! It is true.
How many times have you done something that didn’t work out and you muttered the words “Dang it! That was stupid of me?”
or
“I can’t believe I did that, I am so dumb?”
or
“I am such an idiot?”
or
“Holy crap, I know better than to do that?”
Any of these sound familiar?
Everything we say after the words “I Am” is an affirmation about who we believe ourselves to be, negative or positive!
When I fully realized that no matter what I thought, or said, negative or positive, that I was actually saying that those negative thoughts were also what I wanted in my life, I got really serious about paying attention to every thought and every word I uttered. Now, when I catch myself thinking or saying something negative I immediately say “Stop, Cancel and Delete.”
I encourage you to try it for one week. Either use the Notes app on your phone or keep a notepad at hand. Make a note of every negative thought that falls into your head, especially those thoughts you allow to stay and think on. After the week is up, review the mental traffic that flows into and out of your mind. Be prepared, it may stun you. Look at the negative thought and see if there are any you can change into a more positive thought. The rest, just pay attention and if they come back, do not allow them to register into a thought that can take hold and make sure you “Stop, Cancel and Delete” the negative thought.
Resources for Learning More About Affirmations
So, what exactly is an Affirmation?
According to Merriam Webster:
1a : the act of affirming nodded his head in affirmation. b : something affirmed : a positive assertion His memoir is a reflective affirmation of family love. 2 law : a solemn declaration made under the penalties of perjury by a person who conscientiously declines taking an oath.
The following are a few examples of affirmations:
I am a unique and worthy person.
I respect myself
I make the best of every situation
I believe in, trust, and have confidence in myself
I look for humor and fun in as many situations as possible
Source: https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/positiveaffirmations.html
If you are not sure how to write an affirmation, especially a personal one, check out https://www.freeaffirmations.org. They offer affirmations on; Weight Loss, Attracting Money, Stop Procrastination, Motivation Affirmations, to name a few.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings my Friends,
Given the exasperations many people are feeling, brought about by this lockdown, I am thinking that it is time to zero in on the art of living a life of Positivity, Gratitude, and the finding of a “New” and acceptable way of life.
The path of living a life of Positivity is strewn with all kinds of suggestions of what to do to be more successful at designing our lives. We are told, “It is important to make and accept changes, It is important to look at the choices we have made and to make new choices, We can re-wire our thinking, We can re-invent who we are, It is important to know where you are going and know what you want, and the big one, Think Positive.”
These past 12 months have been a struggle for many, a struggle that has somewhat numbed us to the positive thinking arena and I am hoping that the information I am sharing here will “Prime the Pump” of thinking and living a life of Positivity in this world of uncertainty and help us all in going forward in our quest to be the best version of ourselves we can be.
I have read “Positive Thinking” Books all of my adult life and the one thing I found lacking in most of them was the “How To” of making changes in our way of thinking and acting. They told us What to Do but not How to Do it.
Many of these books talked about countering negative self-talk and negative self-actions with positive self-talk and positive self-actions. However, while that is what I needed to do, I found it difficult to know how to re-word my negative self-talk with positive well worded self-talk and positive self-actions. I would get to the end of the book and feel like “OK, now what do I say or do to make this work and reverse the negative self-talk and actions?” I felt that if I already knew how to do all this, I wouldn’t have needed to read those books!!! I needed their teachings but I also needed help in knowing how to execute what they were teaching.
I think it would be helpful to actually be shown the tools necessary to learn the how of making these monumental life decisions.
Now, please do not misunderstand, every book I have read in this Positive Thinking genre has been a help, and the majority of these books are excellent in providing that which they are wanting to teach. However, in my humble opinion, the latest books do a much better job of giving the “How To” of practicing Positive Self Talk.
In the next few months, I am going to provide as many of the recommendations on “How To” make positive changes in our lives from the Positive Thinking, and Positive Action-taking Gurus as I can find. I will help provide Positive words from every letter of the alphabet along with many simple, self-empowering worded, Mantras to help get us on track until you can find your own chosen words and design your own Mantras that will work for you in your world.
After all, this is why I became a Professional Life Coach and Motivational Life Strategist over 40 years ago, to find all the ways we can “Prime” our proverbial “Positive Thinking” pumps with the wording needed to do so.
Try these daily affirmations, from personal development coach Courtney Wright :
Monday Affirmation
I am productive and successful
Super Tunes Tuesday
I am stronger than yesterday, Now its nothing but my way.
By Britney Spears
Read the rest at https://medium.com/swlh/7-affirmations-to-make-this-week-the-best-week-ever-3ac5963f188d
___________________________________________________________________
Positive Thinking does not make problems or negative events go away. Thinking Positive helps us deal with the negative side of life in such a way that allows us to keep surviving the struggles life throws at us. Positive Thinking only works if, and when, action is also taken.
Next time, we’ll talk about MANTRAS!
Have a terrific time with these and make it fun.
Hugs
