by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
“The Art of Gift Giving is the Art of Paying Attention and Asking Questions”
Greetings, my Friends,
It is that time of year and because things have lightened up a bit from 2020, getting together with loved ones and friends in person is now possible.
Now instead of ordering from a mail order company and having your gift delivered or just sending a gift card for ease of all involved, since you can even send a gift card through email, you may be bringing gifts with you when you visit.
Therefore, I ask, is gift giving a joy, a fun adventure or a stressful part of the holidays for you?
We were watching a Hallmark Christmas movie the other evening and in the movie the lead actress was visiting a family for Christmas that she did not know well. Since she would be staying from a few days before Christmas to the day after Christmas, she needed to have gifts for them on Christmas morning.
Making a long story short, her man of interest in the movie, noted to another person in the movie that this young woman paid attention to what each family member was interested in and got them a gift that fit those interests, such as sports tickets, movie tickets, a cooking appliance and so on.
This brought me straight into my subject.
When you are ready to start your Christmas shopping, how do you decide what gift to buy for who?
Are you a “Practical” giver?
Are you a “Fun or nonsensical” giver?
Are you a “Magical Experience” giver?
Are you a “Surprise” giver?
Are you an “Observant” giver
Are you an “I will give what I think would be a really great thing to have? giver?
Are you a “Give me a list that I can choose from,” giver?
Are you a “regifter”?
Are you a “Let’s spend a day together and play,” giver?
Or, do you just make it easy and buy gift cards?
When I made the decision to sell my home and move to another state, I also downsized completely. I gave away, donated and took things to the dump that broke my heart. However, these were used things and I would not have room for them where I was going, nor did I want to pay shipping on them.
I found myself saying to my loved ones and friends, “Please just spend time with me instead of buying stuff and things I may have to give away.”
I have jokingly said, “If I can’t eat it, wear it, or drink it, please put it back, take a photo and text me the photo.” In my heart, I truly mean it.
This is not rude. It saves us both, saves the giver money and saves me from guilt for having to give it away because I have no room for it.
Because of the intensity of having to “let go” of all of my “stuff and things,” I have given gift giving a completely different thought process. Even cards. I had to discard bags of cards I had saved through the years. If a card had a sentimental writing in it, I took a photo and put the photo into a file on my computer marked Memory Cards.
I have received more gifts than I can count that truly did not have me, personally in mind, who I was or what I wanted and I had to find a place to set them, hang them or display them somehow. However, I would graciously accept them, thanking the gift giver profusely for their thoughtfulness and kindness.
Gift cards became the saving grace for me, both receiving and giving. Still, I missed the personal side of giving and receiving a gift.
As my granddaughters are now older teens and adults, I ask for a list of things they like, sizes, colors and especially which stores are their favorite should I purchase a gift card.
I no longer choose something I think would be cute on them or would be fun to have. I want to gift them with something they actually have a place and space for. The same goes for my adult children.
As always, I did a bit of research on this subject and found there are many who ask the same questions;
How do I ask someone for a Christmas list?
- Don’t ask for a list… you make a list of what you need to know; then once a month ask them about one thing from your list in casual conversation and write it down.
What can I purchase for someone who has everything?
- Gift card to their favorite restaurant, a Gift card to their favorite bookstore, including Amazon, a gift card for their favorite bakery, if they imbibe, a gift card to a speciality wine or spirits store, and best of all, take them to dinner. Or treat them to an experience!
Why isn’t it ok to ask for a Christmas list?
- It is! It is something many a giver is uncomfortable doing, and the receiver is uncomfortable giving, as they don’t know how expensive they should go. So making a list of “things to know” about someone and asking them throughout the year is easier and less overwhelming than asking them for a list. After all, we even ask our kids to make a list. I can attest to the fact that it was so much easier when we received those huge Christmas catalogs and everyone went through them marking their favorite things.
If someone has asked for a non-gift Christmas, should I really comply?
- Yes! If you just have to purchase a gift for them, then ask what their favorite charity is and donate to the charity, giving your family member or friend a card saying that you donated to their favorite charity in their name.
Another somewhat complicated gift is sending a floral arrangement for Christmas. It is important to ask if you can send an arrangement for their Christmas table or buffet table, and especially ask what their holiday theme is going to be.
It is better to ask in case they already have an arrangement planned, or may not have room for a table arrangement or a high circular arrangement. It is easy to say, “I would like to send you a floral arrangement for Christmas. Would you like a vase arrangement or table arrangement, and are you using traditional holiday colors or have a speciality theme this year?”
When finances are restricted or someone is on a fixed income, it can put a strain on them to feel like they have to buy a gift. Have this conversation way before you hand them a gift you think they should have.
They may not be able to afford extra gift giving at this time and it will only make them feel bad. There have been times when a family member or friend will gift a very expensive gift and the receiver was just not financially able to reciprocate in kind.
Even when the receiver is told to not worry about it, that it isn’t the price of the gift, it does not ease the receiver’s embarrassment of not having the money to reciprocate.
Sometimes the best gift you can give someone on a fixed income is to take them out to dinner and spend some time with them. A gift card to their favorite grocery store or a gas card is also appreciated.
Gift giving is wonderful, meaningful and fun if it does not cause stress for the giver or receiver.
Ask yourself why you are giving someone a gift. If it is expected, that’s a whole other conversation. If it is to make you feel good, that’s ok; just make sure the receiver also feels good about receiving your gift. If it is to make the receiver feel good, then make sure it will.
When gift giving is a measurement of how much you care or love another, this raises a whole other emotional balance and conversation and may very well cause conflict and competition that is not good for anyone involved.
One way to find out what everyone in your household wants or hopes to receive at Christmas is to make a “Christmas Gift Board” or make a “Gift Giving board” that will work all year round.
Take a bulletin board and divide it into however many are on your list that you need gifts for and ask everyone to either pin pictures or notes of what they would like for a gift. This will also help other gift givers in the family.
Advice on Gift-Giving from My Son, Matt
I was talking about this blog with my son and asked him how he knows what to buy for gifts. The quote at the top of this blog is what he shared with me as part of how he feels and is good advice about gift giving.
He has some really good ideas and shared a few of which I have, with his permission, shared below.
