Greetings, my Friends
Several years ago, I wrote a newspaper column called “Ask Mom.”
It was called Ask Mom because everyone at work called me Mom, no matter who they were or how old they were.
I have thought of reprising my column and calling it “Ask Carolyn.”
However, many have said they prefer “Ask Mom,” because when they have a problem they need to solve, they call me, text me or email me for help and it feels like they are talking to their mom.
Therefore, while I am trying to decide about the name of my new column, I am going to share a few of my original “Ask Mom” columns.
This way you will get the gist of why I sound more like a Mom than an Advice Columnist. In the letter below, I heard from a young man who was displeased with a habit that his wife had. Read on to find out exactly what the problem was, and how I responded.
Dear Mom,
I have been married for a couple of years and find that there are some things that my wife does that really bugs me. Our washer and dryer are in our garage. One of the big things we argue about is that when she brings the clean clothes in from the clothes dryer she leaves the clothes crumpled on a chair at the bottom of our stairway that goes to our bedrooms. How do I get her to stop doing that without getting into a big fight, which we seem to do every time I mention that she needs to do something a different way than the way she is doing it?
She keeps the house up most of the time but this chair thing is really getting on my nerves. Even when I mention the clothes she just says she knows they are there and goes on with what she is doing instead of taking them upstairs and putting them away.
Mom, Aka Carolyn:
Whoa, pull up your high horse and dismount, son!
This sounds a lot like the old “your job, my job” attitude.
I thought we finally started to let go of such belief systems in the ’90s and started behaving in a more companionship/friendship relationship with our mates. Each of us taking equal responsibilities and not hesitating to help the other if one gets overwhelmed or overtired.
Since this has become a predominately two-income family society, it is more important than ever to share the home chores and responsibilities. The pile of clothes in that chair is obviously bothering you a whole more than it is bothering your wife.
What is stopping you from asking her what she wants done with those clothes and how you can help her clear that chair?
Everyone works differently, and we need to respect each other’s style and priorities. You may be the type of person who works systematically, is very organized, and likes to have a place for everything and everything in its place, while your wife may do things in a more casual way and her list of priorities may be nowhere near your list of priorities.
Now, having said all this let me add that if it is your wife’s personality to clutter and never put things away until they get totally out of hand, it is safe to suggest that this scenario becomes a communication issue, darn, there’s that word communication again, funny how that seems to be the basis for so many things.
It is time to have a sit-down conversation about how you can be more helpful and to find out what is important to her and let her know what is important to you.
And I mean a conversation, not an accusation session.
She may prefer to mow the lawn, wash the cars or take the cars for service rather than do the housework. No one really said that only women could do the housework. In fact, I have a friend whose husband is a much better cook and housekeeper and actually enjoys these tasks. She has no problem letting him take those tasks on while she mows and takes care of the lawn, shopping, and bookkeeping, which she enjoys.
My point is that they have found out what each other likes and dislikes doing and agreed on a very workable solution. Again, housework, yard work, cooking, and shopping are really not specific to one partner over the other.
So young man, I highly suggest you relieve your own stress level and put those clothes away yourself and then be proud that you became part of a solution to what you perceive to be a problem and, more importantly, you have then helped your wife instead of criticizing her.
A marriage/relationship is 100/100 not 50/50.
Hugs Mom
So what do you think? Did this resonate with you and make you think about the differences in how each of us does things around our homes and how difficult it is to communicate with each other if a habit is already part of our routines?
I often have couples write out all the chores, responsibilities, and things that absolutely have to get done to run a home, and that works for everyone living in said home.
Then I ask them to put their initials beside the things each is responsible for or does because they either have time to do it or are expected to do it.
Then we look at the balance and discuss which things on the list each one prefers to do and which ones each one absolutely dislikes to do.
For the things that are on the “dislike” list, we come to an agreement that it is easier to take turns doing them than one person stuck with that chore or responsibility all the time.
In my era, we had distinct responsibilities assigned, once we said “I Do,” and I can say “Thank Goodness that is changing with these last couple of generations.”
Whether you are married, in a personal or workplace relationship, or in friendship, I have found it is so much better if we determine who does what in sharing responsibilities for any and all tasks that the relationship expects. It makes it a whole lot easier, more fun, and organized when we can do what we like to do and share that which we do not like to do. Any way we cut it, someone has to clean the toilet!
What do you think? Leave a comment or visit me on Facebook!
Much Love to you and Big Hugs
Carolyn
PS: You might find the links below an interesting read.
9 Ways to Split Household Chores With Your Spouse