- Carry a note in your wallet with sizes, style, colors, likes, hobbies and types of foods your loved ones like.
- Is giving your gift as a surprise the goal? Is the surprise actually that you purchased something they have talked about throughout the year? A surprise gift should be because you paid attention all year. If surprising someone with a gift is the goal, then you need to do some work.
- Best to ask the person you want to surprise if they like surprises, and what kind of surprises. Would they like a surprise vacation?
- Maybe the person receiving this kind of surprise would want ample warning so they can get in better shape, be able to walk better, or maybe they don’t have enough vacation time from work, or have the clothes to wear, or have any one who can house sit or dog or cat sit. All are stressors.
- Asking a question a month no one will notice but 12 questions in November or December? They will know you are digging for ideas!
- Take notes, have a notebook that is easy to carry, use the Notes App on your phone, use a Recording App on your phone, jot notes on a calendar.
- This method works well for paying attention to anyone you may want to purchase a gift for, including clients/customers… when you leave a client’s office make a note of things of interest to bring up at your next meeting or conversation or to purchase a thank-you/birthday/Christmas gift.
- One thing to be aware of, is a person showing interest and talking about subjects that are of interest to you. Make sure they are really interested in the actual subject and not just showing support for you.
- Please don’t wait until close to December to ask questions.
- The art of giving begins in January
- One way gift cards can be the best choice, is if the person you want to give a gift to, is interested in a hobby that you cannot purchase anything for because they have a hobby that requires them to have a registered account and you cannot get into the account. This is where a generic Visa gift card will come in handy.
- While some may prefer to use a notebook for gift giving ideas, I have Christmas 2021 in my iPhone Notes and in December I will add Christmas 2022 and begin making notes every month until I’m ready to shop.
What do many people really prefer for a gift? Your time. Time for a conversation, time for a dinner out with you. Time for us to go to the beach and wave walk. Time to talk memories and time to talk about future dreams.
I hope this gift giving conversation helps those who want to simplify their gift giving. I invite you to become a savvy gift giver and that every gift you give just blows away the receiver.
Make this year one of the Merriest and Happiest of Holidays,
Hugs
by Carolyn | Carolyn's Corner
Dear Friends,
Throughout the years, I have had many discussions of how a family member can let it be known to their parents that they want to host Thanksgiving dinner at their own home.
Many parents may be ready to let go of making the whole Thanksgiving dinner and be thrilled to come to our adult children’s homes.
Some parents don’t know how to tell their daughters/daughters-in-law that it is time for them to take over the big dinners.
Our adult children seem to count on us to bring back childhood memories by continuing the Thanksgiving traditions they grew up with.
In all honesty, for many of us, it is nice to have someone else take over so we grandparents can finally visit and enjoy our grandchildren and other guests.
We can bring a favorite dish or two while the one hosting makes the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, and any favorite dish or new dish they have wanted to try.
Having leftovers is also a big thing for those attending a dinner at someone else’s home.
Because my husband had to have his leftovers and turkey sandwiches for a few days after the main meal, I just made a small turkey and the fixings at home.
I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner for over 70 years, and I am good with handing it over to someone else.
When a friend of ours decided it wasn’t enough to have Thanksgiving only in November, she started a tradition of Thanksgiving in July, sort of like the Christmas in July businesses and some non-profits have started doing.
Our friend made the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, and one or two of her family favorites, and the rest of us brought one or two of our favorite dishes.
The most important part of wanting to make new traditions, transitions, and changes is, of course, open communication.
Plus, we are not letting go of all the things we love about our dinner; we will be able to make our beloved dishes and bring them to share.
If your parent is having an emotional time letting go of the tradition of them making and having the dinner, I highly suggest all involved have a gentle sit down and find out the exact reason the parent still wants to do all that work.
One of the biggest reasons I hear is if the parents don’t have dinner at their home, they will hardly ever see their kids and grandkids all together.
Another top reason is that it is expected for the parents to have the holiday dinners.
With the way our 2020 Thanksgiving went, not having gatherings, this is the best time to change things up.
Everyone had to bend to the “lockdown, stay in place” orders. So now we have had at least one Thanksgiving without the traditions we are used to.
We may have missed that big dinner gathering; however, many found that they did not miss all the work.
As for me, I can celebrate Thanksgiving at any time and any day of the year. The same is true for Christmas. Because of how my life has been from birth to now, nothing is set in stone for me.
I personally do not have to have everything exactly on the day designated by the calendar, religious teachings, society, or the days that family and friends have decided the best time.
I can celebrate at times other than the designated day and, on the designated day, have my own recognition of what the holiday means.
I have learned to be flexible and go with the flow. I do not see the benefit of keeping myself and the holidays specific to days on the calendar as it is too easy to miss out on celebrations that can be held at any time.
I have to say that the Thanksgiving in July was excellent and helped to make Thanksgiving held in November not so complicated and intense about everyone having to get together no matter what.
However, several friends have had to go through “holiday hell,” trying to balance both sides of their families. Many of them could not even combine the social gathering because of difficulties between their parents and in-laws.
I swore that when I got married, I would address this right away. I did not want us to get into this emotional tug-o-war. This was helped by the fact we moved to Alaska four years after we married. We were too far away from our families for any issues to take place!
I know of a few families who take turns with their parents and in-laws, and it works because everyone knows when they will be with which parents, and everyone can make plans accordingly.
The very best remedy is for the adult daughter or adult son to host both sets of parents—that way, the adult children do not have to be the ones always to balance their visit.
When adult children live in the same town as their parents and in-laws, they may find it helps to split their Thanksgiving Day and go to both parents’ homes, hopefully reducing the stress of keeping everything in balance.
Some families have, however, mastered the art of having a Thanksgiving meal at noon and another one for dinner. A few others have dinner with one set of parents and dessert at the other parents.
Then, some just decided everyone was going to a Thanksgiving buffet, and no one had to do any of the work, and no one had to sit with anyone they did not want to sit with.
No one enjoys a tug-o-war kind of visit, and when the adult children leave, they are already dreading next year’s dinner. Someone needs to either speak up or get a coach or counselor to help them solve this pressure.
It is important to remember that times have seriously changed. All those memories up to March 2020 can be considered a finished life book and new memories made to accommodate who we are now and how we need to proceed to have harmonious holidays.
For me, every day is a day to be thankful. And Thanksgiving in November is a bonus.
I wish for all to have a very grateful and thankful Thanksgiving.
Perhaps the links below will help:
In-Laws Can put Families to the test at Holiday Time
How to tactfully take over the family Thanksgiving meal without ruining a tradition-filled holiday
Hugs, Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
With Thanksgiving and the holiday season approaching, we want to take special care to attend to grief and those that are grieving. For some, this will be the first holiday without a loved one. For others, it may not be a recent loss, but the reminders that a loved one is missing from the table becomes especially apparent when the family is gathered to celebrate. Be gentle with yourself, and to each other this Thanksgiving, and remember: COMMUNICATE!
Dear Carolyn,
With Thanksgiving coming up, how do we get through our family gathering and dinner after losing a Loved One just a couple of months ago?
Sincerely,
Grieving at The Thanksgiving Table
Dear Grieving,
This is a question that comes up every year at this time. It is tough to answer because of all of the different emotions, beliefs, and traditions involved.
It is important to recognize that everyone who loses a loved one has their own ways of experiencing their grief. No two people grieve the same.
I think the most important element in answering this inquiry is communication!
We certainly want everyone to be comfortable at our dinners, and it is important that no one feels like they need to walk on eggshells around another guest.
Communication with the ones who have lost their loved one and communication with those attending the dinner, where someone who is grieving will also be attending, is crucial for your dinner to be comfortable for everyone.
I have chosen a website below that has given several excellent suggestions to consider. However, allow me to ask a few questions of my own.
Are you the one grieving a loss? What are your feelings, beliefs, and preferences about remembering a deceased loved one at holiday celebrations?
When you are having the holiday dinner at your home, because it is your family tradition, and you are the one in grief, have you let those who will be your guests know what will and will not make you comfortable?
If you are having the holiday dinners at your home and have a grieving family member or friend attending, have you asked the grieving person how they would be comfortable remembering their loved one?
What has been done in the past at your family holiday dinners to recognize loved ones who have passed on?
Are you comfortable talking about your loved one, or are your emotions still too close to the surface? It is important to communicate this to the hostess and host. If you are hosting the gathering, tell a few key people who can help others know you are still unable to talk about your loss.
Emotions may still be too close to the surface and talking to your family or friends about what you would like to do or what you would like to have done to remember your loved one is too difficult and would bring on a veritable waterfall of tears, then talk to someone who is ok with those tears.
They can help you articulate your wishes and then allow them to let the hostess or host know so they can prepare their guests.
There are so many ways to let others know how we are doing and where we are in our state of grieving. Those grieving must keep the communication channels open, especially for those who haven’t a clue what to say or ask.
Remember that while grief is forever, as time goes by, we will have more times in control than at other times. You can also send your preferences in an email, text, or note card.
The important thing here is to not put others in an awkward position of not knowing how to relate to a grieving host/hostess or guest.
When you are the one who lost a spouse, child, parent, grandparent, or any close family member or friend, it is ok to let those attending your gathering know that you will have moments where your emotions may get the best of you.
This will also relieve those in attendance from walking on eggshells, trying not to do or say anything that could upset you. Let them know that you will regain your emotions and get through.
Many have asked what I did for our family’s first Thanksgiving after my husband passed away. Since I was still going to host the dinner as always, I told everyone that each person had a say concerning our Thanksgiving dinner and how they would like to honor my husband/their Dad/their Papa.
We agreed to have our traditional Thanksgiving dinner. We were not ready to make any big changes. We made all our favorite dishes, including my husband’s favorite dressing.
Our traditional art/card for being grateful was also included, and we each wrote that we were grateful for his life and the time he had with us and that we missed him. And yes, there were tears, but we knew they would come, so we were ok with them falling as needed.
We moved before the second set of holidays came and decided that if we were going to be in a completely different place and home, we would also change up our thanksgiving celebration. We left Alaska and moved to New Hampshire. Making new fall experiences was much easier with all that the New England states offer.
I still make my husband’s favorite dressing for our Thanksgiving dinner requested by my adult children and granddaughters. I will probably continue to make it until I accept my wings and make my way up to the great universe. And at that time, I will expect the traditions will make another change, as they should.
Here’s a round-up of posts from What’s Your Grief (an excellent resource for those grieving) for helping yourself, family, extended family, and friends who are grieving to be more comfortable during the holiday dinners.
16 Ideas for Creating New Holiday Tradition After a Death
New Perspective on Old Traditions: Grief and the Holidays
Remembering Loved Ones During the Holidays: 19 Practical Suggestions
Surviving Thanksgiving: 6 Tips for Grievers
Wishing you a health, safe and joyous holiday,
Carolyn
Have a question or dilemma for a future Ask Carolyn column? Submit it HERE!
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or mental health professional, and this is not professional advice. I speak only from my life experience and training as a coach.
by Carolyn | Magic
Greetings my Friends,
‘Tis the season to find your magic!
Here we are, well into the month of October which is often thought of as the month of colorful leaves, cool crisp air, apple pie, pumpkin pie, and Halloween.
We also tend to think of magic— witches with broomsticks, the conjuring up of a witch’s brew for the making of magical potions, and casting spells, haunted houses, ghosts, and creatures of the night.
Hmmm, would casting spells and making magic potions be what is meant when someone says, “Work your magic,” or “She/He has their own Brand of Magic?”
I am thinking not! Therefore, let’s start with the definitions of “Our own brand of Magic,” or “Working our Magic.”
“Working our magic” means that we are performing a task better than anyone else at that moment. We are excelling and bringing about a very desired outcome by using our natural and learned talents. We are using our personnel and unique abilities to excel at a task.
Knowing one’s personal brand of magic is knowing oneself, one’s talents, one’s passions, and one’s abilities in accomplishing tasks and easily handling events within our private and professional lives.
Many of us have probably heard someone say, “They worked their magic, and just like that we got into the show!” or “They worked their magic and bingo, we are done and out of here!” or as I have said, “we need (so and so) to work their magic so we can be done with this project!”
This “brand of magic,” reference is generally used when we need to bring someone into our fold to accomplish something the rest of us either cannot do or everyone thinks cannot be done.
There are so many ways to say that we have our own brand of magic. Especially when we are needed in accomplishing a task no one else seems to be able to do or at the very least can do well.
Society has many terms for this personal magic such as:
In my wheelhouse,
Up my alley,
Bailiwick,
It’s my special talent, or
It just comes natural to me.
Today my oldest Granddaughter and I were talking about technology and social media. She was trying to explain to me how to better use Instagram to which I responded, “geez, I am really going to need help with this. While it seems to be in your wheelhouse, it is definitely not in my wheelhouse.” Meaning, of course, that it is far out of my expertise, and knowledge for that matter.
(Oh, and by the way, the term “wheelhouse” was originated in baseball— being in one’s wheelhouse meant that a pitch was within the zone for a batter to hit a home run.)
When we hear someone say, “that isn’t in their wheelhouse” it means it is out of their expertise or if they say “let me have a go, it’s in my wheelhouse,” it means it is in their line of expertise or knowledge.
Finding your own brand of magic is a personal journey, one that is quite fun to embark on if you don’t already know what your magic is or you feel you have added to your magical abilities.
Knowing your own field of magic does not always mean that things you are good at becomes your own brand of magic.
While I was very good at accounting, even though I attended college to enhance my accounting knowledge and performance, accounting was a major stress factor for me.
Selling, as long as I believed in what I was selling, appeared to come easy for me but, again, selling was NOT something I wanted to do forever.
Everything I did and was pretty good at did not seem like magic to me. I was trying to find my “Magic Brand” niche in things I was able to do fairly well but did not enjoy.
In my head, heart, and soul I kept going back to wanting to work in Psychology. Finally, I was able to do so and found that it came easy to me and I felt I was in my wheelhouse with my own brand of magic, helping others be successful in setting their intentions, goals, and visions for their lives.
My point is that it is very important to know yourself and to know what comes either easily, effortlessly, or at least with little struggle to you. Look for the talents and abilities that make you feel you have found your brand of magic.
Find your magic doesn’t always come easy. It pays to take the time to ask yourself some of the following questions.
* What do you most love to do?
* What do you do in your spare time?
* What abilities, talents and knowledge do you think lands within your “Brand of Magic?”
* What talents and abilities do you consider in your wheelhouse?
*What are your natural talents and abilities?
*What abilities and talents come naturally to you?
*If money was not an object of concern what would you be doing?
*List 5 abilities and or talents that you would list under “ My Brand of Magic”
*List 3 times that you were called in to solve some sort of issue either personally or professionally that it seemed only you could solve.
*Make a list of abilities and talents you know that others count on you to provide.
Be clear here, I am not asking what you are good at, I am asking what you are known for or love to do that can be considered your “Brand of Magic.”
I wish for you to find your magic and have a very Magical life doing what you know brings magic to others.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Note: I worked within the military system for over 20 years. I have family members who have served. My husband and our son have served this fine country of ours, and because of this, we have had every military branch represented. I have always lived near a military base, and I have visited with many young enlisted service members, or a young enlisted service member and their spouse who are trying to find their way in their new life together. Below is a question emailed to me by a young enlisted service member and my response. I now have a granddaughter in college and this question could definitely fit a college student as well.
Q: I’ve been in the military for about a year and a half now. Every time I call home, I feel like I’m still a kid living at home again. My parents ask so many questions, where I go, who I hang out with and what I am going to do over the weekend. I don’t mind telling them what I can about my work, but I shouldn’t have to explain my whole life and everything I am doing. I send selfies and text pretty often and I think that should be sufficient. I love my family and miss them, but I’m getting to the point where I dread calling them. How can I tell them I’m not a kid anymore and they don’t need to keep track of everything I do?
A: Whoa there! Boy, does this one bring a memory or two. There are several issues going on here. There is no doubt that every relationship, between parents and offspring is unique. However, I have talked to enough people on both sides of this fence to know that there are many similarities in this communication game.
Bear with me while I relate a little of the parent’s side as I have experienced it.
For at least 18 years, we, as parents, have worried about you, your safety, your education, and future. When you were old enough to go out with your friends, we asked you to check in at least every hour or two and we stayed up or at least awake until we heard you return home safely. All too quickly, you turned 18, enlisted in the military or headed off to college and were “suddenly” gone.
You were on your way to a new life adventure, excited and maybe a little fearful as well. As you boarded the plane or drove off, we, the parents, felt uneasy and a good deal lonely as we walked away from the gate or walked back into our now empty home.
Even if you have brothers and sisters, each is unique to the family unit, and it is hard to let go of any one of you.
My son and I had a conversation about this very subject. When he entered the military, every time he called I asked a lot of questions and yes, some of it was out of the need to check on him to be sure that he was all right, safe and ease my mind. (In the “Mom’s Handbook” this is one rule we get to use.)
However, my questions were intended to keep up with who this young man was becoming in his adult life. Conversations takes two, and without him sharing his new world with us, such as his new friends, new places he was seeing, what his job was like and some events that happened in his world, I could only tell him, what seemed to us, the never changing and “nothing new” family news. Without him sharing his world, we really had limited things to talk about and hold an interesting conversation.
Keep in mind that once a child leaves home for the military, college, or a new job, they change rapidly. Now I want to interject here that this is the way life is supposed to be, but it does not make it any easier to accept.
You are the one living, doing, and having new experiences. You are the one changing who you are and who you are becoming. You are making friends we know nothing about. All of a sudden, a parent realizes that they no longer know their own child or know how their life is going.
I am not saying anyone needs to “report” to their parents a minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day calendar of activities or a list of their new contacts once they have left home and are living on their own. However, in today’s world giving your parents some semblance of your, “Who, What, When, Where and Hows,” once in a while is as much for your safety as it is for their peace of mind. You do not need to “tell all”; just give some insight into your new world.
At some point, as our children grow up and become of age, the relationship between an adult child and their parents becomes much more of a friendship role. Adult children come to realize that we will always be the parents when needed, but we can now also be your trusted friend who will always have your back.
The real issue here is just plain and simple learning the art of communication whether it is with your parents, family members or friends.
Allow me to ask, if you ever needed help, would your parents know where they needed to go to find you, would they know who to contact in your circle of friends/acquaintances, would they know of any jobs you have taken on, would they know of any trips you could have embarked on? You see where I am going with this. It is always important to think of the areas about your life that you should share with your parents for your protection.
Now having said all this, it is vital that you and your parents have a conversation (yes, here is that communication thing again!) about what each of you expect from the other when you call.
Often parents do not realize that by asking too many questions they come off sounding nosey rather than excited about all you are experiencing and that they are simply interested in all the changes happening in your new world and life.
It is important for parents and adult children to discuss and have boundaries as each other’s worlds change. Your parents are learning how to maneuver in this new chapter of both of your lives as much as you are.
As I look back now, I realize that when my son called I was so excited and wanted to hear all about the things he was doing that I probably did sound like I was giving him the third degree and being way too nosey. The reality was, I wanted to know who he was becoming, what all he was getting to experience that differed from our experiences.
Just know that you are not alone in this life dilemma. Most who leave home will go through this, some more than others. However, parents who love you will always want to know how your life is going.
And parents, there are rules to this new game of letting go and with the awesome invention of cell phones you will get whole lot more photos and information than I did when my son left for the Marine Corps and you must realize that your adult child will share what they feel is important for you to know not what you think you need to know.
I did, as I always do, a lot of research on this subject and found, as usual many links to how parents and adult children can have better communication.
Below is one such link I particularly liked and could get on board with:
Ways to Keep Phone Calls Going With Grown Kids
by Linda Bernstein
https://www.nextavenue.org/ways-keep-phone-calls-going-grown-kids/
Hugs, Carolyn
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or mental health professional, and this is not professional advice. I speak only from my life experience and training as a coach.
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings, Friends
Throughout my life, like so many of you, I have had dreams, goals, and held onto the perceptions of what I thought my life, career, and successes would be. I have always been a “Why Not,” “Take that Leap of Faith,” “Believe you can do it until proven otherwise,” “If it doesn’t work try another way,” kinda gal.
My family could not send nor help send me to go to college and although I wanted to be a psychologist, I was fortunate enough to earn a scholarship to the cosmetology college in our town. Given this opportunity, hairstyling became my chosen career. While in cosmetology college, a colleague and I decided to become hairstylists on a cruise ship. We applied and were accepted to begin work as soon as we passed our state boards. As chance would have it, just before we graduated she met a guy who became her steady, and he did not want her to go abroad and did not support her goal, so I was left to decide if I should go forward as planned or change directions.
I had become very good at doing makeovers, makeup for entertainers, and local plays. One of my instructors suggested that instead of going to work on a cruise ship, I pursue further training as a Hollywood makeup, creative makeup, and special effects makeup artist, and being a trained hairstylist I could support myself doing hair while learning the art of theater/movie makeup. “Wow, “ said I with great excitement. I had never thought of such a fun twist to what I loved to do. I booked my trip and signed up with the Max Factor School of Makeup, ready to live “the” dream.
I graduated from cosmetology college, took my state boards, and worked for a year and a half to earn the money needed to pay for my trip and down payment for attending training in Hollywood.
Six months before I was to leave for Hollywood, I met a man who, a year and a half later, became my husband. And like my colleague’s mate, he did not support my goal to become a special effects makeup artist and live in Hollywood, so I stayed and worked as a hairstylist in my hometown. I purchased my own hair salon and ran it until my husband received an opportunity to take a morning radio show position in Alaska.
Can you see that in both my story and my colleague’s story, our relationships dictated the path we ended up taking in our careers? This is not unusual. Many have veered off a path they thought they wanted to travel to a path that included a life partner. We have read many times how a Hollywood actress or actor gave up their careers to support their spouse’s careers.
And that is what I ended up doing. My husband and I were born on the cusp of “the olden days,” and even though I was seven years younger than he, we lived more in the “olden days” philosophies than any “new way of thinking and doing.” Therefore, my work was to bring in a second income while still being able to take care of the “duties” of a wife, mother, and homemaker, and even though I had many fabulous opportunities to enter into a public career, I was to keep my status as having a job, not a CAREER, hence allowing me to fully support my husband’s career.
What If?
My path in my life has brought me many times to ask, Would I have had a better chance of obtaining some, just some, of my goals and dreams if “Life Coaching” had been a thing back then? What if I could have consulted with a Life Coach or Mentor, someone who was not emotionally involved in my life, someone who would be a neutral sounding board, someone who I could speak my truths, dreams, goals, and hopes to and to show me a possible plan of action that would be a “win-win?”
For many years, the term “Coach” generally pertained to Sports. Life Coaching became a “thing” in the 1980s. Which is quite a ways past the time I needed a coach for my relationship and career choices.
To this day, there is absolutely no doubt that if Life Coaching, Career Coaching, Business Coaching, and Relationship Coaching had been a “thing” from early on in my life, I would have accomplished many more of the goals, dreams, wishes, and hopes that are long gone now. I did, and not easily, achieve a college degree in psychology at the age of 62.
There is absolutely no doubt that if my husband and I had hired a business coach, that a couple of the businesses we started would have been very successful and lucrative. Interestingly enough, when my husband, who was a public speaker and a radio announcer, wanted to expand his speaking arena, we hired a vocal coach, never once thinking of hiring a business coach. Instead, we just winged our way through trying to start and run a business.
Please don’t reply with the old adage of “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE”…Trust me when I say there are very specific things that it is too late to accomplish after a certain age, or at the very least be very good at doing!
It is said by many very successful, well-known, and very wealthy individuals that, “everyone needs a life coach including the life coach themselves.”
When life coaching became so publicly advertised, (Tony Robbins is definitely a forerunner in this and has done a good job of bringing life and business coaching to the forefront), I realized how much I would have benefited from having a life and business coach, and because of this realization, I became a Certified Professional and NLP Coach (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) to help others.
As I look back, I see that there were so many times, that having a “non-emotionally involved individual,” who had no preconceived ideas of who I was or should be, or had no fear that if I took on a particular position, it would change their comfort zone, as a sounding board, I could have accomplished a few of the visions of who I felt I could be.
If I could accomplish anything, I would like to take the stigma out of needing help/coaching to be successful. People have sought out mentors for centuries without hesitation.
The real question is…. Do you need to hire a life coach, or as some like to be called, a Life Strategist Coach, a Business Coach, or a Relationship Coach? If you don’t feel you can afford to invest much money in yourself or your business yet, then find a trusted family member or friend with whom you are ok being vulnerable, and would be willing to mentor you. It is often difficult to talk to a family member or friend because they have a perceptional vision of who they think you are and what you should be doing. Whereas a Certified Professional Coach or Mentor is coming to the table with no preconceived ideas of who they think you are and will always be a neutral sounding board for your thoughts, ideas, goals, and dreams.
What is the difference between a Life Coach and a Mentor?
A Life Coach is an advisor who helps people make decisions, set and reach goals, or deal with problems.
Many Life Coaches or Life Strategists help us to know ourselves better, what our values are, what direction we want for our home life, relationships, career, health and wellness, financial, spiritual, and how to set goals and reach those goals to include helping our planning for checking those long time wishes on our Bucket Lists.
Life/Strategists Coaches are a safe sounding board and confidante for all of a person’s dreams, hopes and can help lessen or quiet all of those ideas that are running around in our heads by getting them all out on paper and being able to actually “see” what the heck is on our minds.
A mentor is a trusted counselor or guide.
Most mentors are or have been role models who are helping or have already helped and guided a person within a particular career or the Mentor has maneuvered a few of life’s toughest experiences successfully. When we go to a mentor we want to know how they dealt with a particular situation, or how they did something that we are trying to do.
There is always fresh growth and changes in the field of Certified Professional Life Coaching. Good coaches gain new tools of their trade to bring in more options to help in the clarifications of what their clients want to accomplish.
Most Life Coaches, Life Strategists, Business Coaches, Relationship Coaches, and Career Coaches offer a consultation for free. This assures you and the coach is a good fit for designing your route to the successes you know you deserve.
Below I have listed a few links about Life Coaching that I hope will help you at least think about whether outside help and perspectives could push forward a few of your goals and dreams.
Any questions, I am happy to answer as best I can. Leave a comment below, or send me a message on Facebook!
From Chopra.com, https://chopra.com/articles/4-benefits-of-having-a-life-coach
From Entrepreneur.com, https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/345985
Huffington Post, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-find-a-life-coach_b_11992070
Don’t hesitate to check out the credentials of the coach you want to work with. Ask them what their qualifications are and if they are certified?
Those who have taken their certification will have tools that will help the process of building the path you want to take.
Hugs and Blessings
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Greetings, my Friends
Several years ago, I wrote a newspaper column called “Ask Mom.”
It was called Ask Mom because everyone at work called me Mom, no matter who they were or how old they were.
I have thought of reprising my column and calling it “Ask Carolyn.”
However, many have said they prefer “Ask Mom,” because when they have a problem they need to solve, they call me, text me or email me for help and it feels like they are talking to their mom.
Therefore, while I am trying to decide about the name of my new column, I am going to share a few of my original “Ask Mom” columns.
This way you will get the gist of why I sound more like a Mom than an Advice Columnist. In the letter below, I heard from a young man who was displeased with a habit that his wife had. Read on to find out exactly what the problem was, and how I responded.
Dear Mom,
I have been married for a couple of years and find that there are some things that my wife does that really bugs me. Our washer and dryer are in our garage. One of the big things we argue about is that when she brings the clean clothes in from the clothes dryer she leaves the clothes crumpled on a chair at the bottom of our stairway that goes to our bedrooms. How do I get her to stop doing that without getting into a big fight, which we seem to do every time I mention that she needs to do something a different way than the way she is doing it?
She keeps the house up most of the time but this chair thing is really getting on my nerves. Even when I mention the clothes she just says she knows they are there and goes on with what she is doing instead of taking them upstairs and putting them away.
Mom, Aka Carolyn:
Whoa, pull up your high horse and dismount, son!
This sounds a lot like the old “your job, my job” attitude.
I thought we finally started to let go of such belief systems in the ’90s and started behaving in a more companionship/friendship relationship with our mates. Each of us taking equal responsibilities and not hesitating to help the other if one gets overwhelmed or overtired.
Since this has become a predominately two-income family society, it is more important than ever to share the home chores and responsibilities. The pile of clothes in that chair is obviously bothering you a whole more than it is bothering your wife.
What is stopping you from asking her what she wants done with those clothes and how you can help her clear that chair?
Everyone works differently, and we need to respect each other’s style and priorities. You may be the type of person who works systematically, is very organized, and likes to have a place for everything and everything in its place, while your wife may do things in a more casual way and her list of priorities may be nowhere near your list of priorities.
Now, having said all this let me add that if it is your wife’s personality to clutter and never put things away until they get totally out of hand, it is safe to suggest that this scenario becomes a communication issue, darn, there’s that word communication again, funny how that seems to be the basis for so many things.
It is time to have a sit-down conversation about how you can be more helpful and to find out what is important to her and let her know what is important to you.
And I mean a conversation, not an accusation session.
She may prefer to mow the lawn, wash the cars or take the cars for service rather than do the housework. No one really said that only women could do the housework. In fact, I have a friend whose husband is a much better cook and housekeeper and actually enjoys these tasks. She has no problem letting him take those tasks on while she mows and takes care of the lawn, shopping, and bookkeeping, which she enjoys.
My point is that they have found out what each other likes and dislikes doing and agreed on a very workable solution. Again, housework, yard work, cooking, and shopping are really not specific to one partner over the other.
So young man, I highly suggest you relieve your own stress level and put those clothes away yourself and then be proud that you became part of a solution to what you perceive to be a problem and, more importantly, you have then helped your wife instead of criticizing her.
A marriage/relationship is 100/100 not 50/50.
Hugs Mom
So what do you think? Did this resonate with you and make you think about the differences in how each of us does things around our homes and how difficult it is to communicate with each other if a habit is already part of our routines?
I often have couples write out all the chores, responsibilities, and things that absolutely have to get done to run a home, and that works for everyone living in said home.
Then I ask them to put their initials beside the things each is responsible for or does because they either have time to do it or are expected to do it.
Then we look at the balance and discuss which things on the list each one prefers to do and which ones each one absolutely dislikes to do.
For the things that are on the “dislike” list, we come to an agreement that it is easier to take turns doing them than one person stuck with that chore or responsibility all the time.
In my era, we had distinct responsibilities assigned, once we said “I Do,” and I can say “Thank Goodness that is changing with these last couple of generations.”
Whether you are married, in a personal or workplace relationship, or in friendship, I have found it is so much better if we determine who does what in sharing responsibilities for any and all tasks that the relationship expects. It makes it a whole lot easier, more fun, and organized when we can do what we like to do and share that which we do not like to do. Any way we cut it, someone has to clean the toilet!
What do you think? Leave a comment or visit me on Facebook!
Much Love to you and Big Hugs
Carolyn
PS: You might find the links below an interesting read.
I Created a System to Make Sure My Husband and I Divide Household Duties Fairly. Here’s How It Works.
9 Ways to Split Household Chores With Your Spouse
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings, My Friends
According to American writer Alvin Toffler, “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.”
Many of us have things we do that have become an automatic habit. We may have habits we learned from our parents, family members, or someone in our life that were an influence on how we believe, act, and respond to life.
Have you ever questioned why you hold the beliefs you do?
Have you ever questioned why you have the habits you have?
How many times when asked why you do something a certain way, you respond with “I don’t know,” or “that’s how my Mother/Father did it,” or “that’s how I/we have always done it”, or “it is a tradition in my family.”
The Pot Roast Principle
A great story and example of this is “The Pot Roast Principle”. This is the way I heard this story and I have since found many versions of the story, though the true origin of the story is unknown.
A young bride was cooking her first dinner for her new husband. While she was preparing the roast, her husband walked into the kitchen. He watched as she cut off the ends of the pot roast, put it in the pan, and then into the oven. He was curious, so he asked why she cut off the ends of the roast. She said, “I don’t know, that’s what my mother always did.”
The next time they visited his bride’s parents, he asks his wife’s mother why she cut off the ends of a pot roast before cooking it. The mother said she didn’t really know; it is the way her mother cooked a roast.
So being even more curious, he called the grandmother and asked her why she cuts off the end of a pot roast before cooking it. The grandmother said, “My oven was so small and I only had one small pan to put the roast in and the roast never seemed to fit so I had to cut off the ends to get it into the pan.”
This is such a fun example of not always knowing the “why” of what we do or a habit we have always had, or why we have some of the beliefs we do.
For instance, from my own life, I have a certain way of cleaning; I have certain beliefs, I have certain mannerisms and habits that all came from what I learned from my parent’s beliefs and habits.
My birthday is coming up and my son asked me, “Mom, what would you say you have learned most in your soon-to-be 74 years?”
My answer:
“Son, I have learned that what I thought I knew, I don’t, and that I need to unlearn many outdated habits and relearn some new ones. All the knowledge about life that I have learned all these years is not always true and I need to be constantly learning, relearning, and updating my knowledge base just like our computers.”
There are many things I have already unlearned and relearned as I look back and assess my belief system. I have listed a few below.
Unlearning and Relearning
Unlearn – That happiness comes from others, the right job, the right relationship, having a big bank account, having a big house, having a big bold vehicle, having the “right” friends, or having the right body shape.
Relearn – Happiness comes strictly from within. To find happiness and peace one must stop rushing through life and relationships and truly get to know who we really are and what we really want in life. Then set about learning how to have and give ourselves the gift of being truly happy and learn and know how to live peacefully.
Unlearn – That what others think of you is important.
Relearn – What others think of you is actually none of your business. Others’ opinions are merely their perception of you…. A perception which is not complete, therefore their opinion is biased and most of the time their opinion of you is based on limited information. We are different with everyone we know and meet. If two people you know met for coffee and began talking about people they have in common your name came up. One describes you to the other, the other person may not have a clue who they are describing because to them that description does not fit.
Unlearn – If we don’t have a lot of money, big paychecks, or big bank accounts we are poor.
Relearn – While money is nice to have and the rich do get richer, money isn’t the end-all. If we acquire a lot of money and can buy pretty much whatever we want, it is still not the “everything” many of us were taught to believe. Money means nothing if our health is bad, when the death of a loved one happens, or when anything irreversible happens in our life. Learn just how much money you truly need to live a comfortable life. Everything else is a “want”, not a need. I have learned that I live a far more peaceful life with less “stuff and things,” having a smaller home to clean and keep up than when I had a big house filled with all kinds of “stuff and things” most of what I didn’t even use after the newness wore off and had to constantly find storage for, or clean and dust instead of enjoying my life doing the things I loved to do.
Unlearn – That being alone, without a mate/companion/significant other, is being lonely.
Relearn – Learning how to be alone with ourselves is one of the most important gifts to give ourselves. I have only learned this after my husband passed away. When one is comfortable being alone with oneself and finds their own happiness and inner peace, they can become a much better companion to another if they so wish to engage in another relationship or companionship. Most importantly, being alone does not equate to being lonely. When I found myself without my long-term spouse, I learned how to reinvent myself, and add to my life rather than wither away in loneliness and unhappy solitude.
Unlearn – Once we have secured a job, we need to stick with it whether we like it or not!
Relearn – Once we have secured a job and find we dislike the job, then we need to keep doing our best for the person/company that hired us while we continue to look for something that we enjoy. Many often do not really know themselves very well, what they want, what they truly enjoy, or what they may be really good at until we enter the workforce and give a few jobs a try. Even those who have always dreamed of being in a particular profession, once they enter that profession, many times, will find they do not want or enjoy that profession at all. Don’t be afraid to change. Do more research or work with a Career Coach to help zero in on those possibilities that may be a better fit.
There are so many of these examples of habits that I’ve unlearned and relearned. From time to time, I am going to talk about a few more. The most important thing to remember is that the majority of our life is a result of choices we make, and the habits we develop, and if we do not take the time to know who we truly are, then we run our lives like it is a crapshoot.
Be cognizant of all that you are doing and know the why of what you are choosing to do.
Change is the ever constant in life, embrace it and make change fun and adventurous.
Big Hugs to you.
Carolyn
PS Read my birthday post from last year!
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings my friends,
Hope this finds you well, safe and happy.
Lately, I have been on a mission. I am studying the art of affirmations and listening to meditation music as I write and sleep.
Why?
Because it has come to my attention, again and again, just how negative many have become, including me. I also have found that we, as a human, have thousands of thoughts a day and that many of those thoughts land on the negative side rather than the positive side of our thought life.
Of course, the Coronavirus catastrophe beginning in 2020 and still carrying on in 2021 has caused even the most positive of people to work harder at finding the positive side of daily life in a lock-down scenario. Given the loss of jobs, businesses, most of our freedoms, and the ability to go to our favorite places to shop and eat, it is easy to see why we need to learn how to bring positive affirmations and mantras into our lives.
Many will think that only if one does Yoga does one chant mantras or affirmations… Not true at all.
One of the best all-time books is Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life, in which she teaches the importance of positive self-talk and positive affirmations.
When I ask others about affirmations and if they know the importance of keeping them positive, I find many do not realize that every thought is an affirmation. A negative thought is as much an affirmation as a positive one.
Yikes!!! It is true.
How many times have you done something that didn’t work out and you muttered the words “Dang it! That was stupid of me?”
or
“I can’t believe I did that, I am so dumb?”
or
“I am such an idiot?”
or
“Holy crap, I know better than to do that?”
Any of these sound familiar?
Everything we say after the words “I Am” is an affirmation about who we believe ourselves to be, negative or positive!
When I fully realized that no matter what I thought, or said, negative or positive, that I was actually saying that those negative thoughts were also what I wanted in my life, I got really serious about paying attention to every thought and every word I uttered. Now, when I catch myself thinking or saying something negative I immediately say “Stop, Cancel and Delete.”
I encourage you to try it for one week. Either use the Notes app on your phone or keep a notepad at hand. Make a note of every negative thought that falls into your head, especially those thoughts you allow to stay and think on. After the week is up, review the mental traffic that flows into and out of your mind. Be prepared, it may stun you. Look at the negative thought and see if there are any you can change into a more positive thought. The rest, just pay attention and if they come back, do not allow them to register into a thought that can take hold and make sure you “Stop, Cancel and Delete” the negative thought.
Resources for Learning More About Affirmations
So, what exactly is an Affirmation?
According to Merriam Webster:
1a : the act of affirming nodded his head in affirmation. b : something affirmed : a positive assertion His memoir is a reflective affirmation of family love. 2 law : a solemn declaration made under the penalties of perjury by a person who conscientiously declines taking an oath.
The following are a few examples of affirmations:
I am a unique and worthy person.
I respect myself
I make the best of every situation
I believe in, trust, and have confidence in myself
I look for humor and fun in as many situations as possible
Source: https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/positiveaffirmations.html
If you are not sure how to write an affirmation, especially a personal one, check out https://www.freeaffirmations.org. They offer affirmations on; Weight Loss, Attracting Money, Stop Procrastination, Motivation Affirmations, to name a few.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Mindset
Greetings my Friends,
Given the exasperations many people are feeling, brought about by this lockdown, I am thinking that it is time to zero in on the art of living a life of Positivity, Gratitude, and the finding of a “New” and acceptable way of life.
The path of living a life of Positivity is strewn with all kinds of suggestions of what to do to be more successful at designing our lives. We are told, “It is important to make and accept changes, It is important to look at the choices we have made and to make new choices, We can re-wire our thinking, We can re-invent who we are, It is important to know where you are going and know what you want, and the big one, Think Positive.”
These past 12 months have been a struggle for many, a struggle that has somewhat numbed us to the positive thinking arena and I am hoping that the information I am sharing here will “Prime the Pump” of thinking and living a life of Positivity in this world of uncertainty and help us all in going forward in our quest to be the best version of ourselves we can be.
I have read “Positive Thinking” Books all of my adult life and the one thing I found lacking in most of them was the “How To” of making changes in our way of thinking and acting. They told us What to Do but not How to Do it.
Many of these books talked about countering negative self-talk and negative self-actions with positive self-talk and positive self-actions. However, while that is what I needed to do, I found it difficult to know how to re-word my negative self-talk with positive well worded self-talk and positive self-actions. I would get to the end of the book and feel like “OK, now what do I say or do to make this work and reverse the negative self-talk and actions?” I felt that if I already knew how to do all this, I wouldn’t have needed to read those books!!! I needed their teachings but I also needed help in knowing how to execute what they were teaching.
I think it would be helpful to actually be shown the tools necessary to learn the how of making these monumental life decisions.
Now, please do not misunderstand, every book I have read in this Positive Thinking genre has been a help, and the majority of these books are excellent in providing that which they are wanting to teach. However, in my humble opinion, the latest books do a much better job of giving the “How To” of practicing Positive Self Talk.
In the next few months, I am going to provide as many of the recommendations on “How To” make positive changes in our lives from the Positive Thinking, and Positive Action-taking Gurus as I can find. I will help provide Positive words from every letter of the alphabet along with many simple, self-empowering worded, Mantras to help get us on track until you can find your own chosen words and design your own Mantras that will work for you in your world.
After all, this is why I became a Professional Life Coach and Motivational Life Strategist over 40 years ago, to find all the ways we can “Prime” our proverbial “Positive Thinking” pumps with the wording needed to do so.
Try these daily affirmations, from personal development coach Courtney Wright :
Monday Affirmation
I am productive and successful
Super Tunes Tuesday
I am stronger than yesterday, Now its nothing but my way.
By Britney Spears
Read the rest at https://medium.com/swlh/7-affirmations-to-make-this-week-the-best-week-ever-3ac5963f188d
___________________________________________________________________
Positive Thinking does not make problems or negative events go away. Thinking Positive helps us deal with the negative side of life in such a way that allows us to keep surviving the struggles life throws at us. Positive Thinking only works if, and when, action is also taken.
Next time, we’ll talk about MANTRAS!
Have a terrific time with these and make it fun.
Hugs